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Anxiety and depression

Postby ThatKind » Thu Feb 27, 2020 10:50 am

Guys hello :) I am new here because I needed someone to share my story with and psychiatrist are something I can't afford right now.
My whole problem begins with a break up , but please don't judge me. I know it is everyday thing and that I have to be stronger, but..


May 2019. I have had a boyfriend for 4 years, he was my best best friend. We had fun all the time, laughing, loving, everything was so easy. We didn't have to force anything. Everyone around us were saying that they wanted a relationship like ours. We had a long distance relationship, an hour away with a plane but we were seeing each other quite frequently and communicating all the time. I was during my med studies, he was studying economics there so it was actually good so we could focus on our education. Our plan was, after I finish med school, to come where he is and do my surgery specialization there. That was supposed to happen in January 2020.
 
Then, out of nowhere, he said that he wanted a break, but I didn't agree because I don't believe in breaks and he broke up with me. We were planning our summer vacation two days before, and just like that he decided he wanted to break up. The reason he said was because the distance was too much.. we had only 6 months left until I come there.
One week before that, he went out with friends that were visiting the town where he was and there was this girl he then met for the first time. A month after we broke up - they started seeing each other, they went on weekends together (that fast), they were buying gifts for each other, they even went public.. I had my doubts since the beginning but he was always denying them and lying. But then he confessed to me, said she was only sex ( yes, we were kind of communicating the whole time, mainly because we missed our friendship ). 6 months later, she told him she wanted a relationship, but he said to her that he couldn't let me go and that he wants to try again with me, that he never saw her as something more serious. And now we are on a track to get together again. 

But... After we broke up, I was devastated. I never ever expected something like that from him,he was always taking care of me. I felt like I lost the person I was closest too and the person who cared about me the most. I had suicide thoughts, I stopped hanging out with people.. This goes deeper, because my father was an alcoholic and physically abusive but died out of lung cancer, so I grow up learning how to take care of myself and I was quite individualistic person. Until I met him. Until he became my best friend and lover and I was like Hey ,relationships can actually work, someone can actually take care of me. And I never expected anything like this from him. Never. Ever. So I had a depression episode , I took antidepressants  but for two months only because they took away my concentration and focus.

He has showed me their last conversation, where he says to her that he chooses me and she says Oh give it a month with her and you will see that we are soulmates, ours was love at first sign...
I became obsessed with her,  she is prettier, she is more interesting, she is 4 years older then the both of us. She has always make up on. She is everything everything I am not.

I don't recognize myself. I feel like this face is not mine, this hair is not mine so why take care of it. These toxic thoughts were never something that I had. I was a strong person, I went through a lot in my childhood, and now I am ashamed of myself. I can't stand myself. I feel like I only bother people and that I am boring. I have friends that have happy relationships and I envy them. I feel soooo guilty about that. I love them, I want them to be happy but I envy anyone who has a happy relationship now.

 I feel like I am not worth it, because after a night of meeting her - he decided she is worth of throwing our relationship away. And they also became close real fast, they went on weekends together, they bought each other presents. he even came secretly for a weekend at her town to visit her.. Something he has never done for me and I was always asking for. He said that he wanted to do something rascal, that he never consider her as serious until 5 days ago he said that he remembered the time with her and he doesn't feel good. I don't know what that meant because he got angry and pulled away.
He says that he wants to end up with me, that we will work things out (we are not together, we are trying to work things out) but I am so scared that they are secretly communicating and that he will do that again and that I will not take it this time.

I love him. I don't feel joy in the things I used to, but I feel joy when I am with him. I feel like I am at home. Only sometimes home is haunted by ghosts.

I still think about ending my life mostly because I don't like who I have become.  I started having nightmares. Honestly I feel like everyone's life would be better off without me. Maybe no one will even notice if I am gone. Also I am scared that I will push him away with this behavior, because he says I am not the girl he fell in love with.. He is right. I really feel like I am not worth it.

She used to tell everyone that it was love at first sign, that they were soulmates - and I don't know why but I am afraid of this. I am afraid of this being true and I am afraid that he wants to get back together so that he can say that we gave it another try.. Also now I have moved away from my city so the time has come for our plans and that is also why he maybe wants to try again. Because this was our plan. She said that she would even move for him. I feel so stupid for having these thoughts but I am so tired. I just want to be me again.

Please don't judge me, I know people have worst problems, but I am so tired. I am begging God everyday to not wake up the next day. I want this to stop. I was always joyful, and brought the energy in the room. Even now people say that I am very positive person and that they can tell me everything and I listen to them and feel as if they are talking about someone else. How can you see me like that? I always wanted to be a surgeon but even the thought of that doesn't make me happy anymore.

He says my insecurity and low self esteem are taking away his energy... And that is why I am even more afraid that he is secretly communicating with her because she is more stable I guess..
I just want my head to stop. I want to feel good again, I want to be me again. I don't want to be afraid
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Re: Anxiety and depression

Postby jaus tail » Sun Mar 01, 2020 5:29 pm

But... After we broke up, I was devastated. I never ever expected something like that from him,he was always taking care of me. I felt like I lost the person I was closest too and the person who cared about me the most. I had suicide thoughts, I stopped hanging out with people..


how were you before you met him? i know its difficult but if he doesnt want to be with you, then you have to set him free and even yourself. instead of not hanging out with people, hang out with friends whom you can share your current situation with.
i'm not suggesting 'get over it' or 'move on' or 'party/drink' but an honest conversation with a friend has helped me at times.

I grow up learning how to take care of myself and I was quite individualistic person.


earlier even i used to think that i can take care of myself. in fact i had some pride over myself that i dont need anyone. but now i realize it was shallow. its ok to not ask for help, but its not ok to feel proud over it. cause then we're disrespecting those who ask for help. just as some people are physically strong, some are emotionally strong and some are emotionally weak and that's okay. its ok to ask for help. i'd rather have honest friends with whom i can share my challenge than wear a superman mask and proclaim to never complain in life.


I don't recognize myself. I feel like this face is not mine, this hair is not mine so why take care of it.


maybe you've changed now. A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions-a quote from google.

These toxic thoughts were never something that I had. I was a strong person, I went through a lot in my childhood, and now I am ashamed of myself. I can't stand myself. I feel like I only bother people and that I am boring. I have friends that have happy relationships and I envy them. I feel soooo guilty about that. I love them, I want them to be happy but I envy anyone who has a happy relationship now.


reminds myself in 2013. after i had a nervous breakdown i was missing my former self so much. i still do. i was the person who never whined, i was an achiever in life. what now i realize is that its ok to complain. its ok to be boring. its not your job to entertain others or wear a laughing face all the time. those are only for instagram status that 'be happy. yolo blah blah'

if i'm feeling low, i'm going to accept it and not go to a party and dance. if people think you bother them by telling them of your problem, then these people aren't your friends.

even i envy my friends. i've deleted my facebook profile and am not in touch with any of my old friends. i think now the envy is less, and its more regret as to even i could've been happy.

I feel like I am not worth it, because after a night of meeting her - he decided she is worth of throwing our relationship away. And they also became close real fast, they went on weekends together, they bought each other presents. he even came secretly for a weekend at her town to visit her.. Something he has never done for me and I was always asking for. He said that he wanted to do something rascal, that he never consider her as serious until 5 days ago he said that he remembered the time with her and he doesn't feel good. I don't know what that meant because he got angry and pulled away.
He says that he wants to end up with me, that we will work things out (we are not together, we are trying to work things out) but I am so scared that they are secretly communicating and that he will do that again and that I will not take it this time.


it sounds like either he loves her or he's doing this to make you feel jealous. i think you need to let him go for yourself. you deserve better. he's being a douche to you.

I love him. I don't feel joy in the things I used to, but I feel joy when I am with him. I feel like I am at home. Only sometimes home is haunted by ghosts.


its ok if you love him, but you also need to love yourself and stand up for yourself. today if you beg him to come to you, what if tomorrow he repeats the act with some other girl.

I still think about ending my life mostly because I don't like who I have become. I started having nightmares. Honestly I feel like everyone's life would be better off without me. Maybe no one will even notice if I am gone.


i dream of passing away in sleep. it really would be peaceful. eventually everyone will move on after a person's death. not sure if everyone's life would be better or worse. it's really not your job to make others lives better while you're alive.

Also I am scared that I will push him away with this behavior, because he says I am not the girl he fell in love with.. He is right. I really feel like I am not worth it.


i think he's a douche. if someone behaved with your child the way he is behaving with you, what would you say.
i used to be like you. i used to be apologetic for standing up for myself. once a bunch of guys bullied me n i had to say sorry for standing up for myself later. i became so submissive that if someone would tell me to wipe their shoes, i may have done that too. i was a beggar of validation. later i realized that true friends dont make each other uncomfortable. friends dont do that. friends dont leave each other in the lurch. now my regret is not standing up for myself sooner.

She used to tell everyone that it was love at first sign, that they were soulmates - and I don't know why but I am afraid of this. I am afraid of this being true and I am afraid that he wants to get back together so that he can say that we gave it another try.. Also now I have moved away from my city so the time has come for our plans and that is also why he maybe wants to try again. Because this was our plan. She said that she would even move for him. I feel so stupid for having these thoughts but I am so tired. I just want to be me again.


i'm sorry you're going through this. but please dont do anything impulsive like beg him or seduce him. acknowledge the memory and pain and let them pass. it will pass eventually. happily ever after rarely happens in real life. maybe you'll find some other guy. be happy for him and let it go. dont do anything impulsive like i did. you survived for so many years before you met him, you will survive now too. if he's gone then let him go... for your own sake. cherish the good memories maybe.

Please don't judge me, I know people have worst problems, but I am so tired. I am begging God everyday to not wake up the next day. I want this to stop. I was always joyful, and brought the energy in the room. Even now people say that I am very positive person and that they can tell me everything and I listen to them and feel as if they are talking about someone else. How can you see me like that? I always wanted to be a surgeon but even the thought of that doesn't make me happy anymore.


it really isnt in your job profile to make others happy or be the life of a party/room. this is god complex wherein i feel that i will cheer the other person up. i used to have this. it really is ok to not entertain people. first priority should be yourself and then others. if you dont feel like going to a party then dont go rather than go and later be proud that you sacrificed your selfish mood for a party. my aunt used to do that n it was irritating. please dont think i'm being rude. i'm just being honest that its not anyone responsibility to cheer the other person up. at times an honest conversation is much helpful than a cheerful episode of 'friends' or 'big bang theory'

i understand that you dont want to be a surgeon now, but please dont abandon it. pursue the degree and education till the end. cause one day or a month or a year later these emotions will fade but you will have a good degree and career. i have made this mistake but leaving jobs or education midway wont solve anything. it only looks better to quit but it wont help.

He says my insecurity and low self esteem are taking away his energy... And that is why I am even more afraid that he is secretly communicating with her because she is more stable I guess..
I just want my head to stop. I want to feel good again, I want to be me again. I don't want to be afraid


i think he's being insensitive in not helping you. you need to cut all contact with him. if only we could go back in time... crying helps me at times. take care...

its ok to be afraid. its not helpful to wear a mask of courage when in danger.
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Re: Anxiety and depression

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Mar 01, 2020 7:32 pm

I have another take on this, just as a possibility. It might be that he is still somewhat immature, and had difficulty with the distance and also with the idea of settling down with you. He might have wanted to see what it would be like with someone else, and has now proved to himself that you are the one for him. He didn't keep the new relationship a secret from you, and he didn't try to see her on the side while he was still going out with you. He broke up with you, tried this new relationship, and now realizes that you are truly the one he wants to spend his life with.

I hear the difficulties you're having with what happened, and it seems like it's brought up a lot of childhood trauma. Can you get therapy when you go to your new location? There is a lot that you have to work out on your own, I think, before you can handle returning to a serious relationship with him (if that's what you and he still want). It's better to work that stuff out now since it's causing so much difficulty for you.

I'm speaking from experience, although I was the one who couldn't settle down and be committed--I needed to try out other relationships before I realized that the guy I broke up with was really the one for me. He and I have been married now for over 30 years and have 3 children.

It seems like you both have issues that need to be worked out, but if you believe he is the right guy for you, then do what you can to work out the issues you have that are interfering with your happiness.
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Re: Anxiety and depression

Postby ThatKind » Mon Mar 02, 2020 1:07 pm

jaus tail wrote:
But... After we broke up, I was devastated. I never ever expected something like that from him,he was always taking care of me. I felt like I lost the person I was closest too and the person who cared about me the most. I had suicide thoughts, I stopped hanging out with people..


how were you before you met him? i know its difficult but if he doesnt want to be with you, then you have to set him free and even yourself. instead of not hanging out with people, hang out with friends whom you can share your current situation with.
i'm not suggesting 'get over it' or 'move on' or 'party/drink' but an honest conversation with a friend has helped me at times.

I grow up learning how to take care of myself and I was quite individualistic person.


earlier even i used to think that i can take care of myself. in fact i had some pride over myself that i dont need anyone. but now i realize it was shallow. its ok to not ask for help, but its not ok to feel proud over it. cause then we're disrespecting those who ask for help. just as some people are physically strong, some are emotionally strong and some are emotionally weak and that's okay. its ok to ask for help. i'd rather have honest friends with whom i can share my challenge than wear a superman mask and proclaim to never complain in life.


I don't recognize myself. I feel like this face is not mine, this hair is not mine so why take care of it.


maybe you've changed now. A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions-a quote from google.

These toxic thoughts were never something that I had. I was a strong person, I went through a lot in my childhood, and now I am ashamed of myself. I can't stand myself. I feel like I only bother people and that I am boring. I have friends that have happy relationships and I envy them. I feel soooo guilty about that. I love them, I want them to be happy but I envy anyone who has a happy relationship now.


reminds myself in 2013. after i had a nervous breakdown i was missing my former self so much. i still do. i was the person who never whined, i was an achiever in life. what now i realize is that its ok to complain. its ok to be boring. its not your job to entertain others or wear a laughing face all the time. those are only for instagram status that 'be happy. yolo blah blah'

if i'm feeling low, i'm going to accept it and not go to a party and dance. if people think you bother them by telling them of your problem, then these people aren't your friends.

even i envy my friends. i've deleted my facebook profile and am not in touch with any of my old friends. i think now the envy is less, and its more regret as to even i could've been happy.

I feel like I am not worth it, because after a night of meeting her - he decided she is worth of throwing our relationship away. And they also became close real fast, they went on weekends together, they bought each other presents. he even came secretly for a weekend at her town to visit her.. Something he has never done for me and I was always asking for. He said that he wanted to do something rascal, that he never consider her as serious until 5 days ago he said that he remembered the time with her and he doesn't feel good. I don't know what that meant because he got angry and pulled away.
He says that he wants to end up with me, that we will work things out (we are not together, we are trying to work things out) but I am so scared that they are secretly communicating and that he will do that again and that I will not take it this time.


it sounds like either he loves her or he's doing this to make you feel jealous. i think you need to let him go for yourself. you deserve better. he's being a douche to you.

I love him. I don't feel joy in the things I used to, but I feel joy when I am with him. I feel like I am at home. Only sometimes home is haunted by ghosts.


its ok if you love him, but you also need to love yourself and stand up for yourself. today if you beg him to come to you, what if tomorrow he repeats the act with some other girl.

I still think about ending my life mostly because I don't like who I have become. I started having nightmares. Honestly I feel like everyone's life would be better off without me. Maybe no one will even notice if I am gone.


i dream of passing away in sleep. it really would be peaceful. eventually everyone will move on after a person's death. not sure if everyone's life would be better or worse. it's really not your job to make others lives better while you're alive.

Also I am scared that I will push him away with this behavior, because he says I am not the girl he fell in love with.. He is right. I really feel like I am not worth it.


i think he's a douche. if someone behaved with your child the way he is behaving with you, what would you say.
i used to be like you. i used to be apologetic for standing up for myself. once a bunch of guys bullied me n i had to say sorry for standing up for myself later. i became so submissive that if someone would tell me to wipe their shoes, i may have done that too. i was a beggar of validation. later i realized that true friends dont make each other uncomfortable. friends dont do that. friends dont leave each other in the lurch. now my regret is not standing up for myself sooner.

She used to tell everyone that it was love at first sign, that they were soulmates - and I don't know why but I am afraid of this. I am afraid of this being true and I am afraid that he wants to get back together so that he can say that we gave it another try.. Also now I have moved away from my city so the time has come for our plans and that is also why he maybe wants to try again. Because this was our plan. She said that she would even move for him. I feel so stupid for having these thoughts but I am so tired. I just want to be me again.


i'm sorry you're going through this. but please dont do anything impulsive like beg him or seduce him. acknowledge the memory and pain and let them pass. it will pass eventually. happily ever after rarely happens in real life. maybe you'll find some other guy. be happy for him and let it go. dont do anything impulsive like i did. you survived for so many years before you met him, you will survive now too. if he's gone then let him go... for your own sake. cherish the good memories maybe.

Please don't judge me, I know people have worst problems, but I am so tired. I am begging God everyday to not wake up the next day. I want this to stop. I was always joyful, and brought the energy in the room. Even now people say that I am very positive person and that they can tell me everything and I listen to them and feel as if they are talking about someone else. How can you see me like that? I always wanted to be a surgeon but even the thought of that doesn't make me happy anymore.


it really isnt in your job profile to make others happy or be the life of a party/room. this is god complex wherein i feel that i will cheer the other person up. i used to have this. it really is ok to not entertain people. first priority should be yourself and then others. if you dont feel like going to a party then dont go rather than go and later be proud that you sacrificed your selfish mood for a party. my aunt used to do that n it was irritating. please dont think i'm being rude. i'm just being honest that its not anyone responsibility to cheer the other person up. at times an honest conversation is much helpful than a cheerful episode of 'friends' or 'big bang theory'

i understand that you dont want to be a surgeon now, but please dont abandon it. pursue the degree and education till the end. cause one day or a month or a year later these emotions will fade but you will have a good degree and career. i have made this mistake but leaving jobs or education midway wont solve anything. it only looks better to quit but it wont help.

He says my insecurity and low self esteem are taking away his energy... And that is why I am even more afraid that he is secretly communicating with her because she is more stable I guess..
I just want my head to stop. I want to feel good again, I want to be me again. I don't want to be afraid


i think he's being insensitive in not helping you. you need to cut all contact with him. if only we could go back in time... crying helps me at times. take care...

its ok to be afraid. its not helpful to wear a mask of courage when in danger.





First of all, thank you sooo much for the profound reply! You have no idea how much your wordswere helpful to me. Thank you thank you. I feel glad that the world has people like you and I am glad your friends have you as a friend :)
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Re: Anxiety and depression

Postby ThatKind » Mon Mar 02, 2020 1:09 pm

TheGangsAllHere wrote:I have another take on this, just as a possibility. It might be that he is still somewhat immature, and had difficulty with the distance and also with the idea of settling down with you. He might have wanted to see what it would be like with someone else, and has now proved to himself that you are the one for him. He didn't keep the new relationship a secret from you, and he didn't try to see her on the side while he was still going out with you. He broke up with you, tried this new relationship, and now realizes that you are truly the one he wants to spend his life with.

I hear the difficulties you're having with what happened, and it seems like it's brought up a lot of childhood trauma. Can you get therapy when you go to your new location? There is a lot that you have to work out on your own, I think, before you can handle returning to a serious relationship with him (if that's what you and he still want). It's better to work that stuff out now since it's causing so much difficulty for you.

I'm speaking from experience, although I was the one who couldn't settle down and be committed--I needed to try out other relationships before I realized that the guy I broke up with was really the one for me. He and I have been married now for over 30 years and have 3 children.

It seems like you both have issues that need to be worked out, but if you believe he is the right guy for you, then do what you can to work out the issues you have that are interfering with your happiness.



your point of view is exactly what he says. I honestly I do believe that. Its just that there is so much to work on and sometimes I feel like he will give up along the way because I am a mess. Thank you so much for making time to answer and help me! :)
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Re: Anxiety and depression

Postby jaus tail » Wed Mar 04, 2020 5:53 pm

ThatKind wrote:First of all, thank you sooo much for the profound reply! You have no idea how much your wordswere helpful to me. Thank you thank you. I feel glad that the world has people like you and I am glad your friends have you as a friend :)


Thanks for this. However I am not glad for the horrible set of friends i had. they bullied me like $#%^ n i took it all in the name of 'friendship'

i dont want you to repeat the same mistake.

the biggest friendship/relationship one has is with oneself. i lost that because i was:
1) scared of being alone
2) wanted to live in a make-believe world where i have friends

i had this illusion like the sitcom 'friends' or 'any random tv show on friendship' n i idealized my colleagues.

my therapist asked me to revisit those times and see it from third person. now i realize how wrong i was and how toxic those people were to me.


i dont want to cause your break up just for the sake of it, but i just want you to not be in my position where you lose yourself just to be with someone.

i think he's treating you the way my friends treated me n if i could go back to the first time my friends treated me badly i'd run away from them rightaway.

we all deserve to be treated with respect.
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Re: Anxiety and depression

Postby ThatKind » Thu Mar 05, 2020 1:15 pm

update: We were trying to work things out, right? And yesterday he said that he has been feeling again emotionally dead and doesn't feel anything(especially towards me) and bla bla bla, and wants us to come up with a solution.
And when I asked him now if we are not together will he go back to that girl he was two months ago, after us, he said Who knows ....................
I feel soooooo worthless, I feel like he saw what being with me again feels and chose her because she is so much more........ I am worthless, I can't make anyone stay or love me.
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Re: Anxiety and depression

Postby jaus tail » Fri Mar 06, 2020 6:41 pm

ThatKind wrote:I feel soooooo worthless, I feel like he saw what being with me again feels and chose her because she is so much more........ I am worthless, I can't make anyone stay or love me.


Your worth is not determined by him or anyone else. i have written my achievements on a page. that helps me. you would also have some:
college marksheets
memories with true friends before you met him
part time jobs
house chores
hobbies

you're becoming a doctor. the biggest responsibility we have is toward ourselves.
i strongly recommend seeing a therapist. my friend treated me like $#%^ n i was still craving for his validation/appreciation/friendship. so much that even if (hypothetically) they had told me to wipe their boots, i'd do that
now i realize how unfair i was toward 'MYSELF'

i was in support group today n one guy said it takes 2 years of change neural pathways.

its ok if you cant snap out of it easily, but you have to realize and accept that how he is behaving toward you is now how friends behave.
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Re: Anxiety and depression

Postby jaus tail » Sat Mar 07, 2020 6:19 am

Typo:
How he is behaving toward you is not how friends behave.
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Re: Anxiety and depression

Postby ThatKind » Wed Mar 11, 2020 9:39 am

turns out he has been in contact with her the whole time while ;we were trying to work things out;....
and we separated because he said he is feeling emotionally dead (again) and I have found out this about her yesterday... He even said ; I will contact you when I get better ;. wtf, why doesn't he chose her already if he wants her so much.
I know I know it is irrational but I feel so not good enough. Like he was with me, sleeping next to me, trying to work things out but in the end, he decided that she is better than me and worth it. I wasn't.
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