Do I make sense?

Hi,
I suppose I'm mainly looking for understanding. I find it very difficult to trust my experiences, I always feel like i'm making more of something or it didn't really happen like that.

I spend a lot of my time fairly dissociated, seems to have been this way since childhood. It's a bit crap and I'm at the point where I'm completely exhausted but I understand this aspect of myself and am working on it.

Where I'm confused is with the more intense experiences of dissociation. Few examples are.
- when attending mindfulness course I had a feeling of "coming out of myself" and being brutally violent to myself. I have a history of self harm but compulsions have rarely been so violent and separate from myself.
- during a counselling sessions I usually feel very outside of myself and hardly notice my counsellor. In one session I did take note of her and acknowledged her empathy. This resulted in my perception moving from outside of me and high up to very deep with in me. It was cruel and mocking and making out like I was acting and none of the things I was saying were real.
- I became inexplicably triggered by a minor event, the emotion was overwhelming. I had a feeling of letting go but higher me battled to control it like if I gave in to the feeling and connected with it it would be too big to handle (not the easiest to explain that one).

I now swing between thinking these things aren't that important and I'm trying to create something that is more than it was and feeling that I desperately want to get in touch with this part of me (despite it being a total dick!) and that it knows something that I don't. I suppose my question is, are these episodes always indicative of trauma and possible repressed memories? I am under the mental health team but not finding my worker particularly knowledgeable or helpful, I also worry that if I talk about what triggered me then they will make more of it than I understand or can cope with.

thank you if you've read this far!

Can you find someone to work with who is knowledgable about dissociative disorders? Also, the DID forum is very active--you can read on there and see if there are experiences that you can relate to. Wanting to get in touch with other parts of you is valuable whether or not they're dissociated, it's just trickier if they are and it helps to have an experienced therapist.

Oh my goodness, you said almost exactly what I could've said (but you said it much more concisely!). I'm so sorry for you to have to experience that. Yes, I totally believe you. First, if you don't have memories, it's protective. Don't be hard on yourself about not knowing or understanding; and trust that your memories will only come as much as you can handle. It's weird but the brain does protect. That's not to say therapy isn't hard but a good therapist will help you safely.

What you describe about having a sense of a memory after being triggered and fighting it-yes! I will literally say "no no no" and shake my head fighting it. As much as I consciously want to remember, it is *dang tough* to really face those memories. I also have gotten really close to touching the ferocious anger I must have in me. It was triggered one day and I saw an image of an enormous and bulging wall holding back water like Moses parting the sea but it was behind a rubber wall. I was mentally poking at it and cringing and poking and cringing and I knew that if I poked a hole in that wall of anger it would be as devastating as Moses letting the seas fall. I have a "her" who holds my memories. I know who she is, and she comes out when I'm talking about something in therapy and, even though I don't understand the significance, she starts crying with such intensity I can't even breath.

So yes, I do understand what you're talking about and your not crazy but here's the thing- You. Can't. Push. It. It's not safe for you (but I do it anyway, sometimes, so I get it). I read somewhere that pushing in therapy is a way of making progress except when you have DD-until you're ready. Some things I've been working on so that I'm ready:
1) Create a safe place in your home. For me, it's a small space in the very back of my closet under the hanging clothes. Yes they fall on top of my head but that makes the space even smaller. I put in a big pillow, a soft blanket to huddle under, a teddy bear to hug, and a journal for writing if things come up. (Have a mental image/place as a backup if you are not at home)
2) Develop mental conversations for you and your other. For me, I know she needs to feel safe and I've told her this, that she's ok, that I have her back; I've journaled it, I say it in my head when she's "out". My SO recently asked how he can help her and I shared this with him. She needs him to tell her she's safe and that he will protect her.
3) A trick an old therapist helped me with-when I have nightmares or daymares and it's too much, change the outcome. If it's a dream and something scary is in front of me, change it into a teddy bear or change the storyline that I beat it up and win. Mental tapes to change the scenario from victim to survivor and victor.

My heart goes out to you. You sound like a younger me. I was just talking to my therapist about this yesterday. I'd found all my therapists when I was younger by complaining about depression but I had had not a clue why I was feeling depressed and she re-framed by saying I'd been innocent. Set up your safety measures and find a therapist who specializes in trauma (my therapist is retiring and that's what she recommended and I was like "oh, WOW, that makes such sense!"). The reasons for the trauma are not what's important; having someone who understands how to help you heal safely is what is most important. Hugs!