am i unusual?

I have no memories of the first 14 years of my life. After that it is fairly sketchy until I met my husband. I know my siblings and I had a very traumatic childhood but they won't tell me anything specific because they are afraid of triggering a memory no matter how unlikely I tell them it is. I always thought I wanted to remember so I could understand the things I do ( like why I have panic attacks at stupid stuff) until I had a single memory come back. I had so much emotion and anger in that one 10 second memory that it was quickly swished away and all I have left is a vague impression. I am now terrified of remembering. I'm afraid of having a mental breakdown if I ever did remember. Has anyone else ever remembered? Is it normal to not want to remember and/or be afraid to remember?

Dear Dottom
Hope you are coping.
Yes it is natural to not want to remember, I didnt want to remember but I did because i was strong enough - my body needed to release it. I got through most of it on my own and 20years later am still remembering. I still have large periods of my childhood that are black. You wont remember unless you are strong enough.

Mine are like that too, there are very few memories (the ones there are most likely only due to stories I heard, not even sure if they're real) from before high school, and then the rest are fuzzy until about two years ago. I used to think it was normal for people to not remember childhood, then I learned that many people do remember it a lot more than me.

I definitely understand the not wanting to remember though. I'm very much afraid to, as well. I have flashes sometimes, like it seems you did, of painful memories that then get squashed. I very much do want to remember stuff, but at the same time don't at all, for fear of how bad they may be... but I also want to remember the good things, but you can't really pick and choose... it's so confusing.

I think it's probly somewhat normal for people to want to forget traumatic things, the only difference is that we don't forget them voluntarily, they get hidden away much deeper, and much more stuff than them gets blotted out when we hide them away.