Our partner

Loneliness & how to deal with it

Depression message board, open discussion, and online support group.

Moderator: Snaga

Loneliness & how to deal with it

Postby bobwilson54 » Fri Nov 29, 2019 6:54 am

I'm self employed and I've read so many articles & have been given advice about loneliness by so many "experts" over the years, and they all say things like:

- join a club
- spend time with friends
- make friends at the gym
- go out and chat to people
- call family
- host a dinner party
- talk to neighbours
- make online friends

... but none of these "experts" seems to realise that if any of the above were an option, the person likely wouldn't be lonely in the first place! It's infuriating.

I'm self employed and I'm naturally a person with decent people skills, I'm sociable almost anyone would assume I have friends. After I became self employed, all my friends left the area.

I lived in an area where people were of a certain "type" and were closed minded to anyone not of that same type. No matter how friendly I was to anyone, they were dismissive of me. It was impossible to make friends- our education & backgrounds were so completely different.. not to mention class. It seems that class segregation is a huge problem in many parts of the UK. Even if you don't conform to a "class" in the traditional sense- many people will assume you do & not want to know you or even talk to you. I became so suicidally depressed & so so so lonely. I would literally go for weeks or months without contact with even a soul. I absolutely loved my home - it was a dream home but the area & people were so friendly toward each other but isolating and aggressive toward me that I ended up selling my beloved home & moving after years of misery & failed attempts at therapy /CBT etc.

Then I moved to an area with better transport links where I was "perceived" as the same "class" / "background" as the locals- and everything changed! My home wasn't ideal but suddenly I was respected & treated me like an equal. I was able to make friends & able to do things because of the transport links.

My point here is that the advice people give on loneliness is so often inflexible & presumptuous, and doesn't recognise the fact that depression, loneliness, and other mental illnesses / problems aren't always possible to change *internally* and sometimes require external changes, such as moving area.

I'm going to go through the above and point out how ridiculous they are in many situations:

- join a club
This isn't 1970 where hobby clubs existed around every corner- even in a big city, it's nigh-on impossible to find a suitable "club" especially if your interests aren't mainstream. In fact, outside university I've never heard of or seen any club, or met anyone who goes to one. Even decades ago in university, no one I knew went to a club, and no one knew of any.

-go to the library
Going to the local library from my experience never helps, and only makes you feel even worse because these days they're not full of the type of people I get along with (good people skills, sociable, young at heart)- in fact, the only age I ever saw in the local libraries in today's day and age was 60+ or children.

- spend time with friends
Most people who suffer loneliness don't have friends!!!!! That's the point ! Infuriating suggestion. :?

- make friends at the gym
I have tried making friends at the gym in many different parts of the UK, but people *never* want to chat- they all want to get on with their workout and leave, and I don't blame them. In fact, if you try to talk to people, they'll actively avoid you. If your experience is different to this, then perhaps you're in a different area- not all areas are the same.

- go out and chat to people
Even in the friendliest areas, out of the thousands of times I've chatted to strangers outside, 0 times has it ended up in friendship- it's extremely rare, and so rare in fact that it is silly to even suggest it as a friend making idea. However, most lonely people don't live in a "friendly" area, hence the reason why they're lonely! When I went outside to chat with people, I got chased down the street, almost beaten up, and at best- people would ignore me & walk off. Where I live at the moment, I'm surrounded by anti-social people who do not like talking to each other. If I try and talk with them, they get extremely irritated. It all depends on the area. When I lived in a "friendly" area, I could talk to people- but the locals were a different age group to me and they never ended up as friends and I never saw them again, no matter how often I went out.

- call family
Many lonely people don't have family- that's why they're lonely! If they did, they wouldn't need someone to tell them to "call family"- they'd have thought of it themselves already! Ridiculous suggestion.

- host a dinner party
See above.. people who are lonely don't have friends & therefore any dinner party they host is going to be attended by imaginary friends.

- talk to neighbours
Not all neighbours are the type you see on the australian soap opera "neighbours" where you can say hi & strike up a conversation. Where I used to live, neighbours wouldn't even acknowledge my existance & if I said "hi" they'd actively avoid me... if I tried to force friendliness onto them, they'd get visibly angry and run back inside their housees. Currently where I live, my neighbours are aggressive. The first time I moved in, my neighbour on the right knocked on my door- I thought to welcome me to the area- but it was to shout and swear at me because some dust came out of my front door and onto his car. He's the type who swears in every other sentence. Any attempt I make to be friendly with him seems to fail- and I don't enjoy the whole swearing every other word thing. The neighbours on the left either ignore me when I say hi, grimace and look angrily at me, or, if I keep trying to talk to them, they'll get angry. The people where I live right now are extremely anti-social, and any attempts at being friendly with them just backfires- you end up with loads of letters through your door asking you to pay builders to modify your house or garden walls because they don't like how it "looks".. which when you have no money, is impossible.

- make online friends
if online friends staved off loneliness then no one would ever be lonely. We are social animals & can't survive without human contact.

- find lodgers
Only who have ever actually tried interviewing or having lodgers in this area seem to understand that once you have them, all you want is to be alone again. They are aggressive & just as anti-social as the locals.


I've spoken to a lot of people who suffered loneliness and in many cases the only way they solved it was by moving. My point is, at least from my experience, loneliness can't always be solved internally- sometimes it's external factors that are out of your control, and only until you're in a position to move area will things improve.

The above ideas so many experts have, only show the fact they themselves have never truly experienced extreme loneliness themselves.
bobwilson54
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Nov 29, 2019 4:17 am
Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 7:23 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: Loneliness & how to deal with it

Postby bobwilson54 » Fri Nov 29, 2019 1:34 pm

Apologies for the grammatical errors above, struggled to re-read it as I've not had much sleep!

The point I was trying to make was that loneliness isn't an internal factor in my life- it can be correlated directly with location in the UK, transport links & the culture of locals in that location.

I tried moving areas a few times & it didn't work -- I was still lonely-- until I moved to a decent area with friendly types & good transport.

I can also directly correlate my depression, headaches & health with the area I live. There are a lot of depressive areas in the UK.

The funny part is that when you're depressed, people try to give you advice.. but when you're happy they ask for advice. The irony is you're still the same person - the only difference is your life circumstances. (unless you're depressed because of internal factors)

I was depressed for decades, constantly moving around searching for somewhere I could be happy. I've always been targeted by thugs or excluded by people. My depression lasted so long that people assumed it was something wrong with me. However, I then moved to an area where I was suddenly so happy because it was safe & the locals accepted me for who I am.. they were educated, buildings were pretty & there were loads of resources (swimming pool etc) and great transport links nearby. Within a few months, people saw the changes in me and would say things like "wow you look so different! what happened? You look like a different person! Your face shape and body has changed.".. I would reply "I live somewhere I'm happy.". I don't understand why it's so hard for people to believe it.

At that time, they suddenly started asking my advice about their lives.. as if I had all the answers.

My life circumstances changed and I had to move again- now I'm in an area that makes me so thoroughly depressed. Once again, everyone started offering me advice. It's ironic. They don't realise that so much of life is down to luck, and just because you're happy / depressed, doesn't necessarily mean you manufactured it yourself.

I'm now stuck here for reasons I won't go into. I've spent the last 2 years trying to either make a good life for myself here or to escape- neither is working & I know exactly why. It's a dump. The friends I made in other areas don't even want to visit me here because it takes so long to get to & is too boring, noisy & depressing when you're here. There's nothing to do and no peace or quiet & local people are unfriendly & aggressive.

But I know it's nothing wrong with me- it's the unfriendly people, the loud road noise, lack of transport & resources.

Human beings have basic needs in life and if where you live doesn't meet those needs you will be depressed- it doesn't matter who you are.

I hope one day I can escape this dump and get back to living somewhere decent where I won't be depressed anymore.
bobwilson54
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Nov 29, 2019 4:17 am
Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 7:23 am
Blog: View Blog (0)

Re: Loneliness & how to deal with it

Postby Violet46 » Fri Dec 06, 2019 2:07 pm

I have been very lonely at times and it has made me do things which are not healthy sometimes, for example talking to unsavoury characters. Though I find now that a way to help with the feelings like that is to enjoy being at home, for example cooking food you like and enjoying it, then if someone else talks to you, you can invite them to enjoy the food you like. Though obviously I am still not a social wizz.
Violet46
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 32
Joined: Mon Oct 16, 2017 1:04 pm
Local time: Fri Dec 13, 2019 7:23 am
Blog: View Blog (2)


Return to Clinical Depression Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 15 guests