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Dual Consciousness

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Dual Consciousness

Postby yungpicasso » Mon Feb 19, 2018 1:33 pm

So, I never really know what to say, or where this is going to go :(

I feel so lost torn between two existences inside me. One is selfish, makes me happy, makes me feel secure. The other loves people, is kind, giving, patient.
Then there's me, waiting for the voice in my head that gives me directions next.

It's heartbreaking to make decisions because I morn the lost of the future of the other consciousness inside me for whatever decision I make. I've never been able to put it into words, what it feels like to want opposing things so passionately.
The more I disobey the selfish needs, the more I end up feeling broken confused and angry. I find myself carrying on arguments when I snap back into it mid screaming, I find myself acting knowing I'm "no longer feeling that way" but people would never understand.
Disassociation only works when you're alone and in danger, I am so out of control of my life right now due to so many reasons and no one will ever understand the internal conflict and torment I go through on a daily basis. It's like vomitting because you don't like the taste of alcohol then drinking a bottle of Vodka because "now you feel like it"
My moods carry needs, aspirations,fears, resentment..
How did I go from missing school for years to heading to a prestigious university?
How did I go from dark long hair to light short hair in no time?
How do I come out loving pink one day then burping and acting like a guy the next?
How can I feel so much love then so much hate towards the same person within no time?
How can my aspirations go from superstar fame girl to quiet leave me alone work at home mum?
How can I want a precious baby but be disgusted at the thought of something calling me mum?
How can I go through so many ideologies and thought processes in one day?
And you might say well, we all like different things here and there. No. It's not the same, my voice changes, my persona, my likes, dislikes, the way I walk, the people I love changes.
Lets talk about the elephant in the room,
Why God do I have to suffer? I couldn't imagine feeling like one person, one complete person.
The truth is, I always knew it was kinda there, but I also knew no-one would understand, they would call me bipolar call them mood swings. They're not mood swings, mood swings do not change your ideologies about everything.

I hope that one day I can be whole, I'm just afraid of who that person might be and she might cause the death of me.
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Re: Dual Consciousness

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Tue Feb 20, 2018 6:33 pm

yungpicasso wrote:I hope that one day I can be whole, I'm just afraid of who that person might be and she might cause the death of me.

When I started therapy last June, with an expert in dissociative disorders, I was also afraid that getting treatment for this meant that some of us would have to "go away." But that's not true. You can all (or both, if there are really only two) learn to cooperate and compromise so that you all get your needs met. If you are fighting inside all the time, then there is never harmony and security. If, when you are all working together internally and getting along, becoming "whole" (whatever that means) is an important goal for all of you, then you can work toward that, but it won't mean the death of anyone. You are all important and necessary parts of the system. At least that's what I've learned over the past 7-8 months.
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Re: Dual Consciousness

Postby TALLBROTHER » Mon Feb 10, 2020 1:57 am

You are not alone for sure. I don't have time to say evyting I want about this. I'll come back....hopefully
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