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Long-term Depression plus sudden Bereavement

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Long-term Depression plus sudden Bereavement

Postby kavajava » Sun Nov 18, 2018 11:16 pm

I already have Major Depressive Disorder and a bunch of other problems that have keeping me from beng functional or productive lately. But recently, thing got much, much worse. My beloved cat is missing and is unlikely to return at this point based on time he's been missing and knowledge of his habits. My family and I have done all we can, walking and driving around looking for and calling for the cat, telling all the neighbors, posting lost cat photos around the neighborhood, etc. With my cat's age and timid nature taken into account, he is probably already met his end from the freezing cold nights recently or from the numerous stray dogs and cats in my apartment complex.

I'm sure everyone fond of their pet(s), but for me this "pet" is family. I love him as much as my human family. Therefore, I have lost a family member. I cannot get out of bed, or shower, or eat properly, or think clearly, or hold conversations. I cry all day, unless I stay busy watching anime or reading something interesting. I cry at night when I'm trying to go to sleep and in the morning when I wake and remember that he is no longer here.

In a sense, I am handling things much better than I would have 2 years ago, before I got on antidepressants and mood stabilizers. Normally I would resort to self-destructive acts like using drugs or injuring myself. I would end up in the all-too-familiar psych ward. However, with my therapist and my dad really being there for me, I don't think I'll do anything that desperate. I gave dad my knives and razors (and my credit card so I don't take out lots of cash for drugs). Unlike losses that have affected me in the past, I am neither actively suicidal, nor plagued with suicidal ideation all day every day. (That's how it used to be.) However, I still wish I was dead when I stop to think about it. I do not believe there is anything in the universe that can make this digusting life remotely "worth it."

I love my dad and my sisters, so I can't/won't kill myself. But that doesn't mean I know how the f*ck to live now. I stay in my room and I don't see anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I'm sleeping for long long amount of time to avoid the agony of being awake. I stay in bed. What am I supposed to do? I can't imagine trying to return to a productive lifestlye without that cat. He was my best friend and very much like my child. I'd like it if some people could respond and tell me what you think.
Dx: high-functioning Borderline Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, severe Social Anxiety, long-term Major Depressive Disorder, and severe innattentive-type ADHD.
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kavajava
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