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Need help and insight into what I have?

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Need help and insight into what I have?

Postby Valar Morghulis » Sun Jul 12, 2015 9:23 pm

I'm a 26 year old male. I have spoken to psychologists and therapists a few times within the past year due to an offence I committed (which is unrellevant for this topic). During those discussions the topic of Dissociative Amnesia has been raised but largely left alone which is why I'm here looking for some insight and guidance.

I will explain some points about me that I feel is relevant.

At 18 months old I had a traumatic experience which has affected me immensely through to about 10 years of age. But during that time the traumatic experience had taken its toll on me and has greatly affected me mentally all my life. The incident is that I fell over at 18 months and smashed and knocked out nearly all of my baby teeth. This then affected how I spoke, I basically couldn't, nobody could understand me and I couldn't communicate with anybody at all. I became an angry child due to this, I must have eventually decided that it was worthless trying to speak because I became very quiet and did not speak where I did not have to. I was bullied incessantly. I have always been a very quiet child, and I am now still a very quiet adult, even though I can speak normally now (although I am very aware of how I speak, I pay close attention to it, and I must think before I speak - its something I've just learnt to do).

I have suffered with depression and anxiety all of my life. (Primarily Social Anxiety).
I'm an introvert.

My memory is terrible, to the point of non existent, but it varies at different ages/parts of my life.

0-12yo - I have no memories apart from maybe 4, one happy memory, another when I seen a speech therapist at junior school. Other 2 were when I had gotten into fights.

12-18yo - I remember very very little, but when somebody tells me something I do sometimes remember, but most of the time I'm just like "Oh really? When did I do/say that?".

18-21yo - During this time I was at University and for the majority of it I do not remember. Like I can not sit here and reminisce, because I can not recall memories on my own very well unless something triggers a memory.

22-24yo - At 22 I was arrested and was on police bail for over 2 and a half years for 32 charges, potentially looking at 10 years in prison. I was convicted of 2 charges that I pleaded guilty to and was sentenced to 3 years. But during this period, I was greatly depressed and didn't even tell family or friends that I was arrested, or that I was on bail until the weekend before my trial. I used various escapism techniques to escape my real life, I mostly did this by online gaming. I remember almost nothing during this time.

Everyday of my life my memory is terrible. Short term its fine... But longer the memories are, the less I seem to remember. If I remember something, its usually facts, like I went here, I did this, etc. I struggle with any details of the memory. I also very rarely remember images, I can for example sit here and remember something me and an ex gf did at 18, but I couldn't give any details about anything, like how the day was, what her facial expressions were, what we were wearing, etc.

I have walked past shops and noticed my reflection in the windows and I have not immediately recognised that it was me. It felt like that it wasn't me. It didn't entirely look like me. I'd question my own reflection. This admittedly has not happened for a while now.


I feel detached from my emotions. This is not always the case, this was primarily an issue from 13-25. I've also felt detached from reality/the world. Recently this has gotten much better, I have had help, medication, etc, this is much better now. I never was open to anybody about thoughts and feelings, friends or family. I'd either lie if I was asked questions which I became very good at or I'd just say anything to get out of situation and for them to drop the subject. This I feel is related to feeling detached from other people/reality.

I have also wondered who I am sometimes? This is hard to explain. I know who I am, namewise etc, but anything 'deeper' I just pull a blank. I've felt like I don't know who I 'truly' am.

At 13-16 I self harmed and thought of suicide daily, up until my young sister walked into my bedroom at 16 and seen cuts whilst I was asleep and told my parents, at which point I stopped self harming completely, and I have not self harmed since. I cut, burnt, branded, my arms, stomach and legs.

I have been offered an 18 month long, one to one Schema Therapy sessions. This was mainly to target my social anxiety and other 'defects' that I have built up due to my traumatic incident. I wonder if this will be any good for Dissociative Amnesia or memory? Anybody had it for that, or has it helped that?

How does this sound? Does it seem that I have DA? Any insight is greatly appreciated.

I don't know if everything that I've said is relevant, so I apologise in advance. I have tried to keep this as short as possible.
It is sometimes a mistake to climb; it is always a mistake never even to make the attempt. If you do not climb you will not fall. This is true. But is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall?

Your thoughts do not define who you are, but your actions do.
Valar Morghulis
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Re: Need help and insight into what I have?

Postby ShawTrav » Mon Jul 13, 2015 3:37 pm

It's hard to say really. It does sound similar in some parts of your post, the memory loss from exact details, the not recognizing yourself in the reflective windows, and not knowing who exactly you are.

Do you ever feel like you are in a daze, or a fog? Like everything around you isn't even 100% clear? If so then it could be dissociation. Just do lots of research, read about peoples own experiences and browse this forum. That is how I learned about a lot of what I was experiencing.
JT- The Original. N/A yrs. old
Cid- Protector and main front 28 yrs. old
Lex- Gate Keeper, internal self helper 32 yrs. old
Sophie- Creative little, slider age 6ish-17ish
Tyler- What do I do? Get into trouble. He's 17
Five others that don't talk on here. Perhaps one day.
ShawTrav
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1303
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 2:58 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 04, 2021 3:44 pm
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Re: Need help and insight into what I have?

Postby Valar Morghulis » Tue Jul 14, 2015 9:56 am

Thank you for your reply.

I don't feel like I'm in a daze or a fog.
I have felt like everything around me is not 100%, I wouldn't use the word daze or fog, just an unnerving feeling.

Thanks again, I will do some browsing and reading on other people's experiences.
It is sometimes a mistake to climb; it is always a mistake never even to make the attempt. If you do not climb you will not fall. This is true. But is it that bad to fail, that hard to fall?

Your thoughts do not define who you are, but your actions do.
Valar Morghulis
Consumer 3
Consumer 3
 
Posts: 76
Joined: Sat Jul 11, 2015 5:29 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 04, 2021 9:44 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Need help and insight into what I have?

Postby ShawTrav » Tue Jul 14, 2015 11:19 am

Well good luck to you.
JT- The Original. N/A yrs. old
Cid- Protector and main front 28 yrs. old
Lex- Gate Keeper, internal self helper 32 yrs. old
Sophie- Creative little, slider age 6ish-17ish
Tyler- What do I do? Get into trouble. He's 17
Five others that don't talk on here. Perhaps one day.
ShawTrav
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1303
Joined: Wed Jan 14, 2015 2:58 pm
Local time: Thu Mar 04, 2021 3:44 pm
Blog: View Blog (0)


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