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Self worth and expression? (long vent)

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Self worth and expression? (long vent)

Postby Neari » Thu Jan 17, 2019 10:57 pm

I never feel like I am good enough. I've never felt like I was good enough and I've always felt worthless. I think it starts from my dad, who I've always just wanted to please. He's been working hard his entire life, and he's always said things that made me feel like Im not good enough or that made me seem like I'm the bad side and I'm always the one that has to end up feeling guilty and wrong. So I was never able to please him, so I've always strived for perfectionism subconsciously, and I've always found that whenever an authority figure, like a teacher, would criticize me, I always feel this weird hurt. It's like I want to do everything good and I feel like I'm not supposed to make a mistake. And when I am criticised, I tell myself all the things like 'its okay' and 'youre good enough' and 'you don't have to be perfect' but I feel like it doesn't sink down and I still feel inadequate. I also don't feel good enough because I just don't feel good enough as a person. I feel like I'm not good enough in art, my drawings are stuff and proportions all wrong, not good enough in dance, I'm so stiff and awkward in dancing, and not in writing, talking, socializing, etc. I never feel good enough, I never feel pretty enough, I always feel like my flaws are the worst a human could have, and I feel like the worst person in the world because I have so much trouble expressing myself. Everyone around seem to be doing great and talking normally and I get anxiety with just eye contact with a person, and the littlest things that people seem to be able to do normally. And I'm so tired of myself for never feeling good enough, and not being able to express myself. And I spent my whole live giving and giving to my older sister because she was the depressed one and I had to comfort her, feel sympathy for her, and all that, and I never took care of myself. And when I started going through difficult times and tried to talk with her about it, she would bring my problems back to her and talk about her own problems, and I still feel angry deep down, at her for that, for all her selfishness in our relationship, for not giving back. And now today she's all happy and self-improvement and I'm still here stuck, not knowing how to express myself, and I don't feel comfortable expressing my feelings to others because I'm just so used to listening and listening to someone else's problems (my sister). Today I am always thinking about how something I do could be affecting someone else because I'm always scared that I'm a burden to someone. I'm scared to tell my feelings to others because I'm afraid I will be like how my sister was like to me. And I don't have a lot of friends at all, so I feel like I don't have anyone there for me like I am for anyone, but I feel like I'm not supposed to be telling my problems, and tatI should always be the one listening. I have 2 close friends, but I'm scared of getting too close for some reason, and one of them drains me a bit. I'm always scared my friends will leave me, as that has happened before multiple times in the past, and it hurts, but I know it was because of me each time. The only person I could potentially feel okay with telling my emotions and everything to, is another sister of mine, she was the first person I've ever vented to, and that was only a few years ago. We've always been super close because she's only a year older than me, and we've shared our entire childhood together. But now, we're still close, but she hangs out with her friends all the time, and I don't feel as special to her anymore, and it hurts because she's still really special in my life, but I'm not in hers. I only see her in the mornings and weekends nowadays because she's always coming back from hanging out with her friends by the time I'm asleep. And even when she is here or next to me, she's always busy with something else or on her phone. On her phone all the time, talking to someone else because she's such an amazing person and has a lot of friends, everywhere. So now I'm just not feel like I'm good enough. My sister who I've felt has been selfish to me is now up and about, all happy, and good with everything in her life, she has the perfect body, mindset, everyone likes her, and if something goes wrong with her, I still feel like Im supposed to be the one who listens again, and feel sorry and worthless and again until she gets back up and I'm still feeling worthless, and that my problems don't matter. I'm sorry this vent has been so long, I've just got so much going on right now that I just needed to vent out what I've been feeling and thinking about. I've been trying to forgive her, forgive my dad, and I'm getting there. I just want to be happy, I just want everyone to be happy. It means that world to me if someone out there has read all my jumbles emotions and thoughts. Thank you for reading this all. ♥️
Neari
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