been panicking about it off and on for a few years

Hi all. As the title says, I've been worried about having something plural-related for a couple of years. That probably started with this one friend. They had just learned that they had DID, and they were telling me about it. It didn't really register as anything important, and I just mentioned this time when I was around 20. I had gotten high, and the cruel things I usually berate myself with were suddenly a separate voice. I don't think that's happened since then.

*** Trigger Warning: some mention of self-harm ***

There were a few things afterwards that made them bring it up again. Sometimes I get this feeling of rage and tension out of nowhere, or other times it's clearly triggered. I told that friend about something that had happened with my partner, that now that I think about it, I'd rather not mention. I guess I could one time it was triggered when I let my partner hit me for a while, and then I started grabbing their arms, and as they lectured me, I saw an image of choking them, and I made the mistake of mentioning that... I guess another one was sleeping off depression/suicidality. I still brushed all of those off because 1. I have CPTSD and it seems to have a lot of the same stuff, and 2. my partner has pretty pronounced DID and I lack about half their experiences.

So I think I mostly pushed that all away for a while. Last autumn, I started getting these feelings like something in me was spinning, very frequently for a bit. That quit, but then there were these random background thoughts. I couldn't remember if my thoughts used to work that way, and it was weird that I normally hear nothing, or if this is the weird thing. (I'm trans and coming out to my mom and starting HRT caused me to dissociate less. It's no longer constant.) They're mostly incoherent random words, or at least were at first. There are more relevant phrases and things, but usually focusing on it makes the end turn into mumbling. Sometimes that gets so hard to ignore that it ruins my concentration. (My mom also has this symptom, but possibly more often. She mentioned some other suspect things, like being shown pictures by her "angels", but my partner sort of dismissed that. I guess it could also be schizophrenia or something.) I see pictures of ways to harm myself, mostly. Once it nearly broke me down.

I'm working with a therapist for some of that, but honestly problems come up so often that I don't know if it's possible to make progress. I have something to email her at least once a week. She recommended parts work and EMDR, but so far we haven't gotten to the EMDR.

I'm not sure what else would be helpful. Derealization and depersonalization have been issues for most of my life, partly from being trans, partly from having a bad sleep schedule that sometimes has me waking at night, the tiny amount I leave my house... I don't lose time or anything like that (aside maybe from getting really into a game.) But I did completely forget a few things I wrote in my journals years ago, like the fact that I had started to accept my gender. That got repressed for another 5-6 years. Oh, I guess there was this time that I was shaving in the mirror, and I started daydreaming, and I forgot where I was and what I was doing. I was shaken out of it by a tickling feeling on my chin. It turned out my hand was continuing to move and shave the same spot on my chin.
One therapist was looking into CPTSD with me, and I was diagnosed with BPD (and MDD and GAD) at an intensive outpatient program. Most things that people around me think are part of OSDD/DID seem to be equally explained by those. (Even the migraines are associated with BPD.) I'm dating two systems, with the first finding out about 6-7 months after we started dating. The other I guess found out in jail. Again, don't relate too much to either. Still have been a bit worried, if not for it being a dissociative disorder, then for it being something that I can't identify but that negatively affects my life sometimes.

Sorry if there are any issues with this post, and I can fix it if there are. I just get kind of frustrated with being a bit in the dark for this long, moreso as some of these new symptoms came up. Let me know if this matches anyone's experience, or if you have any other hints to what it could be. Thanks.

"I don't lose time or anything like that (aside maybe from getting really into a game.) But I did completely forget a few things"

"there were these random background thoughts. I couldn't remember if my thoughts used to work that way, and it was weird that I normally hear nothing, or if this is the weird thing... They're mostly incoherent random words, or at least were at first. There are more relevant phrases and things, but usually focusing on it makes the end turn into mumbling. Sometimes that gets so hard to ignore that it ruins my concentration."

I relate so much! I've been questioning if I have DID/OSDD for a couple years now and you put my experiences into words. I do believe I have DID, though, as I've had moments in the past that I'm not entirely sure were blackouts or possibly something else. For example, and I actually don't remember this, but I have messages from years ago complaining of blackouts - one message has a screenshot of a poem and me talking to my boyfriend about how I don't remember it at all... I have reason to suspect that I might've just only vaguely remembered it and just exaggerated; I tend to do that without realizing, I think, so I don't want to jump and say it was 100% a blackout... I just don't remember!
Other times I've experienced could be very much written off as something else (such as ADHD forgetfulness and just zoning out), so for the time being I just don't know if I experience amnesia! But I relate to how you described thoughts being mumbled and confusing and making it hard to concentration. I often have a hard time typing paragraphs and I always attributed it to my autism, but when I think about it, I think it's because of this reason; even my own thoughts and monologue turn into mushed confusing mumbling words sometimes and it gets hard to figure out what to say and it gets hard to find words.