In A Bad Place

I'm struggling with depression at the moment. Life has been slamming me harder than usual. I don't know where to begin to explain everything so I won't. My life is complex and complicated with a lot of past traumas and abuse. My problem is that nothing seems to help and I have tried a LOT of things. I'm educated, self-aware, and emotionally intelligent, I read self-help books and I practice things. I've done a lot of therapy.

Why am I so depressed? Why do I hate my life? Why, after all that time and effort and work in therapy, do I still hate myself and nothing has changed? Why is everything so hard lately? It feels like I can't find anything that actually makes a difference. I recognize I'm stuck in my ways, but I really have put in an effort to change and do better, and it's led nowhere. I feel like a complete failure. I've been having breakdowns every day since last week. I'm...exhausted. Deeply exhausted from managing and coping for so long. They say there's a light at the end of the tunnel, but I haven't seen it. I've been unhappy for years no matter the changes and efforts I've made. It feels so hopeless right now.

How have you been doing lately?