Just got diagnosed and am profoundly confused

Hi.

I was just recently diagnosed with PTSD and OSDD, I don't know which one because my therapist was pretty casual about it and I didn't even know to ask. From what I read, I guess it would be 1a, but I don't even feel like I do that. I don't feel like I have parts. I just don't remember a lot of things. I do space out. I do the maladaptive daydreaming every day or varying degrees, and it does get in the way of a lot of things. I talk out loud to myself constantly. But I'm just really confused about what to think about my entire life up to this point. I know I had a traumatic past, I avoided thinking about it like the plague. But this summer it's like an entire neighborhood of card houses fell down in my head, and honestly, I don't even know who I am any more, and I wish I was saying that in the way that I would have said it in the past, like I don't know what I stand for or what my goals are or something theoretical and meta like that. But no, now I mean it as in I don't know who I am as a person. I feel like I am disconnected from the person I used to be, and the more and more I get into this with my therapists (I have 2 because I'm extra, I guess), the more I feel like I am losing that person. That was the person I thought I was though. Now I'm just confused all the time and struggling to grab onto anything. I had a few months in the beginning of the summer where I was in a constant state of depersonalization/derealization - I thought I was making my therapist up for a while but then realized I wasn't that good - and I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that I did that. Then I started seeing this new therapist and she told me I have parts and I can't handle it, clearly. I'm losing it.

I'm just wondering if someone who has already gone through these #######5 early stages of recovery work can tell me how they got through it or have any advice. I'm just so lost.

Hello, and welcome!

Just a moderator note here, that I took the liberty of doing some mod-magic so that, while correctly (for the moment) placed in OSDD, since our DID forum is the busiest of the Dissociative forums and there's a lot of crossover that I made it so that this thread is also seen in the DID forum as a link to it. I think this thread will benefit being seen in both.

iris0521 wrote:I was just recently diagnosed with PTSD and OSDD, I don't know which one because my therapist was pretty casual about it and I didn't even know to ask.

From what I know, it is no longer seen very useful to tell which version of the OSDD since every person is a fine, peculiar variation of the same family of symptoms. Also, the treatment plan is the same for all complex dissociative disorders and the symptoms evolve through time.

iris0521 wrote:I don't feel like I have parts.

Everybody has parts, even intergrated (not dissociated) people. Some parts are more independant than others. Some have their own identities others don't. Try to see it like the Rayman character: everybody has hands and feet but the Rayman character's hands and feet are visibly separate from his body. Yet he is still a whole Rayman and no part of him can function independantly.

iris0521 wrote:But I'm just really confused about what to think about my entire life up to this point. I know I had a traumatic past, I avoided thinking about it like the plague.

Dissociation is what helps you not look at the pain so that you can carry on without suffering too much. But in order to heal, you need to see there is pain to be healed first. Most of the time the memories come back when you are able to face them but they still hurt very much and you can still need the help of a therapist to go through it all. Sending moral support your way!

iris0521 wrote:I mean it as in I don't know who I am as a person. I feel like I am disconnected from the person I used to be, and the more and more I get into this with my therapists (I have 2 because I'm extra, I guess), the more I feel like I am losing that person.

I know the feel. Finding the bits and pieces from your mind that are "not completely you" and connecting with them can be confusing and give the feelings of not knowing who "you" are as a whole. It's okay. It eases up with time. Try to connect to the here and now, to keep the physical aspects of the life together, and with the experiences of every day piling up together one at a time, you can (re) built the sense of identity of who you are as a whole.

It takes time and patience. It takes help and grounding. But it is possible, one step at a time.

After all, a mountain is "just" a huge pile of rocks. To start building one, you need to start with rock number one. Then add the second. And so on. Patiently. One day at a time.


The early stages of recovery, when you start becoming aware of the state of the things and how messed up they are, hurt. They are the most difficult ones. They are confusing, unpleasant, they are just the worse.

The good news are!!!

Seeing where it hurts helps you figuring out where to start working towards recovery. There are ressources helping to recover from complex dissociation (DID or OSDD and most of the stuff in the book are good for PTSD too to some extend) such as "Coping with trauma related dissociation". It's a huge book to tackle, and it takes time. But it's a nice tool to use with the help of a therapist. You can find it second-hand sometimes, or borrow in some libraries. I found it very helpful.

Good luck and do not hesitate to post here because, like mod Snaga said, we all gather here for conveniency instead of jumping between DID and OSDD.