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Newbie in need of Help/Advice

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Newbie in need of Help/Advice

Postby deerfeet » Tue Apr 06, 2021 6:06 am

Okay so, I'll start this by saying I'm by no means looking for a diagnosis here or anything of that sort. I'm looking for personal stories, advice, etc. Whatever y'all got, really, because Google is not helpful.
Apologies if this isn't in the right place, I'm new here.

Since October of last year I've experienced these weird brain episodes. I don't know what to call them except extreme depersonalization. It feels like my brain and consciousness is being grabbed and pried out of my head by some other force. My consciousness moves to the back of my skull and everything becomes sort of static-y, blurry and unreal, and I either become unable to move or my movements become very hard to do. I feel stiff and heavy. I feel like I'm fighting something, and sometimes I can become sleepy. This only really happened when I was stressed, but I do remember it happening when I was calm, and during this period of time I either dissociated all day or was having one of these episodes.
It stopped for a few months, and then last Thursday (3/30) it happened while I was cooking. This was particularly distressing because 1. I was deep frying, and being barely able to move then is pretty dangerous and 2. I noticed I felt a bit "different" after that. I don't know how to explain it. It has happened once since then, but I suspect that if I have any alters, they switch or co-front more regularly than that.

I am a victim of repeated trauma and abuse, and I have done drugs. Both of these things haven't happened in a while, outside of flashbacks and small doses. I've always sort of joked and suspected I had DID or OSDD because of several reasons, but always brushed it off until recently. I researched the symptoms and found I fit most of them, besides lots of amnesia and sturdy seperate identities. I've been watching my behavior and seeing how the things I like, the things I'm good at, how I talk, my body language, thoughts, etc. change over the day, and I notice them more and more often. Ever since I noticed myself changing so often like this, my mental health has been slowly declining, and I'm losing track of who I think I am.

I don't want another self-diagnosis but I don't know what to do. It's a very scary thought, and makes me panic a bit even talking about. I feel like part of this could just me be subconsciously influencing my behavior but there are things I've done and heard about myself doing before I even considered I had some dissociative disorder that aren't explainable, like sudden mood swings and memory loss.

I'm very very hesitant to come forward to my parents about this, as they are the source of my trauma and my sister is currently struggling with depression and anxiety. I don't think they would believe me. I will be 18 soon, however. I do plan on getting diagnoses as soon as money and time allows for other issues, so I'm already working on that. Any advice?
Last edited by Snaga on Tue Apr 06, 2021 6:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: moved to DID, then back to DDNOS with a shadow link left in DID; no edits
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Re: Newbie in need of Help/Advice

Postby Snaga » Tue Apr 06, 2021 6:24 pm

Hello, and welcome to the forums!

Mmm I felt moved enough by your post, to create a shadow link to it in DID forum also, so that it can be followed it here.

I have OSDD possibly also- I have had definite times (usually under stress) where I felt not in control- but it wasn't so much feeling as if it was hard to move, as much as I simply wasn't in executive control of the body- it was doing what needed doing (at work) just fine- I was merely a passive observer. Wasn't even unpleasant, merely curious, almost amusing in a detached, lazy way- not really frightening because things were getting handled quite well- I just wasn't the one doing it.

After that, well other personalities began peeking out- at least so that I was actually conscious of what was happening.

If.. it turns out this fits better in depersonalization or something, we can always move it later- but I think it's fine here for the moment, let's see where it goes.
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Re: Newbie in need of Help/Advice

Postby deerfeet » Tue Apr 06, 2021 7:28 pm

Thank you for the welcome!

I'm still researching a bit. I'm hesitant to believe it's even a psychological thing, just to be thorough and rule out more mundane options, but I'm still not sure. Perhaps a type of seizure? I have no history of them but, first time for everything, I guess. I do have pretty bad vertigo sometimes, so, perhaps that could be related. I dunno.

During the episodes, I usually don't feel frightened. More so just uncomfortable, confused, and waiting for it to stop. I typically can't do what I need to, but I did manage to pull through (albeit, slowly) on the last one. If they happen more often I suppose I'll get more used to them. I do think I have CPTSD and periods of visual hallucinations and delusions so I'm sure that's related somehow.
Everything I look up about the episode things leads to depersonalization but it doesn't explain the "different" feeling after. Ever since I noticed it I've also heard voices on one occasion; right as I was getting ready to sleep I heard two cut-off voices, like they were in the middle of a word. I was too tired to really care then.

I guess I'll just wait if more things pop up but, the suspense is killing me, lol
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Re: Newbie in need of Help/Advice

Postby Snaga » Wed Apr 07, 2021 1:46 am

I'm pretty sure that dizziness while being 'switchy' isn't unknown.

But the 'slow to move' thing is... interesting. Maybe someone else here has experienced it and will contribute.
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Re: Newbie in need of Help/Advice

Postby Monav » Tue Apr 13, 2021 2:42 am

I have experienced feeling like I was thinking and moving in slow motion and it wasn’t “me” acting, I was observing. I have often in the past bought self-harm “tools” and then not been able to remember where I hid them. I have been aware of a “part” of me having a plan but hiding it from me. I have experienced “switching” while driving - scary. But I don’t lose time. Hope this helps.
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Re: Newbie in need of Help/Advice

Postby Jessica6 » Tue Apr 13, 2021 5:30 pm

Hahahaha switching while driving is SO interesting ain't it? We're like OSDD or something, and the hosty was beboppin' down the interstate when auntie Sam took over? and at that time it was like we hadn't differentiated between like, her and me and Sabbie? And the host was like dude you got this? And she was like dude, ain't sure ain't never drove this fast. And there was like someone else in the car so you know we had to like be cool an $#%^ about it and pretend like there wasn't nothin' goin on. And... yeah you get used to it. But the first few times it's like one or more be like dude? You got this?

I think the thing to do when switching like that an one or more of y'all are in on it observing is to just like stay calm and stuff and not make it more than it is. I mean don't you think especially like in a OSDD situation it's like okay none of us lose like days of time or nothin' (even if we lose lots of little bits of time), we're all here an if we all been here, then we been functioning before we was aware of each other an actually felt the dissociation for what it was- so... if we're like, you know, still alive? Then apparently things like driving been handled pretty well you know? So we just like take a deep breath and just... we got this. If someone ain't got this, got to have faith someone who DOES will step in an handle it. 'cause that's what dissociation is all about ain't it? Surviving. Difference now, is that you know you been doing it.
OSDD-1b (perhaps):

Jessica (f, 25 PV)
Steph(m,50s orig, body, SV)/-Samantha (f,31 SQ)
-Sabrina (f,12 v)
--Stefanie (f,16 v)

Albert (m,14 q)
Nameless One (m,? q)

Charlie (m,5 q)
Aurora (f,70s? q)

P=Primary S=Secondary V/v=Vocal Q/q=Quiet
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Re: Newbie in need of Help/Advice

Postby deerfeet » Wed Apr 21, 2021 5:06 am

Thank you all for the input. I wasn't expecting this many replies.

I haven't been working on research quite as much because of school. Joy.

It's steadily gotten worse; I was in a decently good mental state and now it's sort of declined into.. something. It's weird, but not the strangest headspace I've ever been in. Probably due to school. I still get those weird head-away things, although usually to a lesser degree. I don't really notice them too much, and I don't lose time during. I dissociate a LOT during schoolwork, but it's sort of half-assed. It feels like I'm being torn away and I'm only partially in control, if that makes sense? I'm willing myself to do the work physically but my mind is partially somewhere else. I get tired and annoyed with the work and have to take a break, usually between subjects, like when doing homework. My brain gets tired and foggy, and it takes me a while to get back into the right headspace to do work after the break. That's probably normal but I'm trying to be an open book here.
My memory is already pretty foggy but it has gotten a bit worse. During a standardized test I remember blinking and thinking "Where am I?" in the middle of the test, where I had been sitting for about 2 hours by then. Immediately after I was like oh yeah, school. Idk if that's normal or not, it's the first time that happened. I do notice more behavior changes, especially when talking to my parents.

There's some part of me that is afraid that I'm faking this, and it's rolling around in my little pea-brain subconscious where I want pity and a community and all that. I already feel so disconnected from reality that another self-dx would be a bit much. So, currently battling with that. Still trying to figure out what the hell this is in general.
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Re: Newbie in need of Help/Advice

Postby Jessica6 » Mon May 17, 2021 5:11 pm

How you feeling now?
OSDD-1b (perhaps):

Jessica (f, 25 PV)
Steph(m,50s orig, body, SV)/-Samantha (f,31 SQ)
-Sabrina (f,12 v)
--Stefanie (f,16 v)

Albert (m,14 q)
Nameless One (m,? q)

Charlie (m,5 q)
Aurora (f,70s? q)

P=Primary S=Secondary V/v=Vocal Q/q=Quiet
The world needs more unicorns.
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Re: Newbie in need of Help/Advice

Postby deerfeet » Tue May 18, 2021 12:37 am

Better. I graduated, and turned 18. So I guess I don't have an excuse to ignore everything much longer, but I need money first. That's besides the point lol.

I discovered a thing called structural dissociation. I think it's a thing I suffer from due to my CPTSD and could have something to do with the feeling "different" stuff. I don't know how to explain the brain-away things in a medical way, but they haven't happened as recently. I assume they might be linked, as structural dissociation turns into/describes OSDD and DID if severe enough, and it sort of comes in the package for some people who have CPTSD.
There are a few types of structural dissociation, so if I find what might trigger the episodes besides what I already know, I think I could be on the right path.
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