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*Trigger Warning* Renactment urges

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*Trigger Warning* Renactment urges

Postby Familyof3 » Sun Oct 27, 2013 5:54 pm

*TRIGGER WARNING - SI, abuse *

The past two days felt like walking through a field of trigger landmines. Stuff that hasn't bothered us for a long time is suddenly freaking us out again. Someone in here keeps wanting to reenact
*trigger warning*
specific self harm and subsequent punishment for said self harm. Mass memories of the psychological abuse our mother put us through are popping up again and the fragments are latching onto that like it's some lifeline and filling my head with memories/words that i shouldn't even remember because they're not mine to remember! Her ######6 "speeches" and tirades/justifications keep playing like someone recorded it.
We're worthless, we're lazy. Spoiled disgusting brat that gets everything and can't even give her love. We're HER abusers, she's nothing but good to us. She gives us everything, but all we do is take and take. We're so disgusting.
So useless, just faking it all for attention. You dont have any problems, no depression, nothing. NO one hurt you. Your life was perfect and better than anyone else's. No abuse. Didn't get locked in a closet or starved by her, so that's not abuse. Why is the ######6 social worker here? How dare you all tell on your perfect parents that give you everything. Daddy never touched you. You're the ugly one anyhow, but at least you have your brain. No one would ever do something like that to you. He'd have to rape you before I ever leave him.
*trigger warning end*

loks us in boxx, not pisical but metla prison. no lets out. no sppeak about it. no bad. hidee and bury. silence is our box.. now we trys to open box but sufcoate is bettefr. scarey but les painful. in end anhyh]ow
wy air so cool ad sweet. easer if not so nice. just stay in box forver.
~ We are infinite ~
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Re: *Trigger Warning* Renactment urges

Postby michiru7422 » Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:17 pm

We not know much what say, 'cept reenactments is occurring because, we are told, want make control over thing that happen that didn't have control of before. Us was told that sometimes is happening in quiet times to keep "vigilant" and on-toes.
That is, you think it's done and over with, but someone in your system does not - maybe think could happen again.

For me, it helped a lot to know that.
But others is saying, others has to know how their actions is affecting others in system. Is "abusive" to others in system. Is there other ways to accomplish purpose of reenactment without being mean to others in system?

Healing is hard and painful, and sometimes you need break 'cause is too hard and too painful.
And maybe for y'all, that time is now.
But not-heal is worse. (Suffocate not better, us is thinking.) Is hard to imagine how pretty sunshine can be on other side of tunnel. Has to go through yucky first though. Yous can do it! We is believing in yous!
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Re: *Trigger Warning* Renactment urges

Postby Journalgirl » Sun Oct 27, 2013 7:30 pm

Familyof3
Hi - were you able to ground yourself? Distract somehow or call a friend? Thinking of you - xxxooo
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Re: *Trigger Warning* Renactment urges

Postby Familyof3 » Sun Oct 27, 2013 10:50 pm

things have calmed down for the moment without incident. A member from level 2 had to intervene because they were neutral to the trauma and carried the body through some of the worst urges.
talking to a friend now and hoping i dont 'step' on any more trigger mines.
we have a doctors appointment tomorrow, but im not sure if ill be able to bring this up. :roll: :oops:
~ We are infinite ~
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Re: *Trigger Warning* Renactment urges

Postby Familyof3 » Mon Oct 28, 2013 3:13 am

There is a solace that comes from blood and pain. It is something solid, real. Not like hope's weak flame that flickers out at a moment's notice.

I would love to say I feel no shame for what I just did, although that emotion is still in the background and all I can think is how wonderful it is for that horrible voice to be silenced. The shame will come later, it always does without fail; and the hate, that all consuming self hatred that makes me want to rip out of this tainted and filthy skin.

But right now... the pain... it's what I need.

Kindling this fire is the price I have paid, and this fire will rage inside of me until I destroy more. It is never enough, the flames are always hungry. They eat our pain and suffering, while setting us up to feel it again all too soon.

I do not wish to destroy like I once did, but I am too weak to fight the blood and pain and fire's call.
~ We are infinite ~
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Re: *Trigger Warning* Renactment urges

Postby lifelongthing » Mon Oct 28, 2013 11:10 am

Please keep safe. Are your wounds safe? Are you able to take care of them properly?

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.
Thinking of you (all).
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Re: *Trigger Warning* Renactment urges

Postby niva » Mon Oct 28, 2013 11:48 am

We can relate to a lot... Take care of yourselves as best you can..
-Big N (usually grounded/OK/the host)
-little n (depressive child part; aka 'Jane')
-Aiden (obsessive/thinker part; no feelings)

Integrated:
-Sonja (preteen; happy/optimistic/good girl/social part)
-niva (teen; aggressive/frantic; lust/passion)
-ninchen (brave child; 9)
-Cedar (spiritual part)
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Re: *Trigger Warning* Renactment urges

Postby Familyof3 » Mon Oct 28, 2013 3:27 pm

pain... embarassment? lots of emotion.
we're safe though. still alive and well (unless this headache does us in :lol: )

nothing that can't and won't heal.
~ We are infinite ~
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Re: *Trigger Warning* Renactment urges

Postby lifelongthing » Mon Oct 28, 2013 3:33 pm

I hope you can heal from this both emotionally and physically.

Safe hugs if wanted
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Re: *Trigger Warning* Renactment urges

Postby Familyof3 » Mon Oct 28, 2013 3:56 pm

thankyou *wags tail*
~ We are infinite ~
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