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"Living isnt for everyone"

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"Living isnt for everyone"

Postby TheHiveMind » Wed Jul 07, 2021 11:05 am

I heard that quote somewhere and it stuck with me. Right now it really applies because no one wants me. I'm ether a means to an end, to much of a hassle or just a complication.
I know I'm just badly depressed. I was doing ok when I reached out for help and was talking to some professionals online. But they got frustrated with me constantly, not understanding what I was talking about or that I just needed to talk. They seemed to only be intrested if I was thinking suicide. No one understands BPD no one understands DID. I cant get help from the NHS because of family that work there. I cant afford private. I'm just a problem no one can be bothred to deal with.

Triggers*****suiside, death****


At least if I'm dead my so called partner can stay with the girl he is dating. He saids he wants to try again when it's possible to travel. But he cant deal with the distance, what's stopping him from coming here then going to her when he is back home. Nothing. Im mentally deranged but not stupid.
If I'm dead my parents can get that house they always wanted. Only reason dad likes keeping me around is so I can pay for them. I'm worthless and pointless otherwise.
I have nothing, I am nothing. I'm just a nobody who's only worth comes from the money I urn. Working overtime constantly for no other reason than to escape. Even if it leaves me so withered I cant do anything. Death sounds so good, to sleep forever.

Trigger ******end*****

Its just though. It's only ever thoughts. I'm just crippled with nothingness.
When boi fuzed, happed a while ago but I've just tried to ignore it. Hopped that he would re appear. So happy and joyfull. If he is part of me I'm ashamed because I cant be like him. I'm tired of fighting and getting no where. I'm not like syra who would always fight and pick themselves up. I'm so tired, no one cares. No one wants to care. I'm just here for others who dont want me.

Sorry if I upset anyone here
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Re: "Living isnt for everyone"

Postby Snaga » Wed Jul 07, 2021 2:10 pm

Hugs.

Well you're worth more than you feel at the moment. Intellectually, I know I am worth more, even if I don't feel like it (and I don't, so you're not alone).

I'd imagine they're required to keep asking about suicide. I recently got on Lexapro (three weeks ago, I really haven't noticed any changes yet other than I've lost my brain-to-mouth filter in forums and I am running sentences forever... like I just did) and of course, he told me he was required to ask if I had thoughts of harming myself or others.

I have OCD harm themes. Thoughts of suicide/killing sprees are kinda what I do, frequently- but I didn't know how understanding of that he'd be so we just sort of answered No. Only a half-lie- no serious thoughts of doing harm- I've managed to not act on them in over 40 years, so I think I'm pretty safe.

TheHiveMind wrote:At least if I'm dead my so called partner can stay with the girl he is dating.


Not to tell you what to do, but my kneejerk reaction is to have a bad attitude. To hell with a man that's doing that. And damn sure wouldn't give him the satisfaction of me being dead. More like, boy you need to make up your mind and I want an answer now.

TheHiveMind wrote:Working overtime constantly for no other reason than to escape.


Maybe I'm lazy, but I can think of other ways to escape that might be less exhausting. I lose myself in virtual worlds (entirely too much, it's an addiction). I.. find creative ways to waste my limited time on Earth. Actually I am trying to change and do some more healthy habits- I'm trying to kickstart walking every day- it does make a person feel pretty good, when I can make myself do it.

I think I understand the feeling of nothingness- I was already at that point, then my employer sacked the entire facility, leaving me... well, like you, my worth had been hinged on being able to support my partner monetarily- I feel as if I have little worth otherwise- I'm just too messed up. And now I don't even have that. Coasting along for a couple years then hardship is gonna hit if I don't get my tail in gear, and I'm just not motivated.

In OCD forum- people mouth suicide all the time. It's hard for me to judge outside of that forum, when folks talk of suicide. I like it that you say it's only ever thoughts- that's a good thing. Being OCD, ideating suicide is kinda like my thing. Most of the time it's just so much white noise. When my anxiety spikes it gets stronger and I see that in OCD forum all the time with others. I finally came up with my own theory about that, and tell folks in that forum look- you really don't want to kill yourself, you want to run away from yourself. And of course, no matter how fast you run, there you still are. So the brain gets frantic, looking for a way out- and suicide is the best it can come up with, that's all. No more, no less. That's what it comes up with in the moment. In the moment, because nothing is forever- including the anxiety, the hopelessness, the depression, etc. Nothing on this Earth is permanent. But your brain's feeling backed into a corner and that's just the place it goes.

And that... sort of defangs it a little, for me. I don't worry about having suicidal ideation because I know living organisms are you know, instincted (new word I just made up) to stay alive as long as possible. I don't really want to kill myself- I just want to run away and make the anxiety STOP. Which really isn't the same thing.

Make that man decide between you and another girl- that's on him, and nothing to do with you as a person. I don't know what to say about your parents. I'm hoping that you're looking through the lens of depression and it's really not all that with them.

Hang in there.
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Re: "Living isnt for everyone"

Postby TheHiveMind » Wed Jul 07, 2021 3:07 pm

Snaga wrote:Hugs.

Well you're worth more than you feel at the moment. Intellectually, I know I am worth more, even if I don't feel like it (and I don't, so you're not alone).

I'd imagine they're required to keep asking about suicide. I recently got on Lexapro (three weeks ago, I really haven't noticed any changes yet other than I've lost my brain-to-mouth filter in forums and I am running sentences forever... like I just did) and of course, he told me he was required to ask if I had thoughts of harming myself or others.

I have OCD harm themes. Thoughts of suicide/killing sprees are kinda what I do, frequently- but I didn't know how understanding of that he'd be so we just sort of answered No. Only a half-lie- no serious thoughts of doing harm- I've managed to not act on them in over 40 years, so I think I'm pretty safe.

TheHiveMind wrote:At least if I'm dead my so called partner can stay with the girl he is dating.


Not to tell you what to do, but my kneejerk reaction is to have a bad attitude. To hell with a man that's doing that. And damn sure wouldn't give him the satisfaction of me being dead. More like, boy you need to make up your mind and I want an answer now.

TheHiveMind wrote:Working overtime constantly for no other reason than to escape.


Maybe I'm lazy, but I can think of other ways to escape that might be less exhausting. I lose myself in virtual worlds (entirely too much, it's an addiction). I.. find creative ways to waste my limited time on Earth. Actually I am trying to change and do some more healthy habits- I'm trying to kickstart walking every day- it does make a person feel pretty good, when I can make myself do it.

I think I understand the feeling of nothingness- I was already at that point, then my employer sacked the entire facility, leaving me... well, like you, my worth had been hinged on being able to support my partner monetarily- I feel as if I have little worth otherwise- I'm just too messed up. And now I don't even have that. Coasting along for a couple years then hardship is gonna hit if I don't get my tail in gear, and I'm just not motivated.

In OCD forum- people mouth suicide all the time. It's hard for me to judge outside of that forum, when folks talk of suicide. I like it that you say it's only ever thoughts- that's a good thing. Being OCD, ideating suicide is kinda like my thing. Most of the time it's just so much white noise. When my anxiety spikes it gets stronger and I see that in OCD forum all the time with others. I finally came up with my own theory about that, and tell folks in that forum look- you really don't want to kill yourself, you want to run away from yourself. And of course, no matter how fast you run, there you still are. So the brain gets frantic, looking for a way out- and suicide is the best it can come up with, that's all. No more, no less. That's what it comes up with in the moment. In the moment, because nothing is forever- including the anxiety, the hopelessness, the depression, etc. Nothing on this Earth is permanent. But your brain's feeling backed into a corner and that's just the place it goes.

And that... sort of defangs it a little, for me. I don't worry about having suicidal ideation because I know living organisms are you know, instincted (new word I just made up) to stay alive as long as possible. I don't really want to kill myself- I just want to run away and make the anxiety STOP. Which really isn't the same thing.

Make that man decide between you and another girl- that's on him, and nothing to do with you as a person. I don't know what to say about your parents. I'm hoping that you're looking through the lens of depression and it's really not all that with them.

Hang in there.



Thank you for your kind words. Everywhere I turn I'm rejected in some manner.
Yes suicide is like that for me, just a way to escape the pain. When it gets to much, that's the first thought.

Everything is so complicated at the moment. Covid ruined everything. It's why my relashionship is in tatters. It's not as simple as him choosing which one. Never would be, would it. Because life isnt like that.
Really messed with my head how it dorsnt follow a logical pattern. There is no predicted outcome because I cant process it. I'm a mental wreck who cant think properly. I dont want to loose the only meaningful conection I've ever made with another human.
I'm ramberling. Wish some things were as black and white as my thinking, but the world is grey.

I like the quote in your signature by the way.
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Hosts: Syra/Nobody (any)
Others: Raven (he/him) Lou - little (she/her)
Persecuter: Shadow (he/him)
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Re: "Living isnt for everyone"

Postby Snaga » Wed Jul 07, 2021 10:33 pm

TheHiveMind wrote:I like the quote in your signature by the way.


Ah yes- found that somewhere and liked it.

And it does at least confuse, when you scream it in Klingon. Yes, of course I tried it!

Covid... ruined everything at first- at this point, I think it's ruining only places that choose to let it ruin them and the people living in them. Life has to go on eventually.

But for me it accelerated ruination that was already possibly in the cards. It was an excuse to shut down my place of work permanently. Meh.

TheHiveMind wrote:It's not as simple as him choosing which one. Never would be, would it. Because life isnt like that.


Why isn't it simple? It's as easy as an ultimatum. I've had them presented to me, before- and I chose wisely. Very simple, nothing complicated about it, when the unpleasant consequences for an unwise action are spelled out. It's been said that we get what we tolerate.

Granted, with multiples some might be more.. tolerating than others- so yeah I reckon the system needs to be on the same page. But.. if Momma ain't happy, no one is, and he needs to understand that.
Image

Tell someone today you love them, for Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, for Life is also confusing and terrifying.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
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