Back in the pit...

I've had issues with depression for the majority of my life. About eight years ago I attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital. Since then I've had my depression more-or-less under control. Recently I've been going to college and I've fallen into the deepest depression I've felt in years.

I panic when I'm alone. The sense of loneliness is so overwhelming I can't bare it. That little voice in my head that tells me I should kill myself comes more and more frequently. I've spoken to a doctor and a therapist. They've arranged for me to see a psychiatrist in February.

I just want to die. I hate myself and I can't see any possibility of a better future.

The stress from school is certainly part of it. But that's not the crux of the issue. Being around all those people, who are all laughing and joking among themselves, and feeling totally alien is really depressing. I really have to struggle to maintain a facade of normality and it's exhausting. And I think people see through it.

Worst of all, there's this girl... I had become really enamoured with her without even really noticing it. We had been very friendly. And then she started dating one of my classmates and it was crushing. I didn't know how sucked in I had been until she starting dating this guy. Now I feel horribly embarassed to talk to them and I'm so mad at myself for liking her so much.

I'm in such a bleak mood. I don't know what to do.

A little bit better... I've been trying to keep myself occupied.