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I am co-host, maybe? I suppose..

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I am co-host, maybe? I suppose..

Postby IamC » Wed Aug 14, 2019 12:03 am

Hello, guys!

I am chaosed, the co-host of our very otherwise unexplored system, I suppose, since we just found out about DID about a week ago.
It is still very confusing but frankly I was more than welcome to accept it as Ileana, the "possessor of the body" I suppose has been trying to repress all my urges for almost 4 years now. So she is the principal one, I suppose, since she was able to repress me for so long.
I think it's weird in a sense that I still feel like I am Ileana, but I feel more powerful, collected and cooler lol. And manly. And she is so girly and dandy and likes smoked salmon bruschetta and such.

I always felt like I was her, but with different taste in music, clothes, and I felt manly most of the time. But I felt very different from her, and she feels very different from me. I always knew that I am very different from her but we both liked it.

For example we are dyslexic, and she finds it funny I guess (I also have a hard time guessing her emotions), and I really struggle with it. But she did not have to struggle with paperwork in college so she's the one to talk...

She always accepted me as part of her, and embraced me and thought of me as a "grayed out" version of her, grayed out by a serious of unfortunate events (no pun intended). I would take charge of challenges at home, at school, in fights, and she would take charge of everything else esentially lol.

The "problems" started when she realized that she can not remember half of the things she would text over with her boyfriend in fights. I don't really like what he did a lot of the times. And I would take control and fight with him over what I thought was right and fair. The next day she would wake up and re-read the texts and not remember what she said and moreover, realising that what those texts were saying was not even true. Then she would get very scared about what she said (well I would actually text like 20 texts at a time to get my point across lol) and be scared of losing him, apologize profusely and try next time to repress my urges with more ardor.

We were both wrong, and it all stemmed from the fact that we did not realize we are two separate parts with different memory compartments. Her boyfriend was unfair, but I, when I took control, did not have immediate access to memories of good and sweet things he did, so I was unfairly judging him, indeed. And she was wrong in getting so worked up about a dozen hateful texts sent to her boyfriend where she could barley remember what he wrote to him, and then getting very apologetic for something she did not do. But I suppose we all have to take responsibility as a system for our actions.

Anyways, she has been trying to shut me out for some years now, and it was really painful for both of us. I would still get out in crisises, but when I would get worked up about something she would really put in the effort to think about why the situation is not as bad as I see it, in order to calm me down and keep the relationship with other people okay I suppose, even those neither of us plan to talk to anymore and I see no reason to part with on civilized ground. It would have been SO helpful to me to know that I do not have immediate access to information (I can get a lot of it if I work out my mind a little), and I do not necessary have all the pieces of the puzzle to bring hell upon whoever wronged us lol.

I have been out sometimes these years, but then she would remember how she could not remember those texts she wrote, and how I am so different from her in all aspects including gender and how I was mean to her boyfriend a lot - upsie - I like him too, he's nice. and she would get scared and try to shut me down, and think about all manner of thinks until she would "get back" (which now we know is dissociation - interesting)

We share the memory, or at least most part of it. I always thought that, if I were to have had a traumatic experience in childhood, I would have remembered it. But today I found out that this is not the case. Which got me really scared, because I feel that something wrong happened in there, something that affected both me and my brother, something I am not yet ready to face. But I went to therapy for GAD in the past, and I can't wait to collaborate with my therapist again on this issue. :D

Anyways I feel a little bit dissociative, so I will leave you. It was so nice talking to you guys as even when journaling - we journal often - when I tried to take control and write something (to get it off my mind), which she did not identify with, she would then spend several minutes trying to understand why she thought about writing that, or why she would think that (because it was a statement she did not identify with).

Also she wants to be vegan and thinks all animals are souls and they do not need to suffer and I agree, killing animals for food is not pretty. But I like steak and sausages and she gave up meat and I really truly miss it. That's a pickle.

I suppose we would get to an agreement at some point, as we started to agree on some topics. I tuned out my edge a little bit (I was also out a lot less a couple of times, and I had a LOT of arguments with her, which seems so strange if I think about it lol), and she became a little more edgy.. So, it's good.

I would also really like to find a cooler name for me, but I can't think of anything

Until next time,

- C
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Re: I am co-host, maybe? I suppose..

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:56 pm

Hi chaosed,

You may want to post on the DID forum. It's very active and these other ones are not. Anyone who is OSDD/DID or not officially diagnosed but wondering if they have it---all are welcome.

the Gang
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