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DDNOS, DID, BPD, or..? Intrusive thoughts or Alters?

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DDNOS, DID, BPD, or..? Intrusive thoughts or Alters?

Postby Aderis114 » Sun Nov 11, 2018 7:41 am

Okay so I've talked on this website before to discuss my old really horrible codependency issues to which got me into three very toxic very codependent friendships to which I wasn't comfortable if someone wasn't dependent on me, severe depression, and odd behavior that had me repeating phrases over and over in a breakdown. I primarily go on this website where I need other people who are experienced in the disorder / mentally ill discussion and experiences to help me figure out what exactly is and isn't normal or what to do with situations no one around me really has. If you want small details on those stuff, you can probably check on my profile easily since I haven't posted much on this website.

Anyways, for some background on me, I have had a considerably rough childhood that I only recently genuinely have come to accept was considerably traumatic. Between ages 0-12 my dad was heavily violent and there was a lot of domestic abuse in my house. To add to that my family has been pretty much void of emotional support and care to the point my therapist tried for 30 minutes to get my dad to compliment me and he gave up. They are good at taking care of physical needs and money and my mom tries to be good abotu support, but in the end she ends up getting really emotionally abusive towards any negative emotion. In elementary school I moved around a lot, got lightly bullied in a way I didnt realize was bullying until I was much much much older, and pretty much had to make new friends every year due to them leaving. I had a really #######5 first super codependent friendship that majorly screwed me up for three years after I ended it, then a really controlling and honestly kind of crazy one after that, and a relationship to which I was pressured to send nudes and watch porn that I wasn't comfortable with that also became codependent.

With that in mind dissociation has been a constant in my life. I don't particularly remember when I didn't do it and I didn't really notice it wasn't normal until I was older. Being able to cut off emotions, feeling like the world is just a game, vague memory loss, and random moments of being extremely cut off from the world like they were miles away from me was just normal. According to my oldest sister (who was the closest thing to a mom to me other than my bird when I was younger) said Id have some crazy mental snaps when my dad went on his rampages when I was like 3-5 to which I would threaten to kill him if he hurt the birds or to kill myself or somethign similar. I have no memory of that (or really anything of that entire time period) so I don't know if thats the truth cause my family says she lies about things, but they also say I lie when I say things that I know have factually happened to me and what my dad has done and I dont see there to be any real reason for her to lie.

After that however I didn't really have anything that could be considered alter switches or anything similar to my memory until after my first codependent friendship. I was extremely out of touch of my emotions and even when I spent all recess crying in the bathroom, I was completely unaware of the fact I was stressed. I actively denied it when anyone brought it up and completely believed it too. I would like to point out that like... none of my memories that I do remember have any emotion tied to them and they are often if not only in third person.

My first codependent friendship kind of brought the concept of things and people being in your head and talking to you and it wasn't shortly after she brought it back up that I really started hearing internal voices and talking to different people in my head on a regular basis to which put a good deal of influence into what I did back when I was a kid and completely lost. Sometimes theyd argue and it would kind of hurt with how cluttered my brain got, but usually they'd suggest and debate what would be the best way to go about situations. At first there were like nine but then one kind of figured my codependent friendship was greatly worsening my mental health and thus after helping me cut her off, kind of helped me work to not listening to them and I havent had such a heavy discussion with them outside of major breakdowns?

And then when I was trying to recover I found myself dissociating a lot and among it I would occasionally claim to be Aderis (thats not actually my name but rather one of the prime voices) but I think that was partially intentional or not just so I could be anyone but myself since I was suffering so much and it was easier to just let myself be her than to be myself and it allowed me to escape my pain so to say. And in said states Id often get really sadistic and vindictive to anythign that she perceived to be a threat, which much to my boyfriends suffering, often was him since I was terrified of affection, love, and any form of vulnerability.

Lately most of it has recovered due to extensive therapy and extensive support from my boyfriend who was incredibly understanding, but lately it came to notice within my new therapist that I might have BPD and it actually made my mind go mad a bit kind of sending me through a whirlwind back to the past for a week or so. ((BPD actually was somethign I honestly didnt want put on me for a while since all three of my codependent friends had it and it honestly took me a while to get over the irrational panic of my primative self))

Essentially so much noise filled my head, what with really bad old suggestions that I didn't like such as "maybe if we just stabbed someone and let ourselves go insane we'd feel better" and whining of stuff like "No one should be around me. Im a monster" just clogging my mind. Personally I didn't actually have it associate or illicit direct emotion within myself unless I listened to it too much and my question is if those would be considered voices of alters or are they just BPD-related intrusive thoughts?

Also I find that occasionally when in a really bad period of time I am usually pretty fine until I call my boyfriend (who is an angel and a safe place for me) and suddenly - likely because I no longer feel like Im in a dangerous environment ((I recently moved to college and my PTSD kinda just makes me feel unsafe everywhere)) - I suddenly get super depressed and super lonely and all the emotions hit like a truck and everything just seems to switch entirely from "Wow everythings fine" to "Im going to die if I have to live like this one more day. I need to destroy something I need control". And then like... less than 10 minutes of that, as soon as I got a distraction or someone came up Id be 100% back to "Wow everythings fine" so I was also wondering if that is closer to BPD or a dissociative switch of sorts?

I have been really out of touch of what used to be kind of concerning to be potential alters as of late because I just kinda felt crazy thinking about it and discussing it or like some cringey person who wanted alters to be cool or something.

For additional information, Ive been diagnosed with GAD, Trichotillomania, PTSD with dissociation and potentially considering BPD, OCPD, and OCD.

For additional information on old 'kinda-alters', there were three core ones: Aderis (protector; cared primarily for short term mental health and pretty much hated anythign that threatened it. Very protective, very vindictive, very sadistic, very aggressive to anything that isn't me and my safety), Lucille (he was a moderator of sorts, very stoic but still capable of understanding and looking at emotions in a situation, very wise. He was the one that suggested to stop talking to the codependent friend and distance from talking to people in my head as much.) and "Anna" who was pretty much what I just call "the traumatized child" who is pretty much as one would imagine such.

Anyways, if someone could help me figure out exactly whats what I would appreciate it.
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Re: DDNOS, DID, BPD, or..? Intrusive thoughts or Alters?

Postby NyxX » Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:15 am

Is the T you have familiar with dissociative disorders like DID? Do they even believe they exist? This is important to consider if you think a DID diagnosis could have been missed. The ISSTD can help you find a T if the one you have at the moment isn't the right one. The T you currently have at the very least should be familiar with trauma and dissociation because they will impact your threapy.

http://www.isst-d.org/default.asp?contentID=18

I can't really say if it's DID or not but some of what you describe is familiar but that could just be because you have alot and f dissociation. If it is DID the maybe alters will still be around somewhere inside you so try to talk to them or write to them and see what happens.

The potential switching when you were very young wouldn't be DID really maybe it could become but wouldn't be at that stage. The current research and thinking about DID says that everyone starts in parts as infants and young children and that over time those parts coalesce and form a single identity. This process should be complete between the ages of 7-9. If a child experience trauma sufficient to cause server dissociation before that then walls are effectively created that prevent the parts growing together and they instead grow apart creating multiple Identities.

You might not get many responses on this section of the forum its not used very much. The DID section is used much more.
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Re: DDNOS, DID, BPD, or..? Intrusive thoughts or Alters?

Postby Aderis114 » Mon Nov 12, 2018 1:26 am

Should I repost this there?
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Re: DDNOS, DID, BPD, or..? Intrusive thoughts or Alters?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Mon Nov 12, 2018 3:57 am

NyxX wrote:The potential switching when you were very young wouldn't be DID really maybe it could become but wouldn't be at that stage.


I think it would be considered DID. The research I've looked at suggests that a single identity is starting to come together at age 2, so if that's been disrupted by emotional neglect and exposure to violence, a 3-5 yo child can certainly already have distinct parts and be switching among them.

Aderis114 wrote:I have had a considerably rough childhood that I only recently genuinely have come to accept was considerably traumatic. Between ages 0-12 my dad was heavily violent and there was a lot of domestic abuse in my house. To add to that my family has been pretty much void of emotional support and care...

...With that in mind dissociation has been a constant in my life. I don't particularly remember when I didn't do it and I didn't really notice it wasn't normal until I was older. Being able to cut off emotions, feeling like the world is just a game, vague memory loss, and random moments of being extremely cut off from the world like they were miles away from me was just normal...

...I really started hearing internal voices and talking to different people in my head on a regular basis to which put a good deal of influence into what I did back when I was a kid and completely lost. Sometimes theyd argue and it would kind of hurt with how cluttered my brain got, but usually they'd suggest and debate what would be the best way to go about situations...

...my question is if those would be considered voices of alters or are they just BPD-related intrusive thoughts?

...there were three core ones: Aderis (protector; cared primarily for short term mental health and pretty much hated anythign that threatened it. Very protective, very vindictive, very sadistic, very aggressive to anything that isn't me and my safety), Lucille (he was a moderator of sorts, very stoic but still capable of understanding and looking at emotions in a situation, very wise. He was the one that suggested to stop talking to the codependent friend and distance from talking to people in my head as much.) and "Anna" who was pretty much what I just call "the traumatized child" who is pretty much as one would imagine such.


This is very suggestive of DID, which is very often misdiagnosed as BPD by therapists who don't have much training in dissociative disorders. Whether it would technically be OSDD1b or DID depends on how much amnesia you have, but the treatment would be the same, so many experts don't think the distinction is very important.

You can spend time reading posts on the DID forum and see what resonates with you.
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