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Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

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Re: Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

Postby Jessica6 » Wed Nov 04, 2020 3:11 am


<3 Hello Violet!

Yes, sweetie- I think we can all agree that this year has got to be like, super challenging for all of us- even Normies must be struggling- how much more those of us, who are...well, who have issues.

Sabrina read this? And she's like, lol I'm still part her look at my writing- she's like, being a cat girl or a furry or something, is totally awesome! She thinks you're rad- well, I do too, and I agree about the ears and the tail. They're part of you, and of course they're going to feel as if they're there, even if it's just inside, that you feel them!

And I can well imagine your cat part doesn't front! Poor thing, but hopefully y'all all take care of it and give it some loving.

We all like cats, always have- always forever as far back as we can remember. We let Sabbie be just a tiny bit cute- we like to wear cat masks when we're out. Nobody really seems to look at us weird and why not? It hurts no one and we might as well have a little fun, and Sabbie loves it.

Agreed about keeping safe- it's as if I didn't always see that, but at first, me and Sabrina came out together as sort of one, then we differentiated into two selves, even though we still intermingle sometimes. It wasn't until I was more 'me', than I realised keeping everyone safe was what I do well- internally. And part of that, is understanding that Steph doesn't want outward attention drawn to us. We must be good at it- I think it was a Rings System video we were watching and she was like there are times when you can't possibly thing the people around you don't see how different you're acting, but yet... there you are, and everything seems normal. But we have caught some looking at us funny, a time or two. Still, I think for most of us, we can agree that we've often made um, a career of hiding ourselves so as to appear normal to the world. It's really important like you said, to find that balance.

Ah crap I think I'm being called. It is getting late. All right you have a good night, girl, and take care and we'll speak with you again- hugs! I know it must be frightfully hard, having to bear the brunt of the fronting. Be sure to take plenty of private time and with people, like you said, that are cool with you just being you! <3 huggies

OSDD-1b (perhaps):
Steph (m,50s)
Samantha (f,31)
Stefanie (f,16)
Sabrina (f,12)
Albert (m,14)
Allison (f, 20)
Charlie (m,5)
Aurora (f,70s?)
Nameless One (m,?)


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Re: Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

Postby Jessica6 » Thu Nov 05, 2020 6:31 am

I haven't as yet, actually read this thread- the various posts. Maintaining that we're likely, if anything, OSDD, it's not as if the posts will be completely foreign, yet I often forget that I've made them. And having my admin account- which I feel as if it's wrong to even admit to- and this account, only intensify that. It's enormously unsettling, and irritating, to be modding and checking on threads I've posted in, to click on one that shows new activity, only to realise it was us! Heck, I even do that when it's the same account I'm logged in as. Sam, or Sab, or whoever, doesn't always realise that another one of us, has posted something, and even though we nearly always instantly recognise it, once we read it- we've quite forgotten that it existed, until reminded.

I'm wondering- and this is something the known system has been feeling- if there's not being a change in who hosts. Not sure if I'm going to be supplanted, as the main host- I can't see myself entirely being un-hosted, but I could easily conceive of co-hosts. And I think that's liable to be Samantha.

I'll explain- for today, and really, other times, as well- when Samantha has been helping another forum member, things will feel very right and natural for us, and I'll forget that I'm not fronting- most of the time, I'm very aware and self-conscious of the reality that I'm not behaving as 'me'.

As if Samantha has been also being with us, when we were merely here as a moderator and didn't have jessica6 to overtly post as a system in. More than I realised- I think that would be covert switching? But I'm beginning to suspect that I've been twisted up with Samantha, rather more than I realised.

I... was fixin' to log off, I'd done some modding- and before that I'd been watching some videos about politics- something that usually really grounds 'me' to being 'me. And I felt perfectly 'me'. But I relogged into jessica6, and for #*@&# and giggles, decided to look up that faceclaiming thread. I already knew (OSDD, remember), what they'd chosen to graphically represent themselves. I was.. of course I still feel intolerably fraudulent, even to my own self- I was interested, to see if they 'felt' right, as me being me- the part we've named 'Steph'. Which I'm beginning to think is a poor choice- it leaves no nickname for Stephanie. But anyway. So I looked at Sabrina's choice, and... pretty little girl- much too young-looking and it is nothing short of cringy, and creepy, to ME, for that to be a graphical representation of any facet of my personality, I don't care if a hundred doctors told me to my face I am 101% DID (and not just OSDD), I don't care, that's just icky! It is, and nothing can change that.

remember, this is Steph, here. male, older... matches the body as far as age and gender.

Then I scrolled down to Samantha's choice. Now, I've always loved Abba- and she chose Agnetha. I'd be tempted to say that was something subconscious on my part, because as me, I was attracted to her.

So... I look, and... I was unprepared, for the 'rightness' of that photo. I'm still supposed to be me! If anything, I'd ought to have thought Oh cool! Agnetha! Nice! And indeed I have some sexy photos of her I do enjoy. But this one felt... I'm not sure. Looking into a familiar face, and it felt like not me, but us. It felt very comfortable, and cozy. Like an article of clothing that has been broken in, such that it is comforting and has perfectly molded itself to you.

Coupled with the strange feeling as if there's a subtle power exchange between me and Samantha, that's... I would up to recently, have said frightening. Now, it's only frightening, if I ruminate too long, on it.

Does ANY of this, make sense to anyone? Am I looking at some kind of shift?

If anyone could overtly keep up 'normal' behavior, I think it'd be Sam. Stephanie strikes us as being slightly autistic or something. Sabrina is much too manic, and she'd be utterly miserable as a predominate front. If the system does, by instinct, the 'sensible', protective thing, well, out of the known members, I'd expect out of anyone I know of, to be a co-host, the sensible choice would be Samantha. I'm beginning to wonder, if she hasn't been the whole time!

Steph
OSDD-1b (perhaps):
Steph (m,50s)
Samantha (f,31)
Stefanie (f,16)
Sabrina (f,12)
Albert (m,14)
Allison (f, 20)
Charlie (m,5)
Aurora (f,70s?)
Nameless One (m,?)


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Re: Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

Postby Jessica6 » Fri Nov 06, 2020 8:41 pm


Didn't bother to read all that boring stuff but there's definitely something afoot as they say.

So... we were driving or someone was but then it was me. I have been kinda stuck from being out, then suddenly, I wasn't. we have reasons we think I got unstuck.

But, it comes with things, that we don't LIKE.

So let me explain.

Steph (m,50s)
Samantha (f,31)
Stephanie (f,18)
Sabrina (f,14)
Albert (m,14)
Charlie (m,5)
Aurora (f,70s)
Nameless One (m,?)

That's not completely right.

We realised. Well back up. Okay so when Sam and Sabrina first came out, they were like, one- but they very quickly differentiated into A Sam and A Sabbie.

So well we've been talking to each other several days about how we felt some kind of split coming, where there was going to be some more differentiation, and we got wind of some possible names.

And see I been kinda stuck, and I could really just mostly ride on others, so I was taking um, parts of that person.

But today I come out really good, it's weird. Sorry I can't write too well, which is super strange because I talk just fine! But it's like when I write I have to think more carefully. I don't understand that at all.

Anyway before I get too sleepy and have to go away, we realised something! There MIGHT be a split still, we assumed it was going to be a girl Little. Then suddenly, we saw how my um, how I act was quickly developing, and we seen how Sabrina been acting, and she's not happy, and I'm not, either!

###$. ###$ ###$ goddamn ###$.

Well we found out she's not 14 she's more like 12. Which is still like almost sorta teenager but she's super pissed about this cause she don't want to be younger. And I was driving along like, that's a bummer, sis, and then it was like of ###$ someone- I think Sam- was telling me you're not 18. And all of a sudden it wasn't so meh about Sabrina. I mean cause I was like it sucks, but you know it didn't affect me. We thought for suer I was 18 a while now but... ###$, no.

Dammit. Dammit to ######6 HELL.

So I'm... I keep trying to bargain for 17. I'll be like at least let me be 17. But Sam keep saying no sweetie you're 16.

So yeah. Here we've been looking for some kind of split, and we suspected it was Sabrina, and that a younger (little) would split off her- but that's not it at all! I'm the damn split, and it's been under our nose the entire time, but we just didn't see it.

I really chafe at being 16, but there's not much I can do about it. I know what I ought to look like. I'm re haired, skinny, pale and freckles. I can't wait to faceclaim myself, but it has to be just right.

So Sabbie slides back two years which really isn't much, but to her, it feels like forever. And I'm... 16. I can't say I much care for that. I WANT to be 18. And I keep pleading that I'm 17, but we all get the sensation as to what someone is, and it's saying 16.

Sucks, but oh well, I'm not sure what we can do about it.

This is going to sound retarded, but we think the fact that she and I hate it so much, makes it right. Because it feels right to the system, but not to us personally, because we'd like to be older.

Does any of that make sense?

##Stephanie##

OSDD-1b (perhaps):
Steph (m,50s)
Samantha (f,31)
Stefanie (f,16)
Sabrina (f,12)
Albert (m,14)
Allison (f, 20)
Charlie (m,5)
Aurora (f,70s?)
Nameless One (m,?)


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Re: Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

Postby Jessica6 » Fri Nov 06, 2020 9:06 pm


Albert is still a twin brother to Sabbie, so that slides him back and he's like whatever- he really doesn't much care.

But it really chafed me to change mine, it's like !@#@.

But it is what it is, and it's stupid to lie about it, it's kind of embarrassing, however.

So let's see. I drive. I like pickled eggs. I like to drink- a lot. Working on both of those very important pasttimes as we write this.

I cuss a lot. And yeah. I don't know. This whole differentiating crap has both me and Sabrina very bummed out but we got each other so I'll like hug her and tell her it's okay, I mean, it's not as if she acts any different- she's just gone from being a less mature 14, to a more precocious 12. And.. that is no comfort, for me. None. Although, I think the system as a whole didn't think the '18' beside my name felt correct. Isn't that strange, the system knows things, but it's like we don't at first, and they it just wells up like watching a polaroid develop itself.

Still want to be 17 though but the more I want to be, it's like the more something's telling me I'm not- I suppose it's silly, and juvenile, to pitch a fit over just one year. But... I can't make myself put that in our system signature because it'd feel like lying. And lying to yourself is a pretty retarded thing to do.

We got to get doing some stuff, but we felt like it was SUPER important to record all this, while I was fronting. I still feel sort of shifty, but I have a lot more sense of self, than I did.

What's surprising us the most is how bad I type, and how it feels as if every word is a single thing- like, when Sammie writes it flows better, and when Sabrina writes it is this constant unending stream. And it's like, I feel free and flowing and easy when I sing along to the radio, or I'm cussing something out, or even talking to others people out loud, I'm all right, but when it's time to write unless someone's writing thru me, I slow down, and speed up, and the words seem stilted. I think someone said they thought I was a little autistic and maybe that's what makes them think that but I don't THINK autistic, but it's just hard to type. And I make a lot more mistakes than others do.

LOL it's almost as if I have some sort of learning disability- which we do think we have as a system- it's like we're smart, but when you have ADD sometimes there's like this thing that comes along with it, that makes it seem as if you're stupid. I don't remember what it's called.

Anyway we have plenty we need to do, and it's not getting itself done. There's going to be a bunch of people over, and it's like, I want to stay out and party and stuff? But. I'll have to mask up a lot, too, or they think we're like, weird. Maybe that's why I want to drink LOL- when we drink, I can kind of like be me, but they think oh look at her, she's just been drinking.

Wow that's really profound- somehow, that doesn't seem me, we'll pretend Sam said that, lol. I don't want to claim anything too adult. Even though I want to be 18 and was mad as my polaroid developed and said Nope Girl you're 16 so suck it. That is truly childish. Oh God please don't let me be one of them age sliders I'll be all over the place, that doesn't seem fair to Sabrina, either. It's bad enough, her being bumped back a couple. I'm old enough, I really ought to be able to deal with it better. I feel as if I ought to be an adult but I'm still a bit of a kid- stuck, in the middle.

Wow if I keep rambling I'll have found out what the question to 42 is. And then we'll have speaking engagements, and we'll be rich and famous and have seminars where we wear one of those little retarded headset mikes as we fire the audience who paid 199.95 for the course, up, and be on Ted Talks and all that $#%^, lol.

Yeah now I am rambling. Also, our alcohol tolerance isn't exactly stellar. been sipping some peppermint shine and spoiling my appetite on quail eggs. They're awfully good, though. Little jars I could eat about three of those jars.

All right really I need to go. Guess I'm feeling just a bit lonely or something so I keep talking.

peace out y'all

##Stephanie##

OSDD-1b (perhaps):
Steph (m,50s)
Samantha (f,31)
Stefanie (f,16)
Sabrina (f,12)
Albert (m,14)
Allison (f, 20)
Charlie (m,5)
Aurora (f,70s?)
Nameless One (m,?)


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Re: Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

Postby Jessica6 » Sat Nov 07, 2020 7:02 pm

We were typing in another thread and suddenly we were talking about stuff that we hadn't thought if for a long time.

But then things come back a little, like how scared we used to be of paisley. It'd look like little owl creatures staring at us. And we thought they were watching us waiting for us to go crazy.

And it's funny it wasn't until just now when I really come out (I really come out most on my own yesterday for the first time) that like today when we thought about the paisley owl watchers that we remembered how much of the body childhood, was spent wondering if we were crazy. I mean, like, a LOT. This anxiety and feeling of not being able to stay sane beating down on us over and over with no relief. Wow this ought to be in our journey let me see if I can move it.


Just wanted to put that here before we forgot. There was more but the system's old lady started texting us and it's like omg I'm not like a supercomputer I ain't got five million cores thanks for making me forget what else we was gonna say.

Maybe it was like we thought we had demons and stuff on account of OCD but we've said that in forums over and over and over.

So yeah it's gone now. Nons can be so Nonny.
OSDD-1b (perhaps):
Steph (m,50s)
Samantha (f,31)
Stefanie (f,16)
Sabrina (f,12)
Albert (m,14)
Allison (f, 20)
Charlie (m,5)
Aurora (f,70s?)
Nameless One (m,?)


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Jessica6
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Re: Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

Postby Jessica6 » Sat Nov 07, 2020 9:53 pm


So we talk to ourself a lot and we were talking, and this came in our mind, and we need to do other stuff but it seemed super important to write it down nowbefore we lose it.

So like we feel like our mind is a house of cards. And it's in a kitchen, a pretty kitchen mid century stuff and pretty colors and lots of green and yellow, and it's on a farm and the window is open and a pie is cooling and you smell grass, and clean air, and sunshine, and soil and farm animals and sweat from kind old farmer man and everything is as pretty and safe as can be.

But, my mind is a house of cards.

And it only sits on this little dinette set in kitchen, if you don't let the littlest wind hit it, and so a cloud passes over and a wind kicks up and the wind comes in the window and blows me all over the floor. Linoleum. And then it passes and everything is fresh and rain kissed and the sun is back out, but I'm all over the floor. So the kind people that don't know no better pick me up, and decide to stuff me in the little box that cards come in, and put me in a drawer in a table in the den under a lamp but I can't even see the lamp cause I'm in a box in a drawer. And every so often I'm taken out and played with not always in a mean way but sometimes depending on who's there.

And then everyone is dead, and the house is run down, and I'm not even in the ratty box no more, and just scrambled in a drawer and maybe a few cards missing and someone comes in to throw everything away, and they just scoop me up and throw me in a plastic garbage bag with the other junk that once made up some folks' life, and toss me on a trailer or truck to take to the landfill.

And that's all.

##Stephanie##


OSDD-1b (perhaps):
Steph (m,50s)
Samantha (f,31)
Stefanie (f,16)
Sabrina (f,12)
Albert (m,14)
Allison (f, 20)
Charlie (m,5)
Aurora (f,70s?)
Nameless One (m,?)


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Jessica6
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Re: Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

Postby Jessica6 » Sun Nov 08, 2020 4:15 pm



So much to write about but we are incapable, thanks to adult beverages. Stephanie is the hard drinker of the system and she talked first Steph then me into some snorts.

It's interesting to see how alcohol affects diffferent componients of a system. It makes Steph indordinately happy.

Stephanie loses what little filter I put on her.

And me it makes me melancholy but not utterly depressed. I refuse to get depressed Steph does that for all of us, then some.

Ut;s aksi amaxing to see how little this body tolerates. Especially with me, I appear to be the least tolerante.

We are so tied and like, we've grown to be consciously dependent upon each other but at the same time being a system gets old- Steph constantly questions his sanity.

Not sure it really matter. Wow. LOL I've alwways heard of double vision but have to type with one eye open, that's very interesting.

If I were cruel I'd force Sabrina out right now hust to see her reaction.



OSDD-1b (perhaps):
Steph (m,50s)
Samantha (f,31)
Stefanie (f,16)
Sabrina (f,12)
Albert (m,14)
Allison (f, 20)
Charlie (m,5)
Aurora (f,70s?)
Nameless One (m,?)


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Jessica6
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Re: Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

Postby Jessica6 » Mon Nov 09, 2020 7:04 am

I've nearly always been a happy drunk, but yesterday morning, definitely not the case. It was interesting to us.

Most of the day I didn't feel like Me, but was never 100% on who. After getting intoxicated in an embarrassingly small amount, we took a long nap filled with REM sleep, at one point we were still living with our mother. And she was dating some man. I often dream about the last house we shared together.

Woke up to a.... Little? Got an impression of female and three, but it evaporated, so I will not claim the existence of one, but did get the name Tabitha. Former name of a pet, actually, and the same goes for my known Little. It would be interesting to find they take the names of pets.

Tried to summon Sam, but she didn't remain long, and we reverted back into some mish mosh, and let it bother us, until we remembered that is okay to not know who is fronting. Mostly Stephanie I think but unsure.

We often, Sunday, felt our mind slide back in time, to many places and years and ages in our past. Mostly missing them or regretting them. But poignant glimpses into what was and what ought to have been, had we not always been turned inward.

Steph
OSDD-1b (perhaps):
Steph (m,50s)
Samantha (f,31)
Stefanie (f,16)
Sabrina (f,12)
Albert (m,14)
Allison (f, 20)
Charlie (m,5)
Aurora (f,70s?)
Nameless One (m,?)


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Jessica6
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Re: Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

Postby Jessica6 » Mon Nov 09, 2020 3:59 pm

We're stuck.

I mean, seriously stuck. Sabrina remains mostly buried, unless we listen to her favorite music, and even then she's only out for that. Samantha, I miss most of all- her calming influence, and ability to help with us all, is sorely missed. I feel Albert's anger, and so does Stephanie, and she snarls it out, and we sure could use some Samantha. But she feels absent.

And trying to conjure them, is pointless. I have to remind myself that not only can these things happen, that they've happened to me, in the past. Without actually looking back, we've known Sam (then quickly, Sam/Sab) for a few years, but it's only in the last several weeks, that they were out as often as I've gotten used to them being.

And it's odd that I should even miss it, because if it goes on for more than an hour or so, I get more and more questioning of my sanity! So why would I miss feeling them front?? It makes no sense, except that I'm apparently getting a bit co-dependent. Or miss being able to just let go and let someone else do the driving.

I forgot to mention that Sunday was also a day of many mood changes- I mean, I was driving alone, and that's the only time we'er free to be us, unfiltered, as little mask as we ever feel. It gets so tiring, to wear a mask. We hate this body, and this presentation, and having to fulfill a preconceived social notion, even though we also understand and adhere intellectually, to conservative principles that such presentations and social norms are norms, because they have served society very well for millennia. (**mod edit**) I don't wish to make all of society dysfunctional like me - I don't feel the need to make everyone validate my own hot mess. However, I do often feel like a caged animal, that I feel personally bound to being a certain thing, for the sake of those closest to me.

It gets very tiring, and discouraging, and the future feels like a gloomy, damp, foggy swamp.

But anyway, Sunday we were driving, and not sure who is me, who is Stevie- we both seem to be present, Stephanie and I- and we would feel like crying one moment, then be all happy the next, listening to something Sabrina likes the most.

It sort of occurred to us, we wonder if that's what having a Bipolar mixed episode is like- not claiming the disorder, but we self-test in a borderline fashion for it, and it's been suggested to us, by a friend with bipolar on here, that we probably meet the diagnostic criteria for a low grade version of the stuff. Typically, I don't think I am manic, but there are times, there are times...

Also I don't want to confuse mania, with the mere absence of soul-crushing depression. There have been one or two times, in our recent years, that we would be like, at work or something, under intense constant anxiety- then suddenly everything would lift- everything!! And we would feel so content, and light, that we thought we might float away. And we're like, 'is this mania'? But it would last... a few minutes at best, then we'd feel the usual sinking back down upon us, like a smothering foul honey.

I had decided, that it wasn't mania, those times- that it was merely what Normies feel, and since we stay anxious and depressed, all the time, the mere absence of it, is similar to a manic feeling?

I don't know. I don't think it was mania, those times- I just think it was a glimpse into what it's like to not be anxious and depressed your entire adult life and then some.

Steph

-- Mon Nov 09, 2020 10:08 am --

Also- although at the time, the choice of the name for this account, seemed 'random', that if this feeling of not me/not Stephanie continues, we might just start writing/signing entries as Jessica. The name comes more often to our lips, to represent... either the system, or what it is, when several of us are mixed.

We had considered petitioning to get a name change- allowable, as long as you don't make a bad habit of asking the mod team for a name change over and over- one, or even two, changes over a long period of time, for the life of your time in PF, isn't going to be a big deal, for the average user.

And I'd thought maybe naming it after Samantha, since she seems to be best at corralling alts.

But now.. things are just so muddy. May as well stay with jessica6- we're starting to think of ourselves as 'jessica', anyway- which is totally retarded, since that isn't connected with us in any way- overtly. But I'm learning that the system seems sort of a hive-mind, and sometimes it seems to act quite independently, of the individual parts- the changing of Sabrina and Stephanie, for instance, that none of us like, but yet, the 'hive mind' says that's what things are, now, and we get used to it, or not, that's just the way it is.
Last edited by Johnny-Jack on Mon Nov 09, 2020 7:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: edited out political comment
OSDD-1b (perhaps):
Steph (m,50s)
Samantha (f,31)
Stefanie (f,16)
Sabrina (f,12)
Albert (m,14)
Allison (f, 20)
Charlie (m,5)
Aurora (f,70s?)
Nameless One (m,?)


The world needs more unicorns.
User avatar
Jessica6
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Posts: 121
Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2017 6:31 pm
Local time: Sun Jan 17, 2021 6:39 pm
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Re: Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

Postby Jessica6 » Tue Nov 10, 2020 3:09 am

Nothing um, system related. Lest we turn this into an OT, general blog. Still kinda stuck, Sam was out today a little while, and it felt really good, carefree and happy with, well, life. That doesn't happen often.

Of course an hour later we were again bleah, but still it's nice when we get small respites.
OSDD-1b (perhaps):
Steph (m,50s)
Samantha (f,31)
Stefanie (f,16)
Sabrina (f,12)
Albert (m,14)
Allison (f, 20)
Charlie (m,5)
Aurora (f,70s?)
Nameless One (m,?)


The world needs more unicorns.
User avatar
Jessica6
Consumer 5
Consumer 5
 
Posts: 121
Joined: Wed Nov 15, 2017 6:31 pm
Local time: Sun Jan 17, 2021 6:39 pm
Blog: View Blog (2)

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