Hi,
I suppose I'm mainly looking for understanding. I find it very difficult to trust my experiences, I always feel like i'm making more of something or it didn't really happen like that.
I spend a lot of my time fairly dissociated, seems to have been this way since childhood. It's a bit crap and I'm at the point where I'm completely exhausted but I understand this aspect of myself and am working on it.
Where I'm confused is with the more intense experiences of dissociation. Few examples are.
- when attending mindfulness course I had a feeling of "coming out of myself" and being brutally violent to myself. I have a history of self harm but compulsions have rarely been so violent and separate from myself.
- during a counselling sessions I usually feel very outside of myself and hardly notice my counsellor. In one session I did take note of her and acknowledged her empathy. This resulted in my perception moving from outside of me and high up to very deep with in me. It was cruel and mocking and making out like I was acting and none of the things I was saying were real.
- I became inexplicably triggered by a minor event, the emotion was overwhelming. I had a feeling of letting go but higher me battled to control it like if I gave in to the feeling and connected with it it would be too big to handle (not the easiest to explain that one).
I now swing between thinking these things aren't that important and I'm trying to create something that is more than it was and feeling that I desperately want to get in touch with this part of me (despite it being a total dick!) and that it knows something that I don't. I suppose my question is, are these episodes always indicative of trauma and possible repressed memories? I am under the mental health team but not finding my worker particularly knowledgeable or helpful, I also worry that if I talk about what triggered me then they will make more of it than I understand or can cope with.
thank you if you've read this far!