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I am losing everyone as I can't control my moods

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I am losing everyone as I can't control my moods

Postby stilltrying7 » Wed Dec 28, 2016 12:02 pm

Hi there,
This is my first post on this forum. I find it difficult to know where to begin. I am a female, early 60's. I truly feel that I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a child. I had a difficult childhood, like many, physical and verbal abuse was a daily event. My parents divorced when I was young.
Somehow I stumbled through, got married as a teenager, to a decent kind person, but I know now it was just a case of looking for some emotional security. He was a very ambitious person and after a few years and 2 beautiful children, I felt totally neglected. I admit I am too needy.
Against all my better judgement I fell in love with a married man in my early 30's, this resulted in a lot of pain and the break up of two families. We are still together. My dearest wish was to have a second family with him, but he was determined not to. He already had several children, he also married very young. This is when things started to get really hard for me, I begged pleaded and cajoled, but he was adamant. He actually regrets it now. This totally ruined my self esteem, I felt that he didn't think I was good enough, I felt rejected and this along with the guilt which was overbearing caused me to self medicate with alcohol.
This in time led to severe depression and awful anxiety attacks which I still suffer even now. TBH I guess I am still carrying a resentment towards him even though I love him dearly.
I went for counselling, which did not help. Then we decided to move to the other side of the world, long story, but he had always wanted to and I agreed only if my 2 kids, 18 and 20 would come. I manipulated them something awful and eventually they did. Things were ok for quite a few years, I even joined AA, went into rehab and stayed sober for many years.But the only way I stayed sober was through a cocktail of medication. I was still full of anxiety on a daily basis. Eventually some person suggested I went into a private clinic for my anxiety. That was a bad move, I did a 2 week CBT course, which may have helped a little, but every night the Dr came round and said are you still anxious and I was, dreadfully and he gave more and more drugs to me.
I came out of there like a zombie. Then I started researching all the medications and was horrified, particularly as I felt even worse.
So I did what you are not meant to do and quit the lot cold turkey. I was so ill for several weeks it is a wonder I survived, but I did. Move on say 6 months and stone cold sober and drug free, still full of anxiety and depression, no escape whatsoever, suicidal thoughts.
So I started to read up about controlled drinking, my husband agreed it may make me easier to live with. So I went back on the juice, also a low dose anti depressant, against my better judgement, although I fall to pieces if I try to stop this.
I had to give up my business as I was unable to drive due to anxiety. Then my youngest daughter went back to England, although I was sad I gave her my blessing and visited ever year, but when she had her first child, I stayed over to help and when I left I just fell apart. She now has another baby.
During all this I have had a terrible tendency to "rescue" people. Which I know see as trying to control them, I used to think it was because I actually couldn't bear to see them in pain, which to a point is true. But my interference has caused a great rift between my son in law and myself, he treats my daughter dreadfully and I just could not turn the other cheek.
Then about a year ago my friend for other 30 years and I had a massive fall out, because again I tried to "help" her with her failing relationship and I got so angry to see how she was turning her kids against their father. It triggered childhood memories.
There is a lot more I could bore everyone to death, but I think I am turning into a really horrible person, traits of my parents are beginning to stare me in the face. They are very elderly and resentful because I am not there for them and yes I feel damn guilty. But my husband would not move back and my daughter here is now settled with her own family so I couldn't leave her either. But I have been selfishly burdening her with my troubles and now naturally she is also angry with me.
I have also had counselling here and I was totally open and honest.But it was of little benefit.I am a very lonely, angry person now and if I don't lift my game I fear my husband will run out of patience. I am agoraphobic, not fully. But sit around procrastinating and achieving nothing.
I don't know if anyone can relate but I feel I am totally losing the plot now.
Sorry for the rant. Only positive is I have started truing to take short walks 3 or 4 times a week. Have totally changed our diet as my husband has a heart problem.Am cutting back on alcohol as if I over indulge I get even more mouthy and depressed.
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Re: I am losing everyone as I can't control my moods

Postby Snaga » Wed Dec 28, 2016 8:59 pm

Gentle hugs, if wanted. Welcome to PF, please look around other forums as you feel the need.

Your user name... sometimes, it's the trying that counts the most. And I'm glad to see you're not giving up on yourself. It sounds like you're making some positive strides- going out for walks, cutting back on the alcohol. Those sound very positive to me. :)
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Let it go.
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Re: I am losing everyone as I can't control my moods

Postby stilltrying7 » Wed Dec 28, 2016 10:34 pm

Hugs are very welcome, thank you.
I haven't given up, I love my family so much that I want to get better for them.
Thank you for your kind reply :)
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Re: I am losing everyone as I can't control my moods

Postby quietgirl2538 » Thu Dec 29, 2016 4:06 pm

I stand by the belief that you come first. If you are well, mentally and physically, you will be well enough to be there for others. I don't really know the complete story of your situation between your daughter's husband or others, but you are a good person and you are trying to be an even better person. Be proud of yourself for that. Hugs if wanted.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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