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I hate myself and have no motivation.

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I hate myself and have no motivation.

Postby Linkle » Tue Apr 18, 2017 3:08 am

I am 18 years old genderfluid and I study games in the university. Just to make it clear: It looks like it's easy, but it isn't. My friends and all are dedicated to studying, some are even recommended to teachers, praised, and stuff. And of course, they judge me for not caring. I am nothing like them. And I have the time and ability to surpass them.

I don't study, I couldn't pay attention to class after two weeks of learning. I got lost and don't know how to learn now. There is a way, but I just don't care.
I don't feel happy about ANYTHING I do. As a game artist, I forced myself to make a really good drawing today. But I just look at it and don't care. It's whatever.
I read, I played piano, couldn't watch any show on netflix, and I played RPG games. Each activity lasted no more than 10 minutes.

And soon I found out I couldn't even talk to people without being internally stressed out with any tiny detail. I couldn't talk to my mom. Sometimes I just disappear completely from the internet for around a week, no communication with friends or anything. Just staying home, being useless and sleeping most of the time. I call it just "stopping to exist for a while". But I'm tired of it when it happens. It feels like hell to be so useless and bored of life.

And when I talk to my friends about it (online, and outside of the university) I feel ashamed by the way they support me. Because they probably have way worse mental suffering, and still manage to be good people, and achieve goals. I don't. My life is really good, I have many things I want. People think I'm cute, I get hugged, I make jokes along friends, I have many positive things here.

But I'm just here watching everyone around me shine without doing anything about it.
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Re: I hate myself and have no motivation.

Postby eterea107 » Fri Apr 21, 2017 10:33 am

It sounds like you need help recovering from your depression. A psychiatrist and therapist can treat you...
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Re: I hate myself and have no motivation.

Postby cascadingstars » Sun Oct 14, 2018 11:09 am

Linkle wrote:I am 18 years old genderfluid and I study games in the university. Just to make it clear: It looks like it's easy, but it isn't. My friends and all are dedicated to studying, some are even recommended to teachers, praised, and stuff. And of course, they judge me for not caring. I am nothing like them. And I have the time and ability to surpass them.

I don't study, I couldn't pay attention to class after two weeks of learning. I got lost and don't know how to learn now. There is a way, but I just don't care.
I don't feel happy about ANYTHING I do. As a game artist, I forced myself to make a really good drawing today. But I just look at it and don't care. It's whatever.
I read, I played piano, couldn't watch any show on netflix, and I played RPG games. Each activity lasted no more than 10 minutes.

And soon I found out I couldn't even talk to people without being internally stressed out with any tiny detail. I couldn't talk to my mom. Sometimes I just disappear completely from the internet for around a week, no communication with friends or anything. Just staying home, being useless and sleeping most of the time. I call it just "stopping to exist for a while". But I'm tired of it when it happens. It feels like hell to be so useless and bored of life.

And when I talk to my friends about it (online, and outside of the university) I feel ashamed by the way they support me. Because they probably have way worse mental suffering, and still manage to be good people, and achieve goals. I don't. My life is really good, I have many things I want. People think I'm cute, I get hugged, I make jokes along friends, I have many positive things here.

But I'm just here watching everyone around me shine without doing anything about it.


Hi. I can really relate to a lot of things you wrote in your post. I know you wrote this about a year and a half ago, but have you been to diagnosed by a professional? I am not a doctor but the things you wrote about seem like symptoms of depression...I've recently been diagnosed with Major depressive disorder with psychotic features and I am experiencing the things you wrote about and other symptoms. I hate not being able to experience pleasure...I used to write a lot, but it doesn't make me as happy as it used to, as do many other things like listening to music, going out with friends or just living in general...Especially the days where I feel numb are the worst, like you described. Most of the times I feel useless too and although I have everything I am bored of my life...Luckily there are these rare days, where I have an interest in things I used to love, even if it's for a short period of time. I am slowly starting to like writing again, but I can only have my concentration and energy on one thing, which is why I am isolating myself from the one friend I have...Every time I do this I get mad at myself, because she doesn't know about my condition and always worries about what is going on with me...But I can't bring myself to tell her...I have recently had a dream about someone I've been good friends with once and in that dream she texted me that if I don't reach out to her soon, she'll report me as a missing person. Somehow I believe it means I should get in touch with her, tell her I am not a missing person, but missing her. Okay, now it's getting too sentimental. Sorry about that. Anyway, I don't feel like I deserve the friends I had so I kept pushing them away. I don't really know why I got depressed, because I believe that there is no reason for me, though in actuality...Depression doesn't ######6 care if you have problems or not. If you feel bad with a reason, you are depressed. If you feel bad without a reason, you are still depressed. I read that in a book about Depression and I think it is so true. I don't know if what I'm saying helps you or if you'll completely ignore me. Both is fine. I hope you are doing better and found a way to cope with your distress. It would be great to hear from you!
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