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I just want to die

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Re: I just want to die

Postby jacknife » Sat Oct 13, 2012 11:28 pm

I have no interests, ambitions or anything too; i don't like anything, i don't want anything, i'm not interested in anything and i can't love anyone; my body is biologically attracted to the female gender but it's nothing beyond the sexual aspect of a relationship.

I'm just left with my basic animal instinct and my 5 senses, nothing else; i planned to commit suicide EDITED, but only after having engaged in some hedonistic behaviors; you know, a "what to do" list before dying.

In the end, it probably doesn't matter... if you really feel like killing yourself, why don't you first take some "satisfaction"? Isn't there someone you'd want to get your revenge on? Isn't there some cute girl you'd like to have sex with? Isn't there some drug/beverage you'd like to try out? EDITED.

Sorry if you were expecting some comfort but, being in a similar situation (even tho for different reasons), i'm just as hopeless; my problem is that i can't find anything i like, nor my ego allows me to love anyone (too paranoid); no interests, no nothing... i'm just left with a huge sack of boredom...
Last edited by masquerade on Sun Mar 10, 2013 10:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: I just want to die

Postby vegasguy » Mon Oct 15, 2012 3:26 pm

Making a "bucket list" I dont think will help. Having sex with a cute girl, or getting revenge on someone is not going to help someone who is not well. I think some words of support might be more helpful. Maybe see a professional and try to sort out why we feel this way. Educate ourselves to understand that it is all physical, and we dont WANT to be this way. I want to remebered that I have a horrible malfuntion that makes me feel like crap every single day..but I fought like hell every day , with the little energy that I have left. I educated myself , and did the best I can,and gave support to those that feel my pain too.
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Re: I just want to die

Postby delamo » Tue Oct 16, 2012 12:32 am

John, have you ever been diagnosed with schizophrenia or schizoafective? Because your symptoms you describe of not having any motivation to do anything and how you lack feelings sounds a lot like the negative symptoms of schizophrenia type illness...I mention this because if somehow its been in diagnosed, and you do have it, that could explain why you have been stuck all these years..it might be worth it to ask your doctor about, if it has never been discussed before..
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Re: I just want to die

Postby bellarose » Mon Feb 18, 2013 3:01 am

I hope you're feeling better.

For myself, I began feeling depressed about age 13. I grew up in a very violatile home, where dad was always flying off the handle, going ballistic on discipline. I have a feeling it messed up my brain's chemical balance, so often being in the "flight or flee" mode. Even now, as a 50 yr old, I battle with that sense of being on the alert, and depression is my constant companion.

I have faith, came to the Lord as an 18 yr old. But, there are so many regrets and fobiles. My life has been a disaster! Not that everyone would agree, but I know what I've been involved with, and the choices I've made, and those that have been made against me, and it feels like my life is a big fat zero. But, we have the promise from God that he will work allll things out for our good. And every human being on the planet has fallen short. No one is perfect. So, we're not alone.

I have tried almost 7 antidepressants. Zoloft improved things a bit when I was going through chemo. And Prozac helped a bit, but had too many side effects. There are times I wonder, should I try the other antidepressants? Do I just need to exercise more? Get in the sun more? Change my diet? Get some sort of alternative treatment, like accupuncture? At this point, I am willing to try anything. Some have suggested online to reach out to others who are worse off. Maybe help at a rescue mission/soup kitchen, or visit the elderly who have nobody.

But, also, I think the way I perceive situations/events in life has a major impact on how I feel. Journaling has helped. Sometimes, I imagine, "If my niece was going through this, how would I counsel her?" It gets me out of my own hurt and pain and thoughts, to express a warm, compassionate word, and present it to myself.

Such as, if my niece's coworkers were ignoring her, I'd probably say, "They're likely so busy with life, they don't even realize they've not talked to you lately. You're a great person. Just reach out to others who have time. Try to not take it personally." .... Then I'd look at my answer, consider how logical it is, and try to gain comfort from it.

Anyway. I'm sorry you've been feeling so awful. I came online because I've been feeling the same. Life on earth is a bit*h sometimes. It really is. But, it's not forever. There are good things in store for us, when every tear will be wiped away, the former things will be forgotten and we will experience love, life, and joy beyond our imagination, and it will be good.
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Re: I just want to die

Postby bluejackie777 » Sun Mar 10, 2013 3:51 am

I've felt the same as you before. And what is most important I think to trying to get a hold on that feeling is to try and build yourself up and forget about the past. You're obviously an interesting and intelligent person. You hold a degree in theology, There is no one "right" answer or "right thing" to get you through this. but you must actively search and pursue what interests you maybe new music new hobbies meeting a new group of friends who you can be open with...a support system. I sincerely hope you find what it is your looking for. because we all want things from life and deserve to get them!! just try not to put yourself down so much. if you aren't where you picture yourself try to visualize a new picture. best of luck
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Re: I just want to die

Postby masquerade » Sun Mar 10, 2013 10:56 am

This thread is quite old and I don't know how you are today. If you are still having these feelings it's important that you get the right kind of help for yourself, and speak to a doctor. If the medication did'nt work then through a process of trial and error you might find just the right dosage or medication that will work for you. The fact that you found at least one therapist who understood you suggests that there will be others out there who will also understand. In an emergency it's important that you seek help immediately, and take yourself to your nearest hospital.
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Re: I just want to die

Postby Thecatsmeow » Tue Mar 12, 2013 9:52 pm

I wish I could just end it right now. Nothing ever goes my way either. I've been married for over 7 years, and for the past 5 years all I have heard is how she doesn't love me, she isn't in love with me anymore. We constantly fight, I have had challenges with work as well. My mother is very ill, and all I have are my kids, and when they are around I forget about feeling sad and unwanted. But I can't be around my kids 24-7, I need to work, they need to go to school, but if I could be with them all the time I believe everything would be o.k.

As I write these words tears run down my face, for feeling so selfish in wanting to leave this world, and the thought of not being able to hold my girls, see and hear their smiling faces and laughter, and watching them grow.

But I can't take the pain of feeling so empty anymore, useless, unwanted by the woman I love. I'm tired of having to deal with all my problems with my mom's illness, and barely being able to provide for my family. I'm so useless, and the world still will keep doing it's thing no matter if I am in it or not.

This isn't the first time I have felt this way, the doctors gave me pills for depression, and tell me to talk about how I feel, and tell me to work out to help with my anxiety. None of it works, but the work outs help for awhile.

Again what helps me is being around my kids and teaching them and helping them to learn and play. I am not sure if you like kids or not, but maybe since you feel you have no one, perhaps giving your time to someone who has no one would satisfy the empty feeling you have in your life. The joy of making a difference in a persons life is very rewarding. It is the only thing that keeps me going, perhaps it would do something for you.

Good Luck.
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Re: I just want to die

Postby Cheze2 » Tue Mar 12, 2013 10:54 pm

I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time. I'm glad to hear that your kids are helping you get through this. I think it's important to have something/someone to live for when we no longer feel the will to carry on on our own. Please reach out to someone in 3D with these feelings as well. Are you seeing a therapist? Some people find that helpful, though I know you stated that they tell you to talk about how you feel which you stated doesn't help. If exercise is helpful to you, perhaps try to set aside even a small amount of time each day to spend on that. Do you have any hobbies or other things that you enjoy doing? Or maybe once enjoyed doing and haven't done in awhile? If you really feel as though you can't cope, please call 1800 SUICIDE or go to your local ER/A&E.
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Re: I just want to die

Postby meaghanslove » Fri Apr 05, 2013 7:58 pm

Hi John :) I'm sorry you feel so sad. I too have depression and at times I admit have had thoughts of suicide. I am so sorry that you have come to hate God. But maybe I can help you? I may be only 18 years old but I have endured a hard life, as one of Jehovah's witnesses though, I have found immense comfort from the bible, and I enjoy helping people. When you say you have tried antidepressants what were they? Have you ever tried any SSRI's I take Cipralex it works very good, without I become very depressed...even with gods help. I REALLY want to help you..that is if you want...
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Re: I just want to die

Postby David081667 » Sun Dec 08, 2013 2:53 am

Hi John. When I read your story, I honestly felt that I had written it myself. Just about everything you said matches up with my life exactly. I'm afraid that I don't have any advice for you because I feel just as hopeless, but there is definitely someone in the world who knows EXACTLY how you are feeling. If I find any answers, I will surely pass them along to you. Please do the same for me. I can use all the help that I can get.
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