im angry because i cant help myself?

sometimes i stay in my room for days without getting ready or cleaned up. i just lay down. ive been laying down since i woke up today at 7am, for NINE hours, needing to start my essay for school, and i just havent. i hate days like this but i cant believe time went by so fast. i hate myself for it and i feel disgusting i dont want to waste my life

im angry because i cant help myself? i cant snap myself out of it. i cant afford therapy and i also am too paranoid for it.
when nothing on earth feels worth it and i just want to disappear and im stuck in life in a lot of aspects and i dont have friends and im just idk its like a bummer overall, sorry thanks.

im frustrated because i have SO MANY ISSUES mentally and theres no way to help myself! sorry!

I empathize with you because I feel very similar. I'm so depressed and unmotivated and unfocused that I can't work a job anymore. Most of the time I just lay in bed. It's a big deal if I work up the motivation to shower, let alone do an activity. I hate myself because I feel like I should be able to do better even though I'm actually doing the best I can. I can't give you any good advice about loving yourself, because I've been in therapy almost 5 years and I still hate myself. All I can do is tell you I empathize and understand. So you're not alone.

I don't know what all your issues are, but it's unhealthy and dangerous to self-diagnose. Even if you could only afford an initial visit, a psychiatrist or psychologist could at least tell you officially what the big problems are for you to work on. Here's another idea. Many cities have a Community Services Board that offers therapy for low income people and/or those without insurance. One year I had no place to go except the CSB, and my sessions were only $5 each! So it might be worth looking into. Also it might help to read books about types of therapy (like DBT and CBT) and try to teach them to yourself. Just an idea.

Kavajava, you have some really helpful resources. I know my mom is depressed but she has no medical insurance so that is some handy knowledge to have.

With the bipolar, I'll find myself dragging myself out of bed and if I showered I feel as I've accomplished so much. That's how bad my depressions can get.

Glad I could help.

Sorry you have to deal with that much depression. Looking on the bright side, at least you still get the feeling of accomplishment after some self-care like a shower. I don't even feel that half the time. When I finally get something done like washing the dishes I just think, "this is pointless" and don't feel rewarded for my effort at all...

Ah, Kavajava,
I'm so sorry I will remind myself to appreciate what I do have. Hugs if wanted.