Our thread sorta kinda (jessica6 journey thread)

Thanks we appreciate it, Gang.

It's really SUPER hard for us. I mean I don't want to have to be out all the time- I thought I'd never say that but when you got to act all grownupy it's hard, ###$.

And Steph is worried that we've just taken pretend so far, that we're stuck doing it and we're going crazy.


And Samantha doesn't want to get stuck hosting.

Do you go from not knowing anything about it, to what did we read overt switching and then it's like it feels like everything triggers it? Or like the host goes inside and either won't or can't come out and the rest of us are like just left to deal with it?

But no, Hosty thinks that it's all wishful thinking- pretend. Not mean pretend, I mean it's not to mock or make fun of or insult anyone. Just that maybe our life has been so sucky that his brain just found something that it can do to make us feel like there's more to us than his life. Oh GOD he is so ######6 depressed, he's nothing but.

He thinks maybe cause he wished he was a girl forever. But he really doesn't I don't think. Heck I don't know.

But it's like, if this is pretend, then why don't it stop? He thinks maybe he has delusions or something.
I mean we got things like schizophrenia in extended family and we got great grandparents that had to be locked up in the looney bin and I mean literally the mental hospital. I mean it's like there's all this crazy on both sides and it all filters down to us. It's like it just concentrates in our genes. And so you know, he thinks why shouldn't he be crazy and begin to pretend something so good, that he can't tell the difference between pretending, and not pretending?

I'm speaking what he thinks, of course. He won't say it- he's embarrassed. I'll say it. I don't care.

Oh and just um, sometimes I'm Sabrina but I get a lot of Samantha in me at times. I think what we're going to do, is use the color and name of whoever we feel MOST like. I mean if we're OSDD then we're kinda mixxy anyway yeah? Cause we don't have as much differentiaation. differ enti ation.
Some words are hard, sorry. Anyway I'm feeling a bit Samantha-y, and I can tell it the way I write.


Heck sometimes we got to type or do something a few minutes before we can figure out which one of us we are- does that ever happen to you? It's like you THINK you're one of you, then suddenly you're like, oh heck no, this isn't Sabrina, it's Samantha! Or... something like that.

Anyway thank you. Samantha would say, thank you for being ever so kind! She's really grateful, and I guess I'm glad, too. And Steph just wants to hide and not ever be seen by anyone ever again here.
I'm glad he's letting us talk, though. It feels so good, you have no idea. It's like being shoved into the Harry Potter room under the stairs, what us talky alts been having to go thru, until NSR said we needed our own account. Snaga is really super hard on us. I promised I wouldn't call him names in forum.
But I can think them!

Wow I get to post- wonders never cease!

After we logged last night- we... sat in our bathroom for what must have been a good hour and a half. We prayed to God; we talked to each other. Sam fronted and did really all the praying, and talking. She told me- if I'm remembering this correctly- that she was going to attempt keeping herself, and the other Others, in today. She knows I've been seriously weirded out, and I just needed a break from all this switchiness we've been feeling.

And, I'd quite forgot her telling me that, until just a little while ago. Except for a couple hours today, I've... mostly felt myself- sure I've felt this or that influence, but for most of the day, I've been the official front, I think. I think... lol who knows? But I feel pretty 'normal' today.

And then I realized, that Sam had told us, last night, that she was going to try to do this for me. I sure do appreciate it! I'm feeling more relaxed, than I have in a while. Enough so, that I am okay with someone coming out, if they want to, before I call PF a day. Feeling quiet, internally, so maybe they're taking a rest from things, too.

It is... the level of forgetfullness, that I've been having, is thru the roof, even today. Deciding to split us between accounts, has been awfully confusing! I came in first, as an admin, to mod. I felt pretty good, and felt that I was going to stay reasonably me for a good while, so I caught up on my forums. But it's disconcerting to see a thread has been added to, then clicking on it, to only find it's YOU. Sometimes, literally me, posting AS Steph, via jessica6. But then still having, no immediate recollection of it.

I agreed to try this duality for a while, but if it gets overwhelming, I'll have to make a decision. And I doubt I can put my genies, back in the bottle. They've been so much happier, and relaxed, now that they have less constrained access to the forums. A lot of the reticence that I felt, personally, has likewise been greatly lessened- it was absolute hell, when they'd use 'Snaga'. I hated it, hated it. An admin needs to adhere to certain standards and I would constantly be on their case about their writing, and they'd feel as if they were in a prison. We're all so much happier, now. As long as they remember a few things, they're pretty free to post, and I don't have to read them (yet) if I don't want to, and I don't feel as if I have to sink into the ground from embarrassment.

Oh the whole, it's been a pretty good day.

Steph

We have added another one to the signature line. Stephanie.

That's just a name that keeps coming up and up. We're wondering if she's one of our self-harmers, we played around with thinking about burning, when we were thinking about this.

And we thought Blue. Blue blue blue, she's blue. So we put it in blue ink the shade that felt good.

I would have picked a prettier blue but that's just me.

I'm not sure who me even is. We hear it's okay to not always know who's fronting, and that sure is good because it really bugs us. But we're writing this in Samantha's ink since she is like generally the coordinator. We been Sabrina all morning, and we see we're writing kind of like her- well mostly. But writing it as Sabrina didn't feel right, and so we figured if it's something to do with system business, it ought to be as Samantha since for now she's the one we look to for getting things straightened out inside.

I suppose that's not entirely fair to her but it seemed like the thing to do.

It kind of bothers Steph mainly I think, that there seems to be a preponderance of girls. I think that's just cause we're more outspoken, but even if there are more, so what? I mean if wishes was fishes. It's going to be, what it's going to be, and wishing it was different don't really make much sense. Personally I like it. Whoever I am. Not really feeling like anyone in particular maybe that means we're mostly Stephanie right now. All I know all these S names are beginning to be a bit of a bore because sometimes we have to like scroll thru them to find the one that fits.

Suddenly we're feeling awful sleepy but we got lots to do, sure we're wasting time here, but we wanted to stop and write things down, while we were thinking of it. I think we're going to try something.



Going to switch to this color and see if it feels more honest. It's not as if there's a whole lot to say here. But we thought we'd give it a few moments, in case there is a distinct Stephanie and she wants to come out.

She's a lot more like Steph, than Sabrina or Samantha. I have a feeling she embodies the Russian word nichevo. That seems weird to us now, that we stop and think, but we're going to let that stay. Like maybe she's very apathetic- I won't go so far to say she is the apathetic one, as if it was all contained in one personality, but she's always sad I think.

Wow have you ever like been sleepy, and then you think the weirdest thing and have a feeling as if they're important? To what you were thinking about while you were sleepy? So we're sitting here and we're talking about... me, since we're using my color. And one of our kitties that really missed us got on me and is being a cuddlebunny, and we drifted off and dreamed for like just a moment of the sea floor- like a bay or something, and I was like a plain of large clear glass panes laying on the bottom of the ocean floor, not deep but shallow like a bay maybe 30 feet or so. And then the silt would cover us and we're hidden and covered up and it was sad, and then a boat comes along with a big vacuum hose and it sucked the silt off us again, and we were all clear and it felt so good and we were really thankful that someone came along and cleared us off, and we could be all clear again and reflect the water and the little bit of light that gets down to us, and it felt so nice to be clean.

Sorry that's a bit of a Sabrina mouthful, but sometimes our thoughts need to get out fast.

Anyway it seemed really profound. And that it's important to clean us off every so often.

It could be we got to clean some aquariums soon we're waiting for everything to come in to do it. But it really felt like it applied to us, however.

So I suppose I'm Stephanie. It would be easy to say that I'm merely a female analog to Steph, but that doesn't seem entirely true. It's also as if I'm only part here, as if I don't have much experience with fronting, so perhaps the other two outspoken girls are helping me. Is that a common thing with systems? We're still learning every day.

I can't say that I have an age, or that I really have much of an identity, except that of course, I'm a girl. Which is of course, the best way to be. Guys are always still half girls (x plus y) but girls get to be pure (xx) So maybe they're more fully human- and I don't know that means it's a good thing, because there are lots of things that guys are definitely more chill about.

Maybe an age will come to me, eventually. Or it could turn out that I'm really one or more or some kind of combination that we're putting a name to, because we feel obligated to put a name to it. But I half suspect that no, I'll remain a 'thing'. The more I write, it seems the more, that I feel 'normal'- but not Steph Normal. me Normal.

Well I guess that means, Hello, World! I'm not sure I've been 'me' to this degree before. I don't really recall it, but I'm getting little snippets of memory that mean absolutely nothing significant but it's like no I was there peeking out then.

I'm loving on V, the cat that is on my lap and wanting to press against me, and I just thought you know he's the one that most identifies with the corporate us. I feel as if he's the eccentric one (and for a cat, one standing out to be weirder than the others, is no small feat) and he's the misunderstood one, and the one who's a bit 'off' and maybe mistaken for a bit retarded even (I mean that in the literal sense). But maybe he's not mentally deficient, maybe it's just that he's misunderstood because he's the one that's got the like I don't know, I don't know you can anthropomorphize to the extent of applying the DSM to cats. But he is an odd one. And I'm odd, so that kind of makes us the eccentric ones of the household. Seriously I wonder how anyone would want to live with us, gosh we sure did hoodwink the body's s/o. There should be like a truth in advertising for people.

And if we ever weren't with anyone, it's like when we want to we can do this borderline thing of charming the freaking pants off people, but it's really not fair to them, and maybe we'd try not to do it, because it's just cruel to bait and switch yourself on someone. It's like they think they're getting a solid car when really we're just all bondo and new paint. and before you know it, all the rust is starting to show under the paint.

But by that time, it's too late, and you're stuck with them. That... is something we are very, very good at doing to others. They get stuck with us, and we're a Lemon.

it's not something we do maliciously. It's just what we are. We are like one of those pretty butterflies that are really poison if a bird tries to eat us. Look- but don't touch. Like a pretty fuzzy caterpillar, but that fuzz is really spines dripping with poison and you'll want to gnaw your hand off from the pain, if you're stupid enough to touch us. It's like the beautiful snake that bites the woman that takes him in, in the song, and she's like why?? and he's like well silly girl, I'm a SNAKE.

It's not being mean, it's just being unable to change our nature. Which unfortunately, means we leave a trail of destruction in our wake. Like a human tornado. I mean dumping us on an island with fish and coconuts and some citrus fruit would be good for society, we're not evil but everyone's better off without us around. Just let us live out our life and die alone and no one has to get hurt. We're happy(ish), they're happy, everyone's happy.

hello sabrina & samantha & steph & stephanie & everyone else!

we've been reading but dont have spoons to reply toomuch

wanted to say hi tho

*waves*

and we like the sound of your kitty V.
cats are great, especially the odd ones ^^

and were not just saying that cos we have a couple in our system ^^

Started out this session feeling Stephanieish but think we're really needing to be typing in this color.

Sometimes it's hard and you just feel like more than one part at once.

Yeah it took me a moment, but you're a catgirl, right? I think that's super cool! As far as I know we're all human and the idea of being something else don't make sense to us, but we know it's not like that for everybody, and you have to be what fits you the most. Otherwise you'll just be miserable.

I really appreciate you reading- well I mean we do. On account of we figure it all sounds boring and more than a little silly.

Gosh now that we started typing as Sabrina we feel oddly mature. Gosh I wish we could make our MIND up today- it's just jeeze just pick one.

So today's been real switchy. We haven't felt like the host at all today- maybe just a moment here and there. But it's mostly been this new Stephanie. We've gotten some stuff done, not much but at least it's something. We were really mad cause our partner had thrown a bunch of stuff out and we had to go thru it all and save what was worth saving. We know we're messy, so we stopped being mad. But funny thing is I found a letter that we wrote someone when the body was 13 and it was both funny, and it was funny how it reminded us of Sabrina. Even though it's supposed to have been a boy that wrote it. I guess we never been much of a boy. But so like we're reading it, and it was like just silly, but it reminded us of me. I guess some things don't change.

Anyway Sam had promised Steph that we'd stop being front so much, and yesterday it worked really well, until I came out in the evening to check PF. And from there it just hasn't ended. Our mood's been all over the place today, and it feels like there's been different ones of us out, but none of them really the host, or what's supposed to be the hose. I think it's because we fell asleep as me last night.

We're noticing that if we don't go to sleep as the host, we're not going to wake up as the host. In fact, we generally seem to wake up the same one that fell asleep, but I guess I'm just gussing that because I only know about myself. If I go to sleep, then I'm the one that wakes up, and good luck on the host having a day to themselves.

The time we were Charlie early in the morning, I don't know if we woke up that way. I think we did, but we didn't go to sleep that way- that we know of. That's not to say we didn't, but just weren't aware of it. That's when we were doing some caregiving, and I did not come out much all that time, it was mostly Samantha because she was much better in that role than any of us. And Charlie just come out because he got overwhelmed I think. Out isn't really his thing I don't think.

But anyway, I think the host is getting a little stressed out again. I know we been thinking a lot today what happens if we break down entirely and have to go into the hospital or something, and how disappointing that would be to our partner. We can't do that- that's not an option, even if sometimes it feels like it'd be good to just let go and stop fighting us for a while. No, it really isn't an option. The host will be real glad when we calm down and stop coming out so much. This has got to be a phase, surely. I mean does this go on forever with everyone here? Sure we're learning how to handle things but just the feeling of alienness we all sometimes feel it's just crazy you know? Man we just need things to go back to being quiet for a while, even if Steph is scared all the time and depressed. We've lived our whole lives trying to not attract attention, and if we switch all the time, or have a host change like if it's Sam or Stephanie that begin to front all the time I don't know we're gonna act weird and people are gonna be like what? and we'll be like what! and they'll be like you're acting weird! and I guess we'll just come back with well I AM weird so what's new? and maybe that'll shut them up but who knows you can't never tell. All I know it just can't be me that fronts all the time 'cause that has to be about the stupidest thing we could do. There's no way I could handle that like you do Viola. Gosh it must feel dreadful sometimes. Hugs and I hope you get to rest some and just get to be you.

Wow that was awfully fast!

I'm going to break my own rule (not to post in here) and post, because having to do a little modding, grounded me incredibly fast- that is the word, yes? Grounding? I was 'me' much faster than I thought possible... we almost didn't log in, because we didn't know if we could manage it.

I can't describe how good it feels to be 'me' for a little while.

I need to be 'me' more- the last few weeks have just been a mess. I know I have my issues, but I don't want my Others to become the raison d'être for being in PF- I can't spend all day blathering on about my silly issues and my maybe disassociation, that I'm only entertaining, for the sake of argument, until some better explanation comes along.

I'm highly suspicious of Stephanie- I mean, her mere existence- not attributing anything suspicious to her nature. I'm especially fascinated by the age that's been attached to her. I recall feeling it too, when it was decided. Every time an alt (or whatever they are) has had an age put to them, it's just a number pops up without much thought, that 'feels' right. It's like- how are are (they or we, depending on who's doing the thinking), and then a number wells up, like something coming up from underwater, to be seen on the surface. And then it instantly feels right. I can always tell when it's just a guess on my part, because then it feels patently fake. And I have to remind myself to step back, and just let it reveal itself. It's distressing enough that this may all be a fabrication, the last thing I want to do, is force anything. If it's a fabrication, let it naturally fabricate itself, without me pushing for a predetermined or desired outcome. If this is real, and it's meant to be, it'll show itself when the time is ready, without me shoving it in the back.

Even so, I find myself really intrigued by Stephanie. I catch a sense of her general mood, but it's not as if I can actually put words to it, yet. She is... a very thoughtful person, I think. Not an optimist, but not anxious like I get. Ah well, I'm sure we'll find out eventually. I'm not going to worry myself over it. I'm just glad to be in control for a while.

Jessica6 wrote:But anyway, I think the host is getting a little stressed out again. I know we been thinking a lot today what happens if we break down entirely and have to go into the hospital or something, and how disappointing that would be to our partner. We can't do that- that's not an option, even if sometimes it feels like it'd be good to just let go and stop fighting us for a while. No, it really isn't an option. The host will be real glad when we calm down and stop coming out so much. This has got to be a phase, surely. I mean does this go on forever with everyone here? Sure we're learning how to handle things but just the feeling of alienness we all sometimes feel it's just crazy you know?

I think it's a pretty common fear for those of us who look very functional on the outside that everything will fall apart and we'll end up in the hospital. And I think it's a bit of a wish, too, like you said, to just stop all the effort of looking so functional and just be able to fall apart.

I was very worried about that at first, but our T said that it was possible to work on healing without having everything fall apart.

Maybe it would help if you look at all the switching as relieving the pressure of keeping everything inside. Maybe the evening could be a time where you relax, and people who want to post can be in the front and do that.

It's definitely a phase to be learning all about each other, and getting to know each other, so in that sense things do calm down, but people taking turns fronting is something that will keep going, because that's part of cooperation and collaboration.

And it's definitely ok to not know who's fronting at any particular time. My T is very reassuring about that. We don't have to identify ourselves, or figure out who is feeling what. And even though we use different colors in our journal, if someone wants to say something, but they're hiding who they are, or we're just not sure, we'll write in black with quotes around it. That way the feeling gets expressed even though we don't know whose feeling it is.

So everything you're doing with accepting what's happening, and being curious but not digging for information--that's all good stuff!

Oh bless you for your reply, Gang! So very kind of you- while I'm not trying to jones for any kind of validation, the kindnesses shown by others in taking us at face value, is touching beyond words.

As far as who's speaking, that sounds like a very practical way of doing it, if you're unsure. For us, what feels 'right' for now, is that we are choosing the ink color of whomever we feel we are most matching. So, if it feels more like Sabrina, than anyone else, we'll use her color. If that doesn't feel right, well, we'll try another. Like I think I posted in here, then decided to try Stephanie's color out, and it seemed to work, in drawing her out more- I think I recall at the time, that it felt like it might be her, but we weren't sure, so we thought maybe the visual stimulus, of the color she had chosen, would bring her out, if it were her. And sure enough it seemed to.

That's an interesting suggestion- using the evening to give the others a chance to come out. What disturbs me, is that so far we've done that a time or two with Sabrina- leaving out that she tends to keep us up too late, I find that if she's fronting when we finally do retire for the night, and fall asleep, she's just as likely to be the one who dreams, then wakes up in the morning. And then it seems as if I just can't front much, at all. That happened Sunday night, and we spent most of Monday being very 'switchy' I think the term is. And it's not the first time it has happened.

I think I'm just going to have to get over my reluctance to be in the background, for long periods of time. I... can't quite say for sure, but it's as if there's this feeling in the back of our skull, that there might be a change in who hosts. I'm feeling as if Samantha is going to wind up as at the least, a co-fronter. If not the main itself- that revelation has been very disturbing to me, as up to now- well, still- I consider myself the 'real' me. The idea that I'm just another alt- which I understand I think from what I've read, is more technically the truth, anyway, in a system- is still very disturbing to me.

But also, I feel as if we might become more functional. I have more hangups than I can name, and maybe Samantha can at least take the edge off some of them. Trying to function has been increasingly difficult for us, and it's never been easy. My entire life, I've felt as if I was in my own world, disconnected from the reality that other people experience. Well, at least as far back as my memories go. The more I think about it, the more incredible I feel, that I've been able to live independently, at all.

It's a bit frightening. I mean, to think I might be so much more mentally ill, than I imagined. The sudden sensation of 'dang, I'm seriously broken!' is... daunting.
I have to wonder if it's an overactive imagination, or if I've just been really good at not realising, or hiding from myself, the extent of my dysfunction. Because on the surface, I can seem relatively normal, especially to strangers. People who know me, however, all agree that 'eccentric', or 'odd', are words that very much apply to me. I realise that intellectually, but it's something that on an emotional level, I'm completely blind to, since I have nothing to compare myself with- I've never known what it is to be 'normal', I suppose. All I know, is that my partner and closest friends, consider me to be strange, to put it charitably, and I have gotten the impression, that they hold back on just how odd, they view me as- to spare my feelings, I'm sure.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:It's definitely a phase to be learning all about each other, and getting to know each other, so in that sense things do calm down, but people taking turns fronting is something that will keep going, because that's part of cooperation and collaboration.

Yes, I've read that before. That's something that I'm going to have to hammer into my head- just as I've had to hammer some things into The Girls' heads, such as how I expect them to behave socially. Well, I'm going to have to bang some things into MY thick skull. And one of those, is that I'd better get a lot more chill about Not Fronting, because I've heard there's no going back from it, once these things start to reveal themselves. If it's something that is going to happen, like it, or not- then I'd best get to liking it. No point in being scared of it, I'm going to have to practice what I preach to people here on PF- have a little faith in myself- in this case, in my system. And even in the belief in a system, something I still struggle with.

thank you ever so much, again! It's really a help to me- even if I forget it in five minutes and have to read it a few times, before it really sinks in Not only do I have my usual forgetfulness, but trying to juggle my PF between this 'ordinary' account, and my mod duties has got me continually 'rediscovering' things I feel present for, when I write them, but then have totally forgotten I've responded at all, the next time I check a thread. If it keeps up, I'll have to think about demodding- I can't go back to not having this account, for the girls to speak freely. But if I can't learn to keep up, I'm going to tear my hair out, or go nuts (more nuts, I reckon), trying to keep up with myself.

Jessica6 wrote:It's a bit frightening. I mean, to think I might be so much more mentally ill, than I imagined. The sudden sensation of 'dang, I'm seriously broken!' is... daunting.

Do you think of us and others on the DID forum that way? "So much more mentally ill," and "seriously broken?"

I'm not asking that because I'm offended (well, someone in here might be, a little bit, but we know you didn't mean it that way), but to point out that you might be less kind in how you think about yourself(ves) than you are toward other people.

And it really has to do with one's perspective. This is a good article on why you're NOT broken:

https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/blog ... notshatter

Also, DID is not a mental illness with an incurable biological basis, like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. It's basically a very well developed coping skill that enabled you to survive severe childhood trauma.

And yes, thinking of oneself as an alter takes some getting used to. I think it's harder for those of us who spent decades thinking we were singletons and that our life was what it appeared to be on the surface.

hey Sabrina!

yeah ima 17yo catgirl ^^

theres another catgirl in our system but she wont front and we also got an actual cat in here but he dosent front either.

and teg's a foxgirl ^^ everone else is human tho afaik

like you said, being who i am & being me is imporant. even if nobody else can see my ears & tail i know they're there & i live like they're there on our body. it makes me happy & helps me cope to just be me & be genuine.

our closest friends know about us & know some of us & know i'm catgirl. last time i visited one she even gave me catnip it was awesome!! ^^

but we know stometimes its more important not ot be too obviously 'different' & stuff & its not for everyone.

still tho i relaly think its important to be genuine & be yourselves, as much as you can as long as its safe


and steph we get what Gang says about the comments feeling broken & feeling mentally ill. like we totally feel the same as what you said sometimes. especially recently stuf's got so much harder for us, its hard not to feel broken & messed up & stuff

one of our friends keeps telling us, we shouldn't takl to ourselves in ways we wouldnt talk to another friend? and we're bad at that alot, like individually and to each other in our system.

i forgot what my point was sorry. uh, its ok to feel broken but be nice to yourself & yourselves?

viola