Deeply Depressed and Suicidal

I don't know really how to start this, I'm new here. I'm 27 years old, and from the outside it looks like I have the perfect life. But I have struggled with depression and anxiety and off and on suicidal thoughts since I was 16. But recently, I have become even more depressed and sometimes turn it into anger and I have been even more suicidal than I have ever been. I used to cut, was bulimic, and was anorexic. Right now, I am in a relationship with a man who I love very dearly, but recently we have been fighting and arguing every day. I am going through a lot right now. I have been dealing with physical pain from bulging discs and I have lost almost all my friends and my sisters have grown apart from me. I am angry all the time and completely hate myself and life. I see no reason to live anymore. I have been a complete b**ch to my boyfriend and he comes back at me even harder and it hurts a lot. But I tell myself I deserve it and don't deserve to live. I am OCD, have clinical depression and anxiety. I can't sleep unless I take something to make me sleep. But none of it makes any since. I have a great job, a great boyfriend (I think) even though we argue, I'm still trying to figure out who this man is and if I should be with him...on that note though, if I lose him, I lose everything and will most likely kill myself. I have my mother and father who love me and support me. I love them so much and I know it would be selfish to kill myself. I just don't see the point anymore. Humanity is doomed anyway. People are just pure evil and selfish. This world has gone to sh*t. And I'm a born again Christian. But the thought of suicide seems so peaceful. I just don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about it because I am scared they'll send me away. I just want to die. I'm tired of being in pain, tired of fighting with my boyfriend, tired of hating myself, tired of having no hope, tired of crying all the time. I don't know what else to say...