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new here...first post

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new here...first post

Postby seekfreek » Wed Oct 31, 2012 7:09 am

Hi, I couldn't figure out how to post once I joined here so I hope starting a new topic wasn't the wrong thing to do. I'm almost 54 years old and though I've been working on my recovery from various mental diagnosis since I was 15 years old with a few breaks for "normal time", I've recently encountered something that I don't recall every having in the past which my "shrink" (affectionate term for my psychiatrist and psychotherapist)called a fugue state. So I read a bit and it all makes sense as I've had a life long string of traumatic and abusive and lifethreatening experiences. My most recent trauma, though, was an attack first by a roomate/friend who had alzheimers but didn't believe it (it was early onset and she had no memory of her bizarre behaviors), which left me without a home suddenly (it was her house in which I rented a room) and with almost no money so I first rented a cheap room at a motel, where I was gangraped and beaten up, then continued to live in a car, then finally after a few more traumas, my sister made me come to stay with her and her family so I could be taken care of. I say made me because mostly I'd rather be dead than dependant on anyone and have been like that my whole life. Well, since I WAS almost dead by then, ribs showing, eyes blank, and could not fight her I went and I guess it was good but I never get myself back all the way and now, almost a year later, I'm living alone at last in the same town as her and have finally started trusting the therapist I have and BANG. the fugue states hit and I'm blown off the map again. At first I didn't know I was actually leaving...I'd just remember sitting down at 3 and the next time I was aware it was 12 and I had no sense of passing time. Then recently, I had a couple of times when I was out of my apartment and "woke up" a mile or so from my apt. with no clue how I got there or how to go home. Now, I've actually had someone from the small community I live in call me by a name that I recognized from years ago when I diagnosed at first with multiple personality disorder, then told that wasn't right and changed it to adhd and bi-polar combo....one of the alters at that time was named "Hutch" and someone at my local library approached me and started talking to me as if we knew each other and he called me "Hush" I said, "What?" as I thought he was referring to the library and was telling me I was too loud or that I misunderstood, then he repeated it and said he thought that Hush suited me more than Hutch.....that was weird I have to tell you. He told me a few things that scared me about what I did on my little outings and ever since I've been in an almost constant state of distress.....on one hand, it's been good as I had a sudden return of the memory of my past 30 years which I'd blocked since the attack last year. I'd blocked my whole life out prior to decades of therapy that finally resulted in my recalling all the incest and physical torture suffered from birth through to adulthood and then on from there, the abuse by several therapists, one in particular, who I am only now recalling a particular phase of her abuse (I knew her over 20 years, she was the one who I first saw at 15 after a gang rape, then a few years later when she invited me into her life to help educate her new group of Gestalt and Psychodrama type professors about rape recovery "since you're such a great example of how one can and does recover"....and in the process someone manipulated me, a very straight laced girl who was "saving what was left of myself for marriage" to be left alone with all the professors (I was socially inept and terrified of people mostly but trusted her but she took a man into the bedroom and told me to leave her alone and I ended up dancing to drumming half naked with a bunch of strangers, all of whom, one by one "interviewed me" about my incest and rape experiences while I lay with them in a room where they all had set up to sleep on the floor for the night.....I started next to one and woke up next to another and only remembered the one interview right up to now when my memory came flooding back. I hadn't even remembered or thought about that night since it happened. I'd long since given up the friendship I had with the extherapist of mine who had become like a mother to me, did attachment therapy with me right at my house, sleeping with me and being inappropriately sexual with me as I grew to understand later in my life. Finally, as an adult she somehow still had a grip on me and convinced to have a full blown affair with her while she was married and I just didn't believe in stuff l;ike that and I was close friedns with her husband and child. ANYway....my stress now is over the fact that these memories of that night with the professors keeps triggering me into states of shock which normally make me either fugue out or want to commit suicide. But because I've recently learned to keep myyself from going all the way over to fugue by noting the precurseures and and staying focused and alert various ways, instead, I'm in an almost constant state of what feels almost hypnotic and produces impulses in me to do very immature things that embarrass me ....like writing to my current shirink in a 5 million character text message and having her have to tell me that's too much.....something the adult and in charge me would know was inappropriate without being told.....so I'm not only half looped (it feels like) but scared to death that the shrink is going to dump me and right now she's the only lifeline I feel connected to....heavy sigh....enough....I figure if I have another place to vent this stuff and get feedback maybe I won't piss her off to the point of dumping me, though she assures me she has no such inclination. But I cannot be convinced in this state.....I feel like all the progress I've made in years of therapy are down the tubes and I'm back to that little self who is detached from everyone except animals and words and art. Thanks for this and sorry its too long. LL
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Re: new here...first post

Postby oaktree » Sun Nov 04, 2012 5:17 pm

You are welcome here! This is a safe place (I came here myself just a week ago or so). You can write all that really bothers you and ask for help.

The way you posted was right. Only... this forum is very empty, there are a lot more readers in the DID forum. Most post will be answered there within a day (as far as I have seen currently, I'm new here). So, you are welcome there.

Whew! I don't really know how to respond to that. It is so much. I don't really feel able to help you, but I will try.

I can't diagnose you (and don't want to diagnose people, I don't have the knowledge for that), but I think (and that is my own opinion) that that MPD diagnosis was right (now called DID: dissociative identity disorder). DID is thought to be caused by (childhood) trauma (which you may not remember too due to amnesia). And if it isn't that, there's certainly something with which you need help, even if you don't want it. Your life will be much better afterwards.

I hope you can stay with your family for a while, because a safe place is very important in recovery. You can't heal in a sick place.

I think it is normal to experience much more dissociation when you start working on it. The whole time you have been living in a very bad environment, so you HAD to survive. Now you are in a safe environment, it all begins to break open. But it will become less once you start to make progress. And the progress that took years to make, is probably still there, at least for a bit. I don't think it has completely gone away, but just 'under the covers' by more recent trauma.

About your current therapist. I don't think a therapist will just dump you. If she is a good therapist, she won't dump you. If she does, she is very disrespectful and you should search for another. It takes time, and trusting a new one will probably be very hard, but still it is worth it.

If something happens, I hope your family can help and you are able to take that help.
Maybe this quote helps (although it is very out of context):
tomboy24 wrote:There's a difference between wrapping a wound on your own, and needing surgery and trying to do it on your own. If you're strong, you can admit when you need help in doing something.
From here.

I hope this post helps.
Dx: PDD-NOS. Tested for dissociative disorders and PTSD but they say the symptoms are attributable to PDD-NOS.
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