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Wondering if I have DDNOS

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Wondering if I have DDNOS

Postby whoami26 » Sat Aug 25, 2018 2:21 am

Hi all!

First time posting here so I'm a little nervous. But I'm trying to figure out what's going on with me. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and OCD. Recently after being overwhelmed for months I had I guess what you could call some sort of episode. After talking about it with my therapist, she thinks I may have depersonalization/derealization disorder. I think that kind of fits, but not exactly. I've also looked into complex PTSD and a lot of those symptoms fit, but not exactly either.

When this episode happened, I got incredibly anxious and overwhelmed, and then I dissociated and it felt like another person (someone evil, who seems to get joy out of causing me harm) took over for the most part. It was me, but definitely not me if that makes any sense. I remember smirking at times in ways I normally wouldn't, I felt more confident and a lot less anxious than usual, and even the way I would text was different. And I was just plain mean. So unlike how I normally am. And I felt myself there in the background and I remember some but not all of what happened.

Smaller episodes like this have happened in the past but i never thought much of it. Through therapy I'm learning how my childhood had a lot of little traumas (from a mentally ill parent mainly, but I think also from traumatic medical appointments) and seeing how emotionally numb I am now, I don't think I've dealt with much of it at all.

I'm also so confused about who I am as a person. I really don't know what to say if someone asks me who I am.

Anyways, I was just wondering if anyone has any thoughts or advice on this. It would be greatly appreciated!
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Re: Wondering if I have DDNOS

Postby Snaga » Sat Aug 25, 2018 4:05 pm

I can relate. I sometimes wonder about being OSDD-1b, if my memory serves... DDNOS having been changed to OSDD in the current incarnation of the DSM, again if memory serves. The DSM may change, but the forums are pretty much written in stone, so DDNOS it remains.

My childhood, as far as I can remember, is full of what you most aptly named 'little traumas', I don't recall one single huge life event, but lots of lesser ones. Also I'm depressed/anxious/OCD as you are. My OCD might even have come from one of those little traumas, I suspect I have PANDAS/PANS as a result of an early childhood mystery infection- the 'trauma' being feverish to the point of delerium, and being placed in an ice bath- quite literally... to bring it down. Strep and some other things can trigger an autoimmune response in the part of the brain responsible for OCD style behaviour. So there's my life story, ha.

I have some maybe-alts that aren't full blown alts in the DID sense- they have names, opinions, behaviours, etc. But I don't get a lot of perceived amnesia. Perceived being the relevant description... since I might not remember having amnesia, right? :) Like you, it began when under a lot of stress (typically work) I'd disassociate and feel as if 'I' were merely observing while my body did what is required by work, under autopilot. I'm a self-harmer (in remission atm) and have self-harmed while a part of me looked on rather dispassionately, even amused a little, and fascinated at my actions and reactions.

My alts vary in personality- 'mean' doesn't seem to be there, to a great degree, but definitely can act out and do things that I regret. And some we don't allow to front if we can possibly help it. I'm always 'present' enough to usually remember details, but sometime I don't remember the actual details, just generalities. Like if my main alt PMs someone here, I'll know it was done, and if I think enough about it, I can recall what she said, but I don't remember in the same sense as if I'd myself written the other person.

I can definitely relate to the sensation of it being you but not you, at the same time. As I'm sure you've read, DDNOS or the modern equivalent can have alts but not as fully separated as the personalities are in full blown DID.

I'm like you about sense of self- in some ways I'm very well defined, as far as opinions go. But it seems in some ways, the deeper I go, the less I can describe myself accurately. I'm a mess of different genders/sexual orientations/core beliefs.
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Re: Wondering if I have DDNOS

Postby whoami26 » Thu Aug 30, 2018 5:46 pm

Thank you so much for responding! There have actually berlen even more things happening since this happened. This part of myself seemed to come out a couple more times, particularly taking over if I get extremely overwhelmed. I also feel like some barrier has been brought down too. I can feel other parts like I'm pretty sure there's a child too. Like earlier today I was going to draw and I could hear this part say "Can I color too?" I notice other parts around or having some sort of influence when certain songs are on too. I feel like I'm finally finding myself, but I'm also doubting everything along the way.
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Re: Wondering if I have DDNOS

Postby NyxX » Fri Aug 31, 2018 12:09 pm

Hi welcome to the forum. There isn't much practical difference between DID, DDNOS and OSDD so most people use the dissociative identity section of the forum. I think if you don't already have a good T you should look for one who is experienced and or knowledgeable about dissociative disorders because having someone who understands and can help you work through things can make a big difference.
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