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Autisic, Schizophrenic, and Depressive Symptoms?

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Autisic, Schizophrenic, and Depressive Symptoms?

Postby udaitaxim » Mon Dec 06, 2010 7:20 am

I feel I'm at the end of the line, and while I don't believe psychiatry is adequate treatment for mental disease [see my article(s) here living-with-mental-illness/topic57274.html I feel I never received a valid psychiatric diagnosis. I just keep hearing "depression, major-depression, OCD, but I don't think that comes close to explaining the breadth of what happens to me on a day-to-day basis. So, I'm going to explain my symptoms here as best I can in a desperate bid that anyone who takes the time to read this might offer me some ingisht.

I have, as far as I can remember, always had severe social anxiety: I recall that at age 8, the thought of talking to a classmate over the phone was so terrifying for me that I would lock myself in the bathroom to have an excuse not to talk to the classmate.

I find that I am mostly unable to "connect with people". Even when I push past the anxiety or whatever, I still feel some kind of emptiness or disconnect on an emotional level.

I am very rigid about many things, eating in particular (will elaborate on later). I don't like to be so rigid, because its unpratical, stress-inducing and burdensome, but I find that when I try to behave nonrigidly, I experience physical pain, which brings me to my next point.

I think this is one of the more bizzare things I experience, and for the sake of expedience, lets call these "bodily cues": It seems to me that much of my decision(s) about what I choose to do or not do are based on physical sensations that I experience. For instance, lets say I ponder going to a friend's house. I will think about going. Usually, when I think about going to a friends, I get painful bodily sensations, often in my stomach, and sometimes in my extremities. I describe the pain as some kind of crushing tightness. When I think about doing something and I get these physical "pain" sensations, I usually take it as a cue to not do said action (whatever it is). I find that the worse I feel the more that this pain increases in severity. I have tried to "push past" the pain, but usually I cannot.

Unless I am, or could be, a breatharian, my eating is really messed up. I could probably be diagnosed as having anorexia. I never really feel "hungry", and it almost seems strange to me that people do get so "hungry", like I don't know what they mean. Eventually, when I do eat, its not because I am "hungry", but because I feel like I will get sick if I don't, and my mind sometimes starts to fail me too. Almost everything I eat causes me pain, and I usually only eat food I see as healthy. I am a vegan, and eat no processed/junk foods, but no matter what I eat, I usually suffer immensly. Part of this whole process goes back to the "pain" I described earlier. Usually, before I eat something, I think about it. If I feel the painful "bodily cues", that is my cue to not eat. My pasts attempts to counter this have been disastrous. If I eat when I feel that I can't (meaning the "painful bodily cues"), I will experience a wide range of hellish symptoms. Sometimes my body will feel like its on fire. My mind also feels like its being attacked, meaning that I cannot think straight or concentrate on tasks. In the past I dealt with this pain by limiting my diet to mostly sweet fruits only. I did this for 6 months straight, and recently for a shorter time. It seems to be the only thing my system can handle without to much hell.

When I was about 8 or 9 years old (maybe sooner for all I know) I developed classic signs of OCD. I would count my steps and recheck things many times. I felt compelled to do thing an "even" number of times. Doing these repetitive rituals caused me great pain, but I did them anyways for years. When I got older, however, I was able to stop doing them, at least partialy becuase I recognized that it was meaningless and detreimental to my well-being.

I am extremely aware of and or sensitive to many physical stimuli in the enviornment that others seem to be either unsensitive to and-or unaware of. When I was very young, I was extremely sensitive to most clothing materials. I couldn't stand to wear "regular socks" because they felt "too constricting, rough", so I wore thin "dress" socks for many years growing up. I am sensitive to loud, and maybe certain high-pitch noises: when an ambulance/fire truck goes by and I'm on the side of the road, even the other side, I cover my ears. I am also extremely sensitive to smells: I cannot stand tobacco smoke (which is a good thing in essence I suppose) to such a degree that I can smell it from extremely far distances.

I have a problem with paranoia; it seems to be related to another aspect of my OCD, the intrusive thoughts. Paranoid intrusive thoughts will often just "pop" into my head. I seem to have no control over these thoughts "popping" into my head. I do have some control over what I do with them, although as soon as I get these thoughts, I already begin to feel sick in some way. I often fear that I will get medically sick, as I am a recovered(ing) hypochondriac. I had a propensity to fixate on rare diseases that I would not likely have. Sometimes the anxiety from this would contribute to landing me in a hospital. Sometimes I fear that others will hurt me, usually strangers I meet whilst going about daily activities in the outside world. I could be riding a bus and a thought will instantly "pop" in that the passenger behind me will stick me with a needle. I usually had a degree of awareness as to the insanity of these thoughts/fears, but simueltaniously, another part of my mind could not let go of the intrusive thoughts. I have made much progress in eliminating these thoughts. However, I hypothesize that this is the reason my "depression" symptoms have increased so much; My theory is that I used the paranoia/fear as a drug, because I am not well acquainted with anger and never feel happiness or contentment. When I would become fearful and indulge in these thoughts, I would stop experiencing the depressive symptoms, and would feel almost energized in a way. Looking back though, it was mindless and meaningless, and seems rather fitting that the only thing a sick individual (myself) could feel was a meaningless degredation (fear/paranoia) that is tantamount to substance abuse, meaning the paranoia was like a drug.

I don't know about sex. I have never had a girlfiend, or boyfriend. I don't usually think about having relations with another human being, as I barely conceive of friendships alone. Sometimes I masturbate, but it often feels uncomfortable.

I experience the usually depression symptoms: anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure form activities), lethargy.

To summarize, I feel like, for lack of better understanding perhaps, my "signals" are completely screwed up. I don't think I experience many things they way a healthy person would. The professionals always say "depression, major depression, OCD, depression and anxiety". I don't think these terms are sufficient to describe my condition(s). As I already noted, I have had many of my symptoms since I was very young, which to me suggests the possibility of a more inate condition thats part of my biological consitution. I suppose it could also be because of "Freudian" things, such as I didn't "bond with my mom"; Although my father died when I was 12, and my mother is mentally unstable, I really don't remember any severe childhood trauma. It seemed like much of the trauma occured after my father died, which is when my mom became sick or sicker; I had already displayed many unusual traits before my family situation fell apart. I'm hoping someone could offer some suggestions as to what psychiatric categories my situation might fall under, because I've told all of the above to various mental health professionals, and I don't feel satisfied with their explanations, or lackthereof.
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Re: Autisic, Schizophrenic, and Depressive Symptoms?

Postby EYPICSYL » Mon Dec 06, 2010 3:27 pm

Well i wish to say first i am not trained in anything to do with mental or physical health.I com from the angle of experience more so and only wish to throw down ideas and thoughts and share.
With that said your condition reminds me of aspergers but maybe slightly different in some aspects.Its hard to say without tons of info and with the brains formation you just sometimes never know.
You seem to show alot of those traits so i wonder what symptoms were showing in your before your father died and mother got sick.
The human brain establishes its sense of self at around the early teens and start properly from around age 8 onwards roughly speakng.As in the part of the brain i think medial prefrontal cortex grows its final stage to solidify that overal sense of self and who we are.Your mother being sick and father passing away at this time could of had a very large effect on how you developed.

The pain you get so often is a bit or a curiosity and mystery to me.Maybe we can do soem research online and try narrow it down for you? can you desccribe where exatly it is? the upper part of the stomach?
Do you get hunger cravings fo anything at all? and if so where does this hunger feel to be on your body? same place as the pain you get too?
It sounds like you have had a hard life and a complicated one.That makes you even more unique than most.So i think a simple ocd,depression diagnosis is possibly a lazy way out.They may be symptoms of a mental/physical condition or way of being but they are not the cause i would think.
So im curious what did any counselors,psychologist,psychatrist say was the problem or root of the problem?
As i see it the symptom isnt the root problem.
Depressed,confused,anxious? Maybe a solution is here --> http://www.psychforums.com/depression/topic53818.html
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Re: Autisic, Schizophrenic, and Depressive Symptoms?

Postby udaitaxim » Wed Dec 08, 2010 2:03 am

To EYPICSYL: Thanks for reading and posting a meaningful response. I genuinely appreciate it. To hopefully answer some of your questions:

The pain that I experience when trying to do things like socialize, or do most anything that I feel I "can't" do (bodily cues thing), can best be described as "some force that I cannot overcome"; Actually, a really good analogy is the force of a magnet that attracts certain objects. That is the best description I can think of; Its like some kind of maagnetic force that is greater than me. I apologize for the opaque language, but its very hard to articualte these feelings; I struggle to describe it to professionals.

With regards to food, I usually feel the "painful bodily cues" directly in my stomach area after I eat, and then the more I eat, the more intense the pain becomes, not just in my stomach, in other parts of my body, notably my extremities. The more I eat, the more I feel that my stomach is "being ripped out" of me. Also, the more I eat, usually, the more I begin to feel this tense "neutral or painful" tension/energy build up in my general being, which is very unpleasant.

No, I do not get "hunger" cravings for any type of food. I eat only natural, mostly if not completely unprocessed vegan foods. If I do get any hunger pains, maybe its in my stomach area, but it usually subsides when I decide to eat or go get food, so that when I eat, I feel like I'm shoveling it in for no reason, even though I feel I have to eat by then. With regards to eating, my mindset is usually "how can I do this without going through too much hell". Even though sometimes I do feel that some of the food I eat tastes good, it almost always causes me horrendous amounts of the aforementioned pain. With every drop of substance that I put into my body, I feel heavier and more sluggish, physically and maybe mentally too. On a side note: I kinda feel like food is a drug, because people usually eat it only if it has been salted, fried, greased up, completely altered.

Most if not everything I have posted here I have described or tried to describe to various professionals. I recently saw a psychiatrist and when I described the "bodily cues" thing and how I experience the eating process, she said something along the lines of "that's unusual", "that's interesting", or "that's weird" and nothing more as I recall. I have been seing a very intelligent (IMO) therapist for the past month, and he doesn't seem to have a real idea as to why I experience half of what I do, and I have told him everything and been completely honest with him. I saw another doctor one time, and she suggested something in "the schizophrenia spectrum", as I don't hallucinate, but am very paranoid, and maybe because of my eccentricities (don't know)? Its almost as if I am in a persistent chronic state of fight-or-flight mode. One therapist suggested I never grieved the loss of my father, but I honestly didn't feel like that was the real cause behind my problems, because I talk about it openly when prompted. I admit I miss him, and I know that his death was when life became a living hell for me, but..... I don't know.

Also, one other therapist, and one person whom I knew that was diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome, both that I had signs of Aspergers myself.
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Re: Autisic, Schizophrenic, and Depressive Symptoms?

Postby udaitaxim » Wed Dec 08, 2010 4:58 am

A live example of my eating experience:

I just ate some food, all vegan stuff: non salted canned tomato sauce, 6-7 slices of heated sprouted rice flour bread, 6 dolmas (stuffed grape leaves, low sodium), a few bosc pears, part of an organic apple, and half of a navel orange.

Right now, shortly after eating the above, I feel better now that I am writing about it online. I was feeling lots of pain before, but I think talking about it is helping somewhat. Before typing, I felt incredibly ill. My stomach felt painfully full and stretched out, and my mind wasn't working so well.
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Re: Autisic, Schizophrenic, and Depressive Symptoms?

Postby udaitaxim » Thu Dec 09, 2010 5:28 am

I had a better day today. I was able to eat without suffering most of the pain I normally feel, but, I still didn't feel satisfied. Maybe its because other areas of my life are screwed up.

Right now though, I'm having a really hard time with my paranoia. The thing is, for reasons I don't really understand, I ALWAYS feel like $#%^ when I am home. A year ago, my living situation itself was bad, and I kept thinking "If I get a safe place to live, everything will be okay. Well, I did get a safe place, and I still always feel bad at home. Even though my living situation was safe, I lived by myself; I started to think "Maybe I'll feel better if I get a roomate or two". Well lo and behold, I got a roommate whom I get along with well enough, and I still feel like $#%^ at home. For the past 10 - 15 minutes I was feeling very paranoid about my roommate. I couldn't seem to shake the disturbing thought of him hurting me. Now, those thoughts/feelings have somewhat subsided, but I still feel really empty inside.

Edited: Right now, I'm having stronger paranoia about my roomate. It seems to be the main natural feeling that I feel towards others. I'm scared that he will kick in my bedroom door while I sleep and kill me. I know this thought/feeling is somewhat or largely irrational, but its really strong right now. The sad part is that I would still feel like $#%^ even if this paranoia wasn't so strong right now.
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Re: Autisic, Schizophrenic, and Depressive Symptoms?

Postby watta » Sat Dec 11, 2010 11:12 am

When you were child, what have you been eating? I don´t believe you were "almost breatharian" from your first steps. I think this condition could be very well re-programmed. Most of us don´t know it, but if it concerns only about the hunger, we all are able to stay very longtime without food and without feeling any hunger, but first we would need to accodomate our bodies to it. It is nothing impossible. We eat because it is healthy for the energy flows (with our environment too) and hunger only help us to the will. To my opinion, it is probable if you solve first your eating problem it could lead to improving of your other symptoms, although it is clear the eating is not a cause of your symptoms.

To my opinion, it wouldn´t be there profound relation do the death of your father, even it could later influence your health conditions, but the case of your mother would be more interesting for finding the reason of your conditions.

You write you have recognized that your rituals were meaningless and detreimental to your well-being. How did you got it? Somebody gave you an advice to follow them or you found it by your own?

It seems obvious to me that your hidden cause is at least from the base is senzoric, I would think it is autism related, but autism is an umbrella concept for many conditions we just are not able recognize and differenciate at the moment. So because the knowledge is missing, it is clear no one could really say: "Oh, it is clear, that´s that one.", even psychiatrists, it is not their fault. I would definitely advise you to start immediately with medicaments. Are you on some medications? There are many which could help with your symptoms. You cannot leave them just to be if they are so several, it also seems you have real issues with paranoia and it could be dangerous in future for you or even for your neighbours.
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Re: Autisic, Schizophrenic, and Depressive Symptoms?

Postby shock_the_monkey » Sat Dec 11, 2010 1:56 pm

it sound to me very much like you're anarexic. you might be able to check this using this link ...

http://www.calculator.net/anorexic-bmi-calculator.html

... i'm fruitaian. i believe fats are essential for adequate brain function. i get mine from avocados and nuts. here's a useful website ...

http://www.iheartfruit.com/index.php

... if you're anorexic, you need to sort that out first before trying to understand any other psychiatric symptoms. as you posted in the aspergers syndrome forum, i don't get the impression you're aspie. to what extent your depression is linked to anorexia is anyone's guess. but it might be.

i won't be revisiting this thread. this isn't where i 'hang out'. if you have any question, feel free to PM me.
something knocked me out' the trees
now i'm on my knees
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

there is one thing you must be sure of
i can't take any more
... don't you know you're gonna shock the monkey

don't like it but i guess i'm learning

... shock the monkey to life
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Re: Autisic, Schizophrenic, and Depressive Symptoms?

Postby udaitaxim » Sun Dec 12, 2010 9:17 am

In respone to watta:

Thanks for the feedback. To answer some of your questions (hopefully): With regards to the specific OCD-like rituals/compulsions I did as a child, and my coming to recognize their negative impact on my life: At "some point" in recent years, I started to think objectively about these behaviors, and when I imagined watching myself or someone performing these behaviors, I felt that the behaviors had no meaning, and I realized that it wouldn't kill me or even hurt me to stop doing them.

With regards to the food, I am trying to find ways to lessen the pain when I eat. Its incredibly difficult for me, and it takes EVERY ounce of me to decrease the pain. I don't want to eat, but since I end up eating sooner or later, I might as well try to find some way to make the process more tolerable.

With regards to the autism thing: I agree with you that most information/knowledge/whatever with regards to things like mental illness and psychology is unknown, and so it follows that much about "autism" remains unknown. However, lately, in my desire for "answers" as to my condition(s), I have been gravitating towards something in the "autism spectrum" because I honestly think that it, or perhaps something like it (some kind of innate biological/neurological condition) would help explain alot.

With regards to my paranoia: Yes, I agree that I have a moderate to severe paranoia problem. However severe it is though, I know that I am not a danger to others, with regards to this, or with anyone really. I have NEVER been a danger to others (except maybe the family dog when I was a child). Even if I think they are trying to kill me, I never even CONSIDER harming them. Its simply not part of who/what I am, and I am grateful for it.
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