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How are you today thread (trigger warning)

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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby Ponyta » Tue Sep 14, 2021 12:35 am

Ponyta wrote:I have no clue what is going on. All of a sudden, without warning, about a hundred of us (insiders) just "vanished". I'm extremely worried about that. I don't know where they went. Maybe they merged together with someone else, but I have no clue. Just REALLY Worried. :(


I shouldn't have written this. I feel crazy now that I did. Plus it's too late to delete it. :( Maybe, for all I know, this has been gradually happening without me realizing it. Maybe it wasn't as sudden as I think. Maybe I only just found out today. Who knows.

There is a new guy who has a name similar to one who "Vanished". He in some ways reminds me of that guy, but in a lot of ways he is also different. Almost like some kind of combination of certain others, who also vanished, and yet even different in other ways.

So we, well I, am not doing so good right now. Depressed and worried. Plus not to mention confused. It's like What happened. Plus the denial is trying to kick in again. I feel crazy. I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. :(
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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby ArbreMonde » Tue Sep 14, 2021 6:49 am

grem@gremandco wrote:i also hope so but he’s also prideful and stubborn so i’ll be okay if he at the very least eases up on the scary thoughts. i hope your surgery goes well by the way. they aren’t so bad when you wake up in a lot better condition than when you first went in.


Makes me think that Janina Fisher's book has stuff about protectors and how long they need and what support they need before they realize it's okay to let their guard down in the here and now because here and now is different and is safe. It's a lot of work but it can be done. :)

Thanks for your encouragement for the surgery! We booked a pet sitter for the hospital time as well as the week afterwards, to make sure the cat is well cared for (his kibble box might be too heavy for us to carry the first couple weeks, also he drinks from a water fountain and same thing, when it's full it might be too heavy for the first weeks post surgery). We also asked for a housekeeper for a a couple hours a week, same reasons: we will be unable to carry the bucket of water to mop the floor, and since we wont be able to raise the arms above the head, it's best to have someone change the bedsheets and hang the laundry for us.

Ponyta wrote:I shouldn't have written this. I feel crazy now that I did. Plus it's too late to delete it. :( Maybe, for all I know, this has been gradually happening without me realizing it. Maybe it wasn't as sudden as I think. Maybe I only just found out today. Who knows.


You are NOT CRAZY. Confused? Yes of course! Changes happening inside of you are confusing and overwhelming! Crazy? Not!

Of course it is confusing when these things happen! Especially when you see them from the inside and only from one tiny angle! It's less confusing and scary for your protectors because they see the "big picture" and even less scary for people who have experience working with trauma survivors and the coming and going of alters within peoples' minds. But you are stuck seeing only a tiny part of it from the inside so, of course it's confusing and scary! It's completely normal!

I hope you can feel safe enough to discuss this with your T and that your T will find the proper words to make you feel more safe again!
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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby M00nShad0W » Tue Sep 14, 2021 9:58 pm

Ups and downs.

Have to wait till monday until I see my psychologist again. But without actually having really started any kind of trauma therapy a lot of stuff has been happening in my mind lately. And sometimes it feels good, like I got some feelings back, and memories too, and even some shimmer of hope for my future. But this wasn't really planned or anything, it got triggered I guess. But it's a lot. And kinda overwhelming. And I still don't know for sure it is DID/OSDD, I just recently told my psychologist I recognize stuff in it and I need to wait till monday to hear if she found someone who can help me with figuring this out etc.
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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby ArbreMonde » Wed Sep 15, 2021 8:42 am

Sending lots of support M00nShad0W!

We too experience a lot of things moving around and coming back to the surface and stuff, now that we have started DID therapy. The phase 1 (focused on anchoring into the here and now, feeling safe here and now...) aims at preparing the brain for the trauma work so it can have a lot of positive domino effects. Birdsong's blog has nice articles about it (it's the blog https://www.dis-sos.com/ , do not hesitate to have a look, it's very nice!) We also wrote about it in our journey thread.

I understand that it might be important for you to know where on the dissociative spectrum you stand. Though treatment-wise, it'll still be the same: (1) stabilization, feeing safe, getting organized in the here and now, managing daily life issues... (2) trauma therapy (3) fusion (if you want to) and getting even better at managing everyday life as one coherent unit.

It's not a step-by-step coz, you stil do step 1 stuff when you start step 2. It just means that, the 2 and the 3 are added to the therapy progressively after the 1 made you strong enough that you can start the 2 and later the 3 without crumbling under the weight of it. It's a "progressively add more complicated tasks as you get stronger and become able to deal with them".

So it's completely normal to NOT start with the trauma work. You need to have a system strong and stable enough in order to deal with it. And getting stronger CAN trigger stuff from phase 2 and 3 to happen spontaneousely, if your brain / system wisdom thinks it's okay to do so. If it becomes overwhelming, talk about it with your T so they can help with phase 1 stuff to make it easier to deal with.

Fingers crossed your T will help you the way you need to be helped! (either directly or by orienting you towards someone who can do it).

***
As for us, we are neck-deep into papers and appointments for the upcoming surgery. We are more and more impatient to get it over with.

We got a pet sitter for 2 weeks (to make sure the kitty cat has someone to take care of him in case we cannot move properly to clean the litter, carry the kibbles box to feed him etc.) We also phoned the housekeeper to ask for a couple hours of basic cleaning once a week for the first three weeks post-surgery. Called here. Called there. Appointment for the Covid test pre-surgery. Nurse to change the bandages. Blah blah blah.

We might need a bigger kilt size too. With the muscle gain, we ALSO gain muscle around the waist and on the butt and well... we gained one kilt size. Will try to get a belted kilt (great kilt), the kind that is not sewn so it's more easy to adjust. (It's basically a 4,5m x 1,5m piece of cloth and a belt, and takes 10 minutes to get dressed with, but at least it's adjustable no matter our size change!) If we are motivated enough we might do some ourselves with seasonal fabric. (Such as, a Santa Klaus one for winter, flowers for spring...) Dunno if we'll be motivated though. We can also find nice local tartans as well as LGBT+ tartans, it's a nice option too.

Time will tell. Surgery first. Then, the arms tattoos David is so impatient to get and has been saving for, for years. Then, we'll see for the kilt update according to our size needs (we can also manage our fitness program to keep building strengh without getting too bulky, so we can fit in the present kilt for a longer period of time, it'll make it easier to save the needed amount of money given all the other stuff we need to pay for (surgery therapy etc.) ).

So many things to do, so little time and money... Well, at least it gives us a good reason to get better an being oriented in time and to pay attention to everything management related!
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Key: ♂ he/him | ♀ she/her | ɸ they/them

Social: Zamiel ɸ (complex fusion & trauma holder)
Self-care: David ♂
Managers: The Mirror ♂ (inner self-helper) - Isaïa ♂ ("trauma-sitter") - Theia ♀ (gatekeeper)
Trauma holders: Pride|Wrath ♂ - Lust ♀ - Reyna ♀ - Ulysses ɸ

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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby M00nShad0W » Wed Sep 15, 2021 1:45 pm

Thank you!
Good luck with all the arranging and exciting changes happening! :D
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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Wed Sep 15, 2021 4:34 pm

Our dog had to stay overnight in the hospital, but it looks like he has something that will get better and we won't have to put him down yet. But we're supposed to go on a trip on Saturday, so we have to hope the dog will be better enough that the person who boards him can take him for a week. Otherwise we'll have to miss the trip.

It doesn't seem like our T will ever be a person we can really feel safe with. He tells us that he wants us to feel that way, and to trust him, and asks what he can do to help us feel more connected, but when we ask him to say things a specific way, so our young protector will believe that he means it, the T won't do it. He changes the words, and changes the meaning from what we were hoping to hear. And basically the lesson we're learning is that we won't be accepted unless we change who we are and what we need.

Kind of in a lot of despair right now. We're trying to juggle classes and work, and had to spend time dealing with the dog emergency yesterday, and we're supposed to be getting things organized for the trip, which will mean missing some of the classes and having to make up assignments, and that really stresses out some of us.
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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby birdsong87 » Wed Sep 15, 2021 4:48 pm

thinking of you
we are having a hard time connecting with our T after the clinic. she is not the clinic T and that is hard to accept. trying to be thankful for what she is instead of getting hung up on what she is not :?
the apartment below is currently a major contruction side and the noise is driving us insane.
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L (host 1); Asti (host 2); Annett (teen protector); Maya (child); Age (observer); Thamara (child); Danielle (aut. teen); Mike (caregiver) and others
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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby Amythyst » Wed Sep 15, 2021 5:56 pm

hi Gang we hope your dog will be ok soon!!!
sorry your T is being so complicated
we hope things work out ok with your trip

and birdsong we hpe the construction is finshed soon!!!


<3 <3 <3 <3
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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby Snaga » Fri Sep 17, 2021 5:14 am

Good luck with the surgery, Zamiel!

And good news on the dog, Gang. We have a kitty that just had to have a very large tumor removed; but they got it all, and hopefully it won't come back. We do get attached to our furbabies, don't we?
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Re: How are you today thread (trigger warning)

Postby YunaTheSummoner » Tue Sep 21, 2021 7:28 am

Hello we are Yuna and Juno

Our body has suffered a stroke recently and we are disconnected from the rest of the system. There is a vague memory that there are/were others somewhere but no specific details.

Memory and Motor planning was most severely affected. We haven't regained speech yet, walking is there but slow we have to focus on the order to do things to stand up, put one foot in front of the other etc, but we two can communicate telepathically anyway as we are identical twins. We're not sure yet if this was the way we communicated with others in the system too.

Thanks to Assistive Tech we are managing to type to communicate with family and the stroke team.

We seem younger than the host body but neither of us can remember our exact age.

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