recovering from long dissociative periods...

i am in my mid 30s, and recently have started... feeling again. i could feel before in spurts and at times, but had been spending years living a life that was frought with dissociative periods, with fatigue that was partly due to that, and partly to a pretty severe anemia.

i am managing that better, and think that my iron levels are better (gotta get that checked out,) but i also strongly suspect dissociative identity disorder because i experience aspects/alters. but the thing is, since May of this year, i have been able to do things more.

i usually had to rest up (my term for what was possibly being home alone or off-alone somewhere to dissociate; pretty-much using dissociation partly as a drug to zone-out.) i remember getting rare glimpses into how normative people live, with their being-able to, say, do more than one major project or activity per day without feeling head pressure, the need to lay down, etc.

i can do those things now, but i am very scared that the dissociative periods will return. they are not, so far, that much; there are rare ones that pop in and i acknowledge them, am kind to myself and realize that they will pass; they do. but, life is like it has to be re-learned again in many ways. i would say that the heavily-dissociated years were from when i was around 17-18, to now (35,) and that is a long time. i do remember moments in my 20s where i would be unclouded, thinking 'wow, i have not felt this way last since i was about 15 years old!' and then the dissociation/fatigue would return, requiring me to go off alone at work for periods and just sit with my eyes closed, or to rush home and to bed.

in short, things are much much better now, possibly through my education on things like DID and the fact that dissociation exists (which i had not known until more-recently; i thought it was just ligheheadedness, blamed my physical form, when it was quite mental-health related.) i have been having some bad memories of past trauma come back randomly now, but none have been devastating, though some are pretty bad; they don't involve anyone that i am close to or that i love at this time, which is good; i knew that there was stuff 'in there,' (in my memory bank, that i could not access,) and am glad that it did not involve family or now-friends.

but adjusting is something else. i get back/leg pain, possibly because my body is so used-to long sedentary periods. i often have trouble putting a label on how i feel health-wise, with the prospect of actually feeling-good in here now; like today, my throat hurts, but i am not rushing to say 'i feel sick.'

it might sound easy; what need would there be to cope with something that feels like winning the emotional lottery in some ways, and allows for multifaceted activity days, etc? but it is a bit overwhelming; i have to find what my base-level is for functionality, to prevent the 'okay' tiredness that comes with, say, working a 9-hour shift on my feet at work and then attempting to go out and socialize. i do get scary lightheaded periods if i overdo it; usually at my job, if my lunch hour is delayed; work knows how 'i get' due to anemia, and is not stingy with giving me breaks; that's good.

any advice or relateable replies would be appreciated; i feel like a teenager in a 35-year-old body (which is relatively 'healthy' in weight, muscle, etc, but still not used-to lots of activity) but with the life-experience of someone my age; just like, wow.

-- Fri Oct 14, 2016 9:57 am --

some background; tw: abuse discussion




okay family-life as a kid; environment was chaotic though; lots of loud-talking family members, parental arguments (not physical; verbal though) that led to parental divorce when i was 12yrs old. okay might be an overstatement; lots of manipulation on one parental half, and lots of being-overworked/having to support a child as a single mom on the other part. my mom has always been an anchor of strength though; 'depression' diagnosed in teens; also think that i got a diagnosis of either bipolar or borderline; i know that it was one of those two, but not sure. high-grades in school gave way to teen angst and one rarely-discussed suicide attempt that luckily failed, and did not leave physical scars. realized dully after that that i was to go on, and went-on; that was around age 15. felt overall dull with sparky moments from 15 to may of this year; wondering about alter-switching (pertaining to DID) because to be honest, i feel like a different person now, but retain Most of the memories that i could be expected to retain; still no vivid memories of what happened when i was abused, but i am not sure that i need those.

Hi! I'm happy for you that you're feeling again! For me, starting to feel again is such a wonderful thing... my opinion based on my personal experience is that the dissociation is needed to keep the memories and bad feelings at bay so for me, it's a choice between being no one and feeling nothing or being the ONLY POSSIBLE REAL version of me- the one who lived through whatever is contained in my childhood. I want all my memories and to process whatever I have to... work through whatever I have to... and my dream is one day to be fully grounded and real and live my truth. i don't care if there's Hell on the other side. I don't want to be foggy... to be no one... I want to be sharp and real and feel things as brightly as I did when i was a messed up child. People recover from trauma and I've come pretty far with the dissociation and everything so far so i think I could do it.
If that is not what you want, then i respect that. I can definitely understand why a person might choose to live somewhat dissociated/depersonalized as long as it isn't debilitatingly severe (as mine often has been). Where I am right now, I can feel nice simple things like a rainy afternoon in a diner but I'm not aware of deeper feelings so life seems simple. If something does come to the surface, i can cry all day over it and not actually feel anything at all the whole time! as a defense mechanism, dissociation is really wonderful. but I do not want it. that's just the way I am, I guess.

I'm not sure if I registered everything as I have trouble understanding long or complicated things and taking in details but the biggest part of what I saw was that you're feeling again for the first time in years and it's good and I can be very happy for you for that. There's nothing more beautiful to me than that.
I've never been able to talk about this stuff before so maybe I'm rambling but you said you'd appreciate anyone relating to you so I thought it would be okay. i also kind of just learned dissociation existed a little while ago but that's a long sad story... I've known it existed just only now learned that anybody knows about it. thanks for reading my mess haha.