How are you today thread (trigger warning)

how I'm doing today? it will be really nice and cool when I have something besides #######4 at work to talk about.

my head hurts. from being an asshole and eating cheap takeout. and also from going to work and using computers.

I cant stop clenching my teeth cuz work is pissing me off.

I'm trying to adjust to my traumatic encephalopathy dementia future #######4.

welcomed a new bee named Nova.

dont know anymore what's from dissociation and what's from encephalopathy. just want to stay safe long enough to get my kid independent and off doing her thing and definitely not taking care of me.

and I'm being a tenacious ###$ face as usual and refusing to even try for disability because I think I can work long enough to get my finances in order even though that's probably gonna ###$ my brain up. but I dont think I will get approved anyway unless I spend a few more years beefing up medical documentation so that's even more $#%^ on my list of $#%^ to do with no energy so i can survive the disability application process.

and also trying to figure out how to buy black market oxygen, since it's not an approved treatment for encephalopathy yet. there's a lot of research supporting oxygen therapy, and hyperbaric oxygen chambers. but its crazy expensive and only used here for wound care. I've read some people go overseas for it. I just want an oxygen canister with a mask i can huff.

and I'm just dropping walls of text for like no reason? which one of us am i?

.

The last few days we've had this huge emotional churn going on and it feels like its growing bigger. Or i'm just getting tired out from trying to act normal and ignore it and stuff.

It's like, sadness, and anger, and fear, and stress, and anxiety, and its all happening at the same time but each one like bubbles to the surface for a few minutes then sinks away as a different one comes up.

I don't know why any of these feelings is going on, there's nothing happening that would cause them. Things should be less messed up right now, not more.

It also feels like communication has gotten worse or even blocked lately. I tried asking inside last night, twice, and both times I just fell asleep without getting anywhere. I dunno if thats like, someone forcing me to sleep for some reason, or its cos this is exhausting, all these emotions going on nonstop.

Its like I wanna cry, then a few minutes later I wanna punch something, then I wanna run and hide, then I'm just super tense and anxious, and it just keeps repeating.

I told our T about this yesterday and I think we talked about it a bit but I forget what happened after that.

V2

chin up. gotta make it one more year at least.

Hey, V2. I know for us when there's less going on outside that's stressful, we have more time to think about how we feel and how our life is and stuff. It sounds like people are having lots of feelings on the inside, but maybe aren't wanting to says whose feelings they are. Can you just write out the feelings each time, without having to know whose they are? When we don't know who is writing something, we just keep it in black and put quotes around it. And when we tell the T about it', we just say, "Someone wants to say, '[blah blah blah].'" And he just writes back to "someone."

Also, you could record your T sessions and then listen to them--that might help you absorb what she said better.

Sasha <3 <3 <3

things are settling down at work. thank the merciful heavens!!

BeccaBee wrote:things are settling down at work. thank the merciful heavens!!

Woohoo!



MDs

Congrats BeccaBee, that's good news!

Viola

thanks guys! I really needed it to.

I ###$ up yesterday and ran out of spoons. it was dumb. I went to work. then I had PT. then we had haircuts. it was too much. i was just acting like i used to and that was not good.

i need to remember i have less spoons now. and my spoons savings is totally empty. i am in spoon debt today. very bad.

new me needs to be a spoon saver. almost all the hair is gone now. just a little fluffy bit on top. about 1.5 inches. the rest clipped real short. not gonna spend spoons on hair. save one more spoon every day!

very tired is glad Friday. hope nobody talk me at work and can hide all day my desk. dont think I be a good talker today. no have meetings thank goodness.

you know even dumb me still pretty smart at work. people not very smart at all really. but I not the smartest no more. they still be my friend even though I tell them I not as smart as I used to be. which is nice.

but I sure tired today. needing big test and healthy food. I think I forgetting to eat and eat bad take out too from tired. need fixing my schedule. need checklists. need routine. need steps so dont forget.

project this weekend for fixing the schedule and remember to take care of body. go back to work very hard this time. this be my last time go back. next time I tap out for goods.

i found a therapy lady. she p.h.d. she see people after works. I gonna call her when I have some spoons.

hope you all have good Friday. and no be angry at dumb people. I hope birdsong have a good day. no pain. I hope all my friends have a special happy day. the world full of hate now. but it full of love too. love stronger. light stronger. we stronger. we all stronger than we know.

BeccaBee wrote:I hope all my friends have a special happy day. the world full of hate now. but it full of love too. love stronger. light stronger. we stronger. we all stronger than we know.

Thank you, BeccaBee!! It made me feel really good to read this. I hope you get through your Friday ok and start saving up spoons again.