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New System Fears & Loud Bang inside my Head?

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New System Fears & Loud Bang inside my Head?

Postby OriginofNine » Sun Mar 20, 2022 8:52 am

Hi all, I know this is my first post so no one knows me yet, but I'm posting this in the hopes that someone might be on and have any suggestions.

Quick background; I very recently (as in last week) had a session with a healer in which I strongly experienced being in different part states in front of another person for the first time. I've had suspicions for about a year, but feeling that come through and admitting what's going on internally to another human being is another experience entirely.

Since then my system/my protector(s?) and manager(s?) (I haven't clearly identified everything yet) has been in complete freak out mode. Especially as the week prior, a protective/little (blended?) part made it very clear to me that we stayed safe by hiding. Including from ourselves. I'm not sure exactly what kind of system we have, but it's clearly not single.

Tonight in the shower, which is where my thoughts happen, lol, a memory came up and I realized that the sudden and drastic behaviour change was a switch. Like it had never occurred to me before that these were distinct parts of me, even though the memory has bothered me and doesn't make sense otherwise.

Then another memory came up, which previously was gone, and I only knew about because my Mother had told me she was surprised what I did remember was positive. (She had really lost it on us - me and my IRL sisters.) Years later I had brought this up to my therapist at the time, who encouraged me to see if I could remember more. (Oops?) I tried my very best, and all I got was the positive memory, then the scene turning blue, then pulling back and turning into a film reel (still blue) then the slides turned a weird red colour, then one with an angry face overlayed and black. Nothing. But then tonight, when this memory came up I looked at it again, and as I reached the end I realized with horror that memory was in another part, and I was starting to switch. This all sounds completely unbelievable to me writing this out, how could I know being so soon into this? But that wooshing feeling is undeniable.

I did everything I could to stop that from happening, saying no no no out loud and willing it to not happen. I have a part(s?) of me that are driven to remember everything, and I believe would flood my nervous system with everything if they were left up to their own devices. And parts that are still kind of hiding and pretty pissed that I know much of anything at all. Probably because of exactly this reason.

I tried to go to sleep, and took 5mg of melatonin, started to fall asleep, and heard this LOUD BANG! noise right as I was drifting off. It kind of sounded like a gun shot, only not quite, felt/heard between my ears, and the fact that my body's response in addition to the sort of wide awake (groggy especially because of the melatonin) heart racing response, was to give me a migraine style headache vs a tension headache that's felt in my shoulders, indicates to me that this really was an internal "sound" and not one from outside. Also I heard no sounds of other tenants in my apartment reacting to it like going to a window to investigate either. (Yeah the fact that I'm good at noticing all these details as part of my daily routine to figure out what's real should have told me something...)

Obviously I haven't been able to get back to sleep since then, although writing this out is helpful and I'm feeling myself settle a bit again.

I'd like to know if anyone else has experienced these kinds of noises internally. If anyone else's managers/protectors tried to hide everything/keep everything running without "me" (all of us) noticing, any tips on what to do with PTSD type experiences like this within a system, and how to get everyone on the same page when one part(s?) is willy nilly running around and quite happy to dig everything up, while other parts are like nooo, we have to maintain functionality. Although in part - SOME of that "trying to maintain functionality" is actually causing me to be sick and LOOSE function, which became clear a couple of weeks ago, which is probably why being aware of everything came next.

I'd like to learn to be kind to myself.

Thank you to anyone who reads this all the way through.
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Re: New System Fears & Loud Bang inside my Head?

Postby Snaga » Sun Mar 20, 2022 5:21 pm

Well, hello and welcome to the forums!

I was glommed onto this post by another moderator because of the BANG!!

I experienced that oh I guess last last year- I'd have to look it up let's see...

And here it is- I won't go over it all again here but you might want to pop over to this link and see what you think. I've only had it happen the one time but man it sure does get your attention and I don't want it to happen ever again, even if it is relatively benign....

primary-sleep/topic219893.html

For a while I thought (or may be still- they're quiet for quite some time now) OSDD, I really don't think it's necessarily a dissociative thing going on and it seems to occur at the edge of sleep.
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Re: New System Fears & Loud Bang inside my Head?

Postby OriginofNine » Mon Mar 21, 2022 9:40 am

Hi Snaga! That's helpful, thank you. I had several of the "this might lead to that" factors last night, so that makes sense. It's reassuring to know that you've experienced the same thing - at least it sounds exactly like it!

I'm not sure what you mean about OSDD?
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Re: New System Fears & Loud Bang inside my Head?

Postby Snaga » Mon Mar 21, 2022 5:07 pm

OriginofNine wrote:I'm not sure what you mean about OSDD?



Other Specified Dissociative Disorder- that's the new name- here in the forums we're stuck with older versions of the DSM so yeah, DDNOS it is. It replaced DDNOS in the current DSM.


With the new terminology, it's broken up into OSDD-A and OSDD-B, there's Type A and Type B- I would be type B, if I do have it- that would be personalities that are relatively distinct, but without the amnesia episodes associated with DID. The times I've experienced 'others' fronting, I've generally been aware of it. Like being the passenger in a car. I can see, just I ain't doing the driving. And... meh it would get interesting. Especially while actually driving... found out real quick who was allowed behind the wheel of a car, and who the system had to dogpile on to keep that from happening. (Do not let 14 year old alts drive a motor vehicle while listening to their favorite music.)

Or I could just be Borderline as hell and when the anxiety gets to much the cray-cray comes out. I have BPD traits and sometimes BPD can have an appearance of DID if I recall correctly- please someone here correct me on any wrong points, here lately if I don't regularly put stuff in my head, it leaks out and it's been a while since I read up on any of this.
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Re: New System Fears & Loud Bang inside my Head?

Postby OriginofNine » Wed Mar 23, 2022 10:13 pm

Oh I see, re-reading your original post I wasn't sure if you meant about yourself in general, but it looks like you were just talking about the loud bang being OSDD related or not? Yeah it's good to know that's not really something to worry about.

Why are we stuck with the older version for the forums?

I would be OSDD-1a if I have it, I believe. I do have quite a lot of amnesia, although it's "small" - like looking for my toothbrush that I replaced 2.5 weeks ago last night. (I looked at my calendar afterwards to figure that out when I realized) and trauma related, like not remembering something an abuser said to me but knowing there was something really important there. (In a couple of cases I was able to get that memory back years later after therapy.) Not remembering what we're arguing about or just argued about, not being able to remember something long enough to write it down if someone does or says anything in the meantime, huge chunks of childhood that are just "gone," (also been getting some of that back randomly after years of therapy) etc etc. But I identify my different parts as "me" - even though they're different ages, or pure EPs, or I'm afraid of them.

Haha I can understand why not on the 14yr old with favorite music!! Driving has been... interesting lately. :| I'd be taking public transit if that was an option right now.

I considered BPD as well, briefly. It just doesn't fit though. I think the lack of emotional nurturing that is necessary to create DID is going to have some overlap - the treatment seems to need to include the emotional regulation necessary for both. But treating an adult with BPD is a bit different than someone with an emotional part that's 2yrs old - fronts, cries out of nowhere, and then is "gone" again.
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Re: New System Fears & Loud Bang inside my Head?

Postby Snaga » Thu Mar 24, 2022 1:25 am

Yes I was meaning I don't think the exploding head was necessarily to do with your dissociation, or mine. Just... lucky us, yay.

Psychforums has been around twenty years this year. The forums were set up along the lines of the DSM-IV and can't easily be changed. Which means there'll be differences in a forum name or two, and even in the grouping, because of changes made in the DSM-V
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Re: New System Fears & Loud Bang inside my Head?

Postby OriginofNine » Fri Mar 25, 2022 5:25 pm

Haha right?

I see, I realized it would be hard to change names when I followed the link from my email to here.
I notice it's not exactly very busy here. It would be nice to get to know some more people going through similar things. I found a couple of groups on Facebook (with an anonymous account, yay) are there any other places you might recommend?
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Re: New System Fears & Loud Bang inside my Head?

Postby Snaga » Fri Mar 25, 2022 6:43 pm

No I can't think of any and I'd have to write myself up for promoting another site :mrgreen:

DDNOS isn't going to be very busy- you may find yourself hanging out more in the DID forum- since it's all dissociation they're pretty good about OSDD posts in there. When my 'others' were active we hardly posted here except maybe a little journal thread we kept up a while, otherwise we hung out in DID. DID stays pretty busy- it's the busiest forum in PF at the moment.

Not sure why PF is quiet. Back when I first registered, it was hopping pretty good in multiple forums but it's slowed down a whole lot. You would think the last couple years would have seen us covered up in posts....
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Re: New System Fears & Loud Bang inside my Head?

Postby OriginofNine » Sat Mar 26, 2022 7:01 am

lol, understood.

Ok, I might try saying hi in there, thank you.

I'm surprised it's the most active one on PF in general right now! Given how there's not all that much there either.

I think the last couple of years has really driven people to social media for a number of different reasons. I do miss the good ol' days of the early internet forums, but it is what it is.
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Re: New System Fears & Loud Bang inside my Head?

Postby Snaga » Sat Mar 26, 2022 3:29 pm

OriginofNine wrote:I think the last couple of years has really driven people to social media for a number of different reasons. I do miss the good ol' days of the early internet forums, but it is what it is.


Yes that's the moderation team consensus. Dopamine and Drama! Drama! Drama!

Personally, I prefer letting my crazy out here instead of parading it on social media as if we were on Jerry Springer, but that's just me.
Tell someone you love them today, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

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