Some Validation For Others (My Experience)

I am going to do my best to keep this as vague as possible, but I had better go ahead and start with a SENSITIVE CONTENT warning just in case. So there it is.

I just want to add some validation for others who are going through what I have been through and still struggle with. I have read a lot of book reviews and articles and such online that claim repressed memories are not real/possible. And to be fair if I hadn't experienced what I have, I would probably be pretty skeptical, myself.

However, I personally know as a fact that repressed memories are real, because I have them along with physical evidence. In fact the physical evidence is what lead to me realizing that I have repressed memories. So relax ya'll, you're not crazy.

I am a woman, and after graduating high school I started my first romantic relationship. To my knowledge at that time I was a virgin. Months into the relationship we tried to have sex but it was impossible. It also occurred to me at that time that I had never used tampons, either, due to the same problem.

I assumed there was something physically abnormal about myself 'down there' and scheduled an exam. In the waiting room I was mostly panicking because I thought oh gosh what if it is a tumor or something. I had always struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for as far back as I could remember, too.

Well the doctor diagnosed me with vaginimus and also said I some internal scar tissue. I argued with her and explained that what she was saying was not possible because I was a virgin. I went to another doctor to get a second opinion, but it was the same thing.

I nearly had a mental breakdown to be honest because I could not explain anything, and I was terrified that I had no memories of something so significant. So I wound up in therapy, where I was told that apparently it was actually not normal for me to have almost no memories of my childhood.

I thought most people could not remember hardly anything from the first 12 years of their life, and I had always been skeptical of people telling stories from when they were 7 or 10, thinking to myself yeah right, nobody can remember back that far.

Well I guess I was wrong. Apparently it was just me in the social circle who couldn't remember.

And I still don't remember and am not sure if I ever will. But I thought I was a virgin and had internal scars. So obviously I am missing memories, since the scar tissue didn't just magically appear, I'm guessing.

Just wanted to share. I get so flustered and hurt when I read about repressed memories being fake or lies because I can't even recover mine but I went through the horror of discovering the physical evidence. So you're not alone if you're going through this, too.

The repressed memories are very real

I have very limited memories ( only small flashback moments ) which I also remove once they surface

Family talk about ( past pets/ places we have been / things I did) have no memory of it

All good & bad memories have gone also ( all submerged ) locked away

I have doubted ( reasoned with myself ) that nothing could have happened because ( I felt nothing for years ) had no anger/ no real worries ( the occasional ) weird flash ' though was all
Which I shuffled away into the go away pile of my memory

It was only in the last 6 years or more that things ( started to slip out ) as I explored & decided to learn more of my self ( I allowed myself to open up to things around me & within ) which open a wave of many emotions I did n't know I should feel ( about things )

Can't explain this well sorry ) but I felt nothing about it all - NOTHING / no anger/ no emotions at all ) it vanished ( it was all just gone ) like a snap of a finger ( I was an empty shell ) with only immediate emotions / living immediate experiences only

Until I made myself more 'self aware' of who I am as a person ( & started to question why I did the things I did ) why ( I acted the way I did ..) Key events trigged me to look at why I was acting irrationally / out of control ( to an event)

Everything then started to fall into place better ( I don't have the memories- still don't - & it was over 8 yrs or more of abuse ) all gone ( like it never happened ) no control over it either

I could probably work on a few flashbacks ( to go further on in with ) & explore them more so now though when I am ready to do so with a therapist ( but I function most of the time quite all right now that I am more aware of what I am feeling ( as now I can 'talk ' myself through things / rationally work with the emotions & then come out the other side to say ok ( that is why I did that ) & it makes more sense now ..

I had to learn to be angry & that it was ok ( with / when someone hurt me ) now I can process it better & work through my own feelings better ( eg- people can no longer just walk all over me like they use to ) & I can have a 'voice' now also for myself ( took awhile to find it ) but did
Where now I can say it s ok to say NO to someone & to feel bad, but now I can also walk away from someone who was only using me for their own use ..

This has helped me alot now ( but had to learn how to do this ) as before it was like I was living ( but not really there )
Weird things trigger me now (eg- emotions can come from someone/ something / something written / places seen ) & its not until I am in the ( emotion) will I then be able to 'see' it ..( to then be able to rationalize & then work with it) to then resolve it away / or self sooth it into submission through my own self talk therapy..eg- changing my 'thoughts / understanding them / being aware of them / & then resolving it ..

I have & continue to 'lose' memories ( good & bad) of events ( they just vanish from me) even now ( I can't retain them very well ) others around will bring up memories of times together/ things done ( most of the time I just smile ) & agree yes ummmm that was good wasn't it

Have very limited memories of anything from childhood

Its weird some things will remain other things just vanish eg- even over the last 6 years or so ( other parts just don't ) ..I have no control over what stays or goes ( photos help eg- of a holiday away ) but other little details still go ..including the good times also

we can really relate to this. With some details different, this mirrors our experience.

I can relate. I have DID, which means dissociative amnesia in addition to some other stuff going on. The amnesia affects not just parts of my childhood, but sometimes happens even now. Therapy has been a tremendous help. Therapy is not only helping me stop having more new amnesias, but I seem to have learned how to discover and undo the new amnesias. The childhood ones not so much: that tells me they probably are held by dissociated identities.

I can relate to this. It is helpful to know that I am not alone.

*trigger warning*

Wow, I am new to the DID diagnosis but have had it all of my life. The amnesia is unbelievable, most of my childhood is gone and my school days are gone-I absolutely hated school, maybe that is why. I started having more recent amnesia after I started therapy and my alters started to come out. One of them, during a few hours that I thought I was watching t.v. actually overdosed. And I wasn't at all suicidal at the time. But going to college I can tell when I switch because my note taking methods and my handwriting changes considerably, but at times I cannot recall a lecture or a homework assignment that I did. So I take many notes and I record every lecture.
It is good to know that I'm not crazy..I thought I was literally losing my mind.
I am getting a lot of good information on this site, and I am very appreciative of it.

Welcome here Lightbearer I'm glad you found this place. It can be a greatly supportive place to be (the DID forum has a lot of posters and it's a very welcoming and helpful group) and especially during the phase you are in now where you are starting to figure things out it's lovely to have people to get support from and who can help you understand

Thinking of you

my memory of everything before sixth grade is kind of sketchy. i mean i can remember things if i kind of think about it but i not really like to :< i know i forget a lot of things in my day to day life too. it took me while to figure this out and of course no one tells me but i think i do. probably more than i know. my memory of everything before sixth grade is kind of sketchy...

Thank you for sharing this, it is very comforting to know that I'm not alone as many others have said. You are helping others heal and that is the best outcome given the situations, the only silver lining.
I too had my first wake up call at a dr exam. I was scared to death to be there and she was very nice and made me feel a little at peace. Until she stopped, came to sit beside me and asked me what happened and if I felt comfortable enough to tell her. I didn't know what to say or how to react. I knew there had been some sexual abuse and that I'd had trouble knowing what was real and what I thought were dreams since very young but at that point in my life I couldn't face thinking about it long enough to even begin to understand. So I just played dumb and said nothing. She continued and did not press me but carefully explained that there was clear evidence of abuse and extensive scaring which was probably the cause of the pain I'd been having that led me there. I was numb, laying there saying to myself that it was real, I wasn't delusional and they weren't all dreams, they couldn't have been, here was more physical proof that I couldn't just keep pushing aside.
But I did push it aside, it bothered me very much for a few weeks but then I just stopped thinking about it again. I was sure it was not still happening anyway. The train sound and feeling that went along with the terrible dreams I'd always had. Now that I was an adult, happily married with my own family I could forget forever and never entertain the thoughts of what I couldn't remember anyway. The years of not knowing if I was awake or asleep, doubting everything because I could not tell then at the time or now what was real and what was just a dream.
I got along okay for a while there, my marriage was good enough our children happy and healthy. I had a lot of anxiety, depression and panic attacks and tried several medications for years, that didn't help me feel real or whole. I was just getting along, just going through the emotions to get through each day without thinking about it. Proof to me that it was real came at me here and there and I'd ponder it shortly but force myself to stop thinking about it, every time.
When I moved far, far away from my hometown and family everything changed. For the first time I felt free. I was deeply sad and missed my loved ones but for the first time ever I was aware of the fact that I was also away from every person that could have and did harm me. So far away that they could never just show up or keep in touch with me unless I put out the effort. I was totally removed from everything I had known except for my own happy, non dysfunctional little family that I had lovingly created, it was the hardest but the very best thing could have ever done for myself.
Being free I began searching within myself for the cause of things. Just as you described in your op, your words gave me goose bumps, they sing my song as well. It has been scary and hard but I too am healing and in the process as well as because of I'm remembering. The strangest thing for me is that in a way I've always known, it's just been folded up and hidden, covered up with lies and scams for lack of a better word. Manipulation maybe? My strengths were manipulated from the beginning to hide it from me? More likely I have the strengths that I possess because of it. I will continue my journey and I will learn the whole truth, I think I already do, I just have to find where it's hidden.
Talking about it, that's the key, if to a therapist, friend or as me, myself and my journal and now here. For me that brings about the feelings that show me where to look.
Again, thank you.

Peace & Love.

***Trigger Warning***

Hello,
I'm new here, but wanted to share my experience of validation. I've recently been diagnosed with DID and won't go into details except for this particular memory and subsequent validation. As long as I can remember I stood in the hall looking into my childhood bedroom watching Eddie, the next door neighbor bending over a crib with a baby tied down, one limb at each post. I could never figure out if it was my brother or my sister. I asked my Mom over the years about it, near getting an answer. Recently she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I happened to ask her again. The memory is quite vivid, BTW, the yellow light coming through the old fashioned shades, the linoleum floor etc. She said when I was 2-3, or when I talked, I told her that Eddie tied ME down! I was stunned! I had NO idea! I made her write it down and sign it. It's not my imagination, it's true. I was in a disassociated state while watching "The Baby", which is how I always refer to it. I don't know what happened, don't want to know--it was beyond horrible. Anyway that's my 2 cents.

***End Trigger Warning***