DID Spouses

Hello.

My wife and I both found out earlier this year that she has DID. We've been together for six years but never knew that it wasn't just us, although I had spent time, unknowingly, with several alters before I found out.

I have done research, I have tried to meet each alter where he or she is at, I have tried to be patient and supportive and understanding for months. But, I am reaching a breaking point and hoping to find some support and guidance here.

My wife's alters have been working with a therapist, but my wife has barely been in control over the last six months. It feels as though our relationship is over. I used to miss her all the time, and now I just don't feel anything. I can barely remember what it was like to just spend time with her and make plans together and tell her about my day when I got home. All of that is over. I have seen her maybe once a month for a few hours at a time over the last six months.

At the same time, most of her parts are just being tortured by a persecutory part. There has been a suicide risk present for several weeks now. It tears me up and drains me emotionally and mentally every day.

And, they have not been able to continue to work, so there is now an added financial strain.

It feels as though things just keep getting worse. I am struggling to understand how things can fall apart so quickly to my wife being almost completely absent from her own life, and her other alters are increasingly struggling to function and get through daily life.

I cannot imagine how difficult and scary this is for my wife and her alters. I want more than anything to disprove everything her abuser told her about not being worthy of love. But I am falling apart. Every day, I want more than anything to run away from my entire life and never look back.

Does it get better? Is there any way to endure all of this and not collapse under the pressure and fear? It is so hard to hold on to the relationship when I never see my wife and am constantly afraid due to the suicide risk that I may never see her again even if I continue to try to hold on.

Thank you for any advice and support.

Do you have adequate support? You might need to see a T yourself to help you. You also need to make sure you have a support network for yourself and you need to make time for your own self care probably away from your wife so that you can truly recharge. You should also consider if you can stay in this relationship because it can take years before things get better.

Your wife is all of them even the persecutor. The alter you identify as your wife may never front frequently again, host's change and if they work towards integration the alter that is you wife may blend into others.

Your aware of having interaction with others before either of you learnt about DID so things haven't really changed as much as you think. So you need to find a way to stop mourning a past that was never really what you perceived it to be and focused on the crisis at hand and imagine what the future could be with all of your wife's alters healing and working together.

Try to accept and be kind to all alters even the destructive ones. Persecutors are often in a lot of pain a don't have healthy ways to cope and/or protect themselves.

Hi, NyxX.

Thank you for the reply. I am seeing a therapist myself, but outside of that I have been asked not to reveal the DID to my friends and family, and I worry about causing more chaos on the inside if I were to do so. I do try to make time for self-care, but I started a new job recently that has me working a lot of hours, so it can be difficult to find time to recharge. I’m sure I could be better about making self-care a priority.

I felt for a while as though things hadn’t really changed because I was familiar with some of the other alters and the only difference was that I knew them as themselves and not as my wife, but more recently even they haven’t been in control, since things started getting so bad on the inside.

I do wonder if I can stay in this relationship, especially upon hearing that my wife may never be in control frequently again. The other alters I’ve spoken with have told me that she is the one who truly loves me and the one I used to spend the majority of my time with. If she may never be the one I see frequently again, I’m not sure I could handle that. But at the same time, as I mentioned they are struggling right now, and I have been a source of emotional and financial support. It’s hard to imagine what leaving now would look like, so I feel like that isn’t even an option at this time, regardless of whether I really feel I can do this.

Thanks for the insight on persecutors. I will try to be more understanding there.

Dude, I feel you. You are not alone. This was my life from Feb to Sept this year. Always worried my wife would try to end it that day. Several days where Meg, (wife's ISH) would mandate a suicide watch where she was not to be left alone. Contingency plans in case Meg or others couldn't wrest control if things went that way. Etc.

You do need to take care of you. You can't help her if you are drowning. Maybe she can spend some time with friends or family (assuming they are nearby and safe). There are even times Meg will say, "I've got this, go for a walk." Sunflower's T lets me know she is there if I need someone to talk to. If you're wife and her T are good with something like that it can be very beneficial. If not, making an appointment or 2 with your own T should be considered.

Frankly, I didn't realize how heavy things were until it lifted. This happened when her T reached a deal with the primary suicide instigator (she didn't want to, but encouraged others to). She would stop for a month and watch to see if therapy might be better. We got an extension to 2 months, and now she is a trusted helper.

One thing to remember is they are all you wife and none of them are you wife at the same time. "Peresecutors" usually hold a lot of pain and require extra love and patience to help. Something I often say is, "I love you... I love all of you." (Side benefit of it being covert enough I can say it in public or around our kids.) Often followed with, "and you are worthy of love" as there is at least one who stays hidden who disagrees with this. Many listen for this and several peek out when I say it.

For us, "better" seemed to happen suddenly and in jumps. Steps like Sunflower accepting the abuse wasn't her fault, that she is worthy of love, she is loved, she is worth something, she is capable, etc. It is awesome watching my wife's confidence grow and seeing her do things that I always knew she was capable of, but was held back by self doubts.

I'm rooting for you!!!

Hi, SOHank.

Thank you for your reply and sharing your story. It is great to know that it does get better. I know that my wife's therapist is trying to work with the persecutor part, so hopefully we will get to that point soon, too, where they can reach some kind of deal and things will turn around. Her therapist has also been a resource for me, which has been really helpful recently as things have gotten so difficult. The persecutor part is blocking all of the other parts but one, so I unfortunately can't communicate with my wife's ISH or any other parts that may be able to keep an eye on things when I need a break, but hopefully that will change soon, too.

Thanks again for the support and understanding. I'm so glad I found this forum--it feels like coming up for air after feeling for months like I was drowning and like no one could possibly understand what I was going through.

Diagnosis often comes during a DID crisis, or triggers a DID crisis. A DID crisis is where the usually covert system becomes overt or florid. All kinds of stuff breaks loose.

This is a phase. It will pass. Treatment will lead to greater stability. One thing to watch out for is treatment that is too rapid. Most of us need to slow down. Slowing down actually gets results faster because there are fewer mistakes and setbacks along the way.

It was my little which told my husband about herself, before I even knew she was there. I'd always believed I fell asleep on him and would apologize in the morning. After talking to her a few times he said to me, "I just talked to someone that wasn't you." I was like, "Um, what?" and he said, "You have a little inside," and he proceded to tell me about her (with her permission, of course).

Shortly after that is when the rough times started. Another part came out and pushed at him. At first I didn't know why "I" was acting like this. Because unlike with the little, when Britney was out I could see and hear, I just wasn't in control. It was like I was tied up and my mouth was duct taped. After about the third time this happened, my husband figured it out. He told her, "I see you." She said, "Of course you see me, I'm right in front of you." He said, "Oh no, no no. I see YOU. I don't know who you are, but you aren't my kitten." This threw her for a loop and she retreated for a months before coming out again. She would try to start fights, she would try to push him away. But he always told her, "I know what you're doing." She asked "And what exactly am I doing?" He said, "It's not going to work. I'm not going anywhere."

Now that I knew she was there, she didn't try to hide from me anymore. She would take over, and keep me in that aware, hostage state. She persecuted me and the little. It was... chaotic. But my husband was always patient with her, and stern when he needed to be. And eventually Britney started to calm down a little, and then became genuinely interested in getting to know him. Oh don't get me wrong, she's still his "brat," and she can still push... think, moody, hormonal 17 year old girl, crazy in love for the first time. ... But, we've worked with her ... A LOT!

After seeing how my husband dealt with Britney. Then my inside helper came out to meet him, because she felt like she finally had an ally she could trust.

But it wasn't over night. And for sure it wasn't always easy. There were definitely some rough times.

Hang in there.

K

Hi everyone.....
It’s 2021 I wonder if this thread is still open. I’ve been in this forum all day just crying. I feel for everyone in this thing. This is some very difficult stuff to deal with. I currently just found out that my partner has DID. Very difficult for him to process and for I to deal with. Currently taking time apart to figure out what’s next

Hi sageskub this place is great for support. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

I got to go be parent. snagga could you post a link to the post? My phone can't load the main menu it's too big and keeps crashing. Ta