NOTE: I'm not sure if this is going to trigger some people, but it could. So just read at your own risk.
I am so very lost and afraid. I've only been diagnosed with Pre-Diabetes for a couple of days and I feel like my whole self-image has changed. I am overweight and look overweight, but I feel morbidly obese. Even if I'm only 210 lbs (app. 95 kg), I feel a lot heavier, like I'm really 700 or 800 lbs (app. 317-362 kg). My pancreas and liver have both become ticking time bombs.
Right now I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat anything knowing it's just going to add more weight, or have the other extreme happen where I take the Metformin (Glucophage) and get hit wit the side effects. I've been on Metformin for several years now, but stopped taking in on my own accord because battling the side effects and meeting keeping up with university expectations feels next to impossible. When the side effects are at their worst, I have to sleep on the floor. Not to mention, and I swear on my grandmother's grave when I say this, I never had severe abdominal pain (on my left side) or irritable bowl syndrome (IBM) until I started taking Metformin for the first time. And I also swear (again on my grandmother's grave) that taking the medication contributed to the forming of my intestinal ulcer, which is what the campus doctor believes is causing the severe abdominal pain. Another side effect from it is that I get very nauseous out of nowhere. And then it feels like something's gonna come out of one end or the other (throwing up or diarrhea or both). Just last night I had another side effect episode where I took it after dinner and nearly passed out in the restroom just 5 minutes after taking it. 5 minutes! That's ridiculous! Of course I'm also guilty of overeating last night. But I digress.
What I need to do is lose weight, but it's not gonna happen over night. I feel like going to the extreme (diet pills, anorexia, or straight up starvation) are the only ways to get satisfaction for losing weight right away. I should go work out at the student center when I get back to campus. Except I don't like going to the gym because I don' t like working out alone. When I work out alone, I feel awkward, like everyone's watching me, which adds to my stress level (and I already have poor stress management), thus becomes counter-productive and just keeps the weight on. Not having very many real-life friends doesn't help either. My own mother, who's also Diabetic, won't even take care of herself. So it's also hard to stay motivated when the people around me aren't.
Another thing is my diet. Yes, I have a poor diet. Eating healthy on a college budget is expensive. The only places at school that serve healthy options is the main dining hall (which gives me IBM episodes), the vegetarian place (which is still expensive), and the sushi place (which is spicy enough to give me heartburn). I love the vegetarian place, but $6.74 (app. £4.11) for a bowl of salad? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! I can't afford that 3-7 days a week! I could eat the grass from in my front yard and get the same benefits as long as it hasn't been treated with insecticides. I find it quite discouraging.
I'm not sure what else I can do except the obvious or drastic. Maybe I'm not asking the right people. I've got people who are supporting me going anorexic. But I don't want to because I don't want to lose self control. (What self control? I don't have it to begin with since I overeat!) Still, I'm even more down on myself than I have been in a while.