How are you today thread (trigger warning)

I feel ya

Asti wasn't up in the morning and we all went back to bed.
the face feels a little different today. maybe the pain won't get so bad.
it is one of the worst things ever
when the pain explodes because you cry
and you can't stop crying because you are in so much pain.

That sounds bad, birdsong.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts, but I wish I could do more.

I'm stuck in bed.
Couldn't stop crying, even after it made me throw up. I know the world outside is less bad than I'm imagining, but I really feel depleted. I'm tired. I don't want to fight anymore. It's enough.
But those are dangerous words. You rest when you're tired, but you don't quit.
Well, then I'll rest as long as I can for now.
I really want(ed) to self-harm, but I kept repeating to myself that it doesn't solve anything. I guess I like mantras. Mantras and counting and repetition and it sort of helps a little bit.
I'm going to be fine.
I have a fireheart, after all.
Fire keeps going.
Right?

BeccaBee wrote:TGIF!!

This.

We're back at work and no longer feeling exhausted, but this doesn't mean we're not stressed. For several days now, we've been feeling scrunchiness in the back of our neck, our shoulders, and our upper back. This is from the trauma holders keeping everything in instead of verbalizing it.

Sigh.

MDs

I can't even imagine that pain, birdsong. I hope it hasn't gotten bad today.

fireheart--that sounds so miserable. Is this related to what's going on with the T? And you also had that weekend with family. Those are two big things that are stressful. Resting is good, avoiding self-harm is good. I've seen how tough and brave you are--fire does keep going.

MDs--I hope you can do something to relax all that tension. Do you ever get massages? There are the kind where you can just sit up, with clothes on. Sometimes the way to get at that stuff is through the body first, and then it can make it easier to put into words.

We have to get ready soon to go see the T. It's a 35-40 mile drive each way, but we have a book that the littles and tweens like to listen to. We had a dream last night about being in his office. He had told me to come and just stay all day, and he was reading a book at his desk, while I was on the floor across the room, coloring. It was very peaceful and calm. I think the littles are feeling like words just mess everything up and it's easier to feel connected without them. But at least it was a nice dream, and the little that was worried that the T will turn into a monster like the ones in the book doesn't seem to be as worried about that anymore.

Thanks, Gang.
I feel like I just imagined all the things that happened lately. It doesn't feel like real-life at all. Like I only dreamed it up, or am not sure if they really happened? Especially the stuff with the T.

So now I don't feel upset about it at all? I think Lucas must have taken those feelings with him inside or something. I mainly feel really confused right now, and ashamed for ever having been upset? Or about being confused? I am not sure I understand anything.


MDs, I also wish you good things. Maybe some non-verbal activities could help the trauma-holders? Like drawing?

Gang, I'm glad your littles still feel connected to your T... even with his words sometimes making disconnections worse. Good luck!

you guys have a lot going on. thinking of you.

I am super carefuly, all I can think of is reducing the pain.
keeping everything as cool as possible. staying hydrated. no stress. no tension in the facial muscles.
I have kept it down all day. but I am scared deep down. so scared.

birdsong, that's really rough. I wish we could do something to help. We hope you get through it ok and keep that pain away.

We hope all the folks who're suffering or struggling get a break, hopefully the weekend will bring some relaxation and positive energy.

I'm exhausted right now. Didn't get enough sleep last night, and it's been a hectic week and stuff. Low energy, mental and physical. Haven't been able to comment on much of anything today but we've been reading all the posts and stuff.

Hoping for a good weekend for everyone.

Viola

Gang and anyone else who thought of us possibly getting a massage....

There used to be a massage therapist who held sessions at our office twice a month as an unofficial service from HR. After some HR staffing changes, the sessions were discontinued.

We're very selective in who we allow to touch us. We suppose that we could look for someone elsewhere who met our criteria, but we don't think that we'd give that person enough regular business to make it worthwhile. We don't want to feel like we have to make regular appointments if we don't need them.

One alternative that we've practiced for many years is stretching exercises. This usually helps, but the current situation has been a bit difficult to resolve.

Thanks,

MDs

Hi MDs,

We sometimes get massages from a nice lady who has an office near us. It's just sitting massage with all the clothes on. It's kind of nice but it takes some arranging inside like who's going to a safe place and who wants to feel the massage. It works though. I think it's also gotten us more used to being touched in a just friends kind of way. That's been really HUGE for Cody (because she gets turned on really really easy ). It's helped her dial it back some.

Hi birdsong,

I wish I knew something really cool that would take the pain away. A magic wand. A secret potion. Some special food made from a plant only grown in the farthest reaches of the Amazon (or maybe bought off Amazon ). I'd really like to do that. Kind of frustrated I can't. We really care about you guys.

Hi Gangs,

Super cool dream! I wish we could stay in our old Ts office all day and just color or something. It was a super safe place. You drive a LONG way to see your T!

Hi Viola,

I hope you are sleeping now and not reading this

Iain

do you guys know about the back buddy?

it's a plastic bodywork therapy tool shaped like an S with some extra extensions. it's about 3 ft long. you can use it to self treat trigger point release. ot is under $50 and so worth it. it's not a pleasant kind of massager like those little foot shiatsu jams from back in the day. it's a body work tool. you use it to dig out your own knots and release fascial adhesions. I need that mofo from getting wrecked too many times. but it's the jam.

MDs. we got the massage joint at work now. every Monday. what a cool ######6 perk.

I second the clothes on chair massage. I had a regular guy for 8 years. but he got kind of flaky existential crisis about his career. which is too bad cuz he had ginormous strong hands that rolled you out like a bulldozer. I hate those little hands that poke and hurt. I want those ham can LMBTs.

birdsong, my heart weeps for you. I remember my mother being in agony. the pain made her wince. the wincing caused pain. and her valiant pain management. I am hoping that you can get a positive snowball and the nerve will calm down. you are doing a great job!!!!!

fireheart - you know what's a really cool thing about fire? I mean there's a TON of cool things but I love how fire can smolder in embers for hours and hours. days even. sometimes you can camp and a fire that seems completely gone out. nothing but cold grey ash on top. but if you just have a little kindling nearby. you can stir those coals and watch them wake up and breathe a little life into them and they spring right back up into a lively fire just like that!!!