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I feel like I'm faked my depression / it's my fault

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I feel like I'm faked my depression / it's my fault

Postby Kip » Thu Sep 27, 2018 10:33 pm

I feel like I faked my depression all along. I started suspecting it when I was 11- I was coming to terms with my sexual identity and lost some personal friendships which left me feeling lonely, deeply hurting, hating myself, isolated, and suicidal. And my dad was narcissistic, that too. I thought it would go away normally but it lasted for weeks. I self-diagnosed using online symptom checkers before I got my official diagnosis for situational depression a few months later.

It hurt a lot. I didn't want to have it. Yet at the same time I handled it so poorly. I wallowed in self pity. I had a huge victim mentality, sometimes I blamed others for all my problems, and then other times blamed myself for everything. I whined and complained a lot, one could say the things I said sounded like what an emo kid would. I had attention-seeking tendencies, I was not vocal about the things I was going through but I always had a mopey face on, hoping someone would notice I was hurting and come to show me love, care, and affection. If anyone did I usually turned them away though. Sometimes my attention seeking was dramatic though, such as asking my classmates how they would feel if I was gone. Or acting like an overall downer and pessimist in front of my peers.

A lot of my pain was self-inflicted. I jumped to conclusions, and often unconsciously pushed myself to feel worse as a form of self-sabotage, or simply because I was getting so used to my bad feelings they became a "blanket" of sorts and I was scared to get leave. I wanted to get better but I purposely hindered my recovery, finding new reasons to feel upset about something. It felt like it was becoming part of my identity. Bottom line, I did a lot of things to myself a me caused my own problems. I never listened to advice or tried to change things. I plunged myself deeper. I was still capable of feeling joy and soothing myself but I didn't take advantage of it.

I used to cut after I saw others doing it. It was a form of self-punishment but also it was a way of showing how I felt on the outside, and I took some sort of sick pride in them, not wanting them to heal. (They're healed now and I'm thankful.) But I also hid them, because I was scared of getting in trouble. I didn't want anyone to know. I used to hang out with these really toxic girls who were open about their issues. Their behaviors rubbed off on me and I used to tag about how long my scars lasted. I feel sick looking back on it.

I wanted to kill myself but I was too cowardly to. The worst I ever done was attempt to choke myself to death with a scarf. Petty I know. And I actually considered that an attempt knowing it would fail. Yuck. I feel like I overplayed my symptoms, my sleeping and fatigue wasn't as bad as I thought it was, nor was my concentration or weight. I also used to think I had panic attacks, but now after actually having them they are much worse than I imagined them to be.

I used to think that I needed someone to save me from the way I was feeling. There was this one person who had depression much worse than me but sacrificed their time to help me with mine. I deeply idolized them and craved for their love and affection and attention specifically. I used to vent about my problems all the time, I was very dependent on them, the conversation was always about me and I never helped them out with their problems because I was scared of triggering them. But even when they brought it up, somehow it always went back to me. I was so selfish/-absorbed/-centered and whiny that eventually I drove them away.

I used to have a secret vent account. Not for attention, just to drop my baggage. I had a picture of my scars (not bloody) not for attention, but as a vent as well. I posted a lot of depression quotes because I related to them and it made me feel better in a way, but it wasn't exactly healthy. Sometimes I'm scared I was just romanticizing though.

I had another account on a drawing app (separate from my personal social media) where I'd make a post whenever I felt sad and needed help and consolation. I made a lot of people worried about me. Eventually I cried wolf so many times nobody helped anymore. I can't recall, but I think someone accused me of faking or seeking attention once.

The first phase of my depression was a huge pity party, I never tried to change my outlook for the better. Not even my birthday party or Christmas could make me feel better. I was so selfish and bratty. It was an emotional, teary-eyed roller coaster with so, so much crying and feeling misunderstood.

That was until I was 12 and moved to a new school for a fresh start. Suddenly, like a light switch, my emotions went numb. My ability to physiologically feel positive feelings like joy or pleasure at all diminished. I felt empty and disconnected from my body, sense of self, and surroundings. Since then I've been in limbo, and time felt like it was passing too fast. Certain people are stuck in my brain. And my emotions are blunted. And the self-deprecating thoughts I used to hammer into my head became core beliefs, my truth, not just a way of emotional self-harm. The zest of life is overall hard to connect with again. And, I just don't talk to people about how I feel anymore.

I'm not sure if it's better or worse than what I had. But it makes me wonder if someone can fake depression so hard that they actually get it. Because I really miss my positive feelings now, and I wish I could've taken advantage of them when I still had them. Sometimes I wonder if I don't get diagnosed and just let my emotions play out normally, maybe it would have gone away. But I don't know.

I feel like it's my fault I'm still here today. And I hate myself for it. I brought this all on myself. I destroyed everything. I told my therapist I felt like I was faking, and brought up all the evidence I had against myself. He confirmed that I did have a huge victim mentality, and that my depression was situational not clinical, but he also said with a smile, "your pain was real, and it was hard for you. You are not a faker, fraud or a liar. Sorry, I'm not going to tell you that. You aren't faking."

I just have a hard time trusting and believing him. I feel like if my depression is fake, that invalidates all the hurt and struggle to get better I've had over the years. That all of this was for nothing. And that I was making a mockery of real depressed people. And that I was a bad person.

I'm only a teen but sometimes I'm really concerned I might've just had BPD or facticious disorder all long, and this was a misdiagnosis. The dramatic-ness and attention seeking of it, the self-victimization, the deep-seated self-loathing, the self-absorption, the fact it was caused by relationship and abandonment problems, it all seems to add up. And I feel kinda awful.

I feel that the fact I'm even looking for validation one her just proves that I'm fake. But I wonder if anyone else feels the same way, and how maybe I can trust the words of my therapist without constantly doubting.
Kip
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Re: I feel like I'm faked my depression / it's my fault

Postby Snaga » Fri Sep 28, 2018 4:09 am

Oh gosh sweetie I sometimes feel as if I'm faking it, too. I'm sure a lot of others have, as well. I mean... it's like we know better, and it seems as if we'd just 'snap out of it', I mean.... yeah. Yeah I feel like a fraud. Or that I hang onto my feelings of hopelessness and my anxieties, and won't do anything about them. When it should be so easy to, right? Or not... I feel as if I refuse to get better, or do anything to get better. Yeah I accuse myself of it being my own fault, all the time.

So maybe you have a victim mentality, but I think you should trust your therapist, when they won't hand you the faking it card. I mean, think of it this way- why would a well adjusted person who wasn't messed up, fake it? They wouldn't want to. If I were a normie, I wouldn't be the messed up thing I am. Wouldn't want to be, wouldn't understand it, wouldn't be it. Meh. The very act of exaggerating things- if that's what you did- is itself, to me, proof that there's something real going on, sweetie. I'm sure the therapist is thinking along those lines.

And well, just a note on your social alt media where people stopped responding... sure, some of it may have been accusations of crying wolf, but... I mean, we see it here. If someone is at a stuck place, people run out of things to say. It's not like I don't want someone to get better, or that I stopped caring- but I (and everyone else) can only say the same thing so many different ways, then we run out of steam. For a while, at least. But it's not the same as no longer caring.
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Re: I feel like I'm faked my depression / it's my fault

Postby Kip » Fri Sep 28, 2018 11:07 am

^^^ Thanks. It helps.
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Re: I feel like I'm faked my depression / it's my fault

Postby Kip » Sat Sep 29, 2018 1:19 pm

I legit used it as a crutch though. I projected my pain into a mopey expression and hoped someone would notice or care, and when someone did care, I used and (unintentionally) manipulated them to get love and affection. I didn't love myself and felt like I couldn't help myself, so I looked at other people to save me and wash away my problems when it was me who was perpetrating all my own pain. That's not something a depressed person does. Depressed people don't like talking about their condition...I talked about mine all the time, whether it be my family, internet friends, or this one real life friend who I dragged down with me.
Depressed people do anything in their power to change things. I sought out help but I didn't use any of it to my advantage, instead choosing to victimize myself and suffer.
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Re: I feel like I'm faked my depression / it's my fault

Postby Snaga » Sat Sep 29, 2018 2:19 pm

I'm depressed, and while I don't go parading it, doing something about it, well... no, not really.

A quick look at your posting history, two stand out. BPD and OCD. Sweetie, I have borderline traits. And I'm OCD. Don't know about you, but I'm pretty messed up.... you don't think you couldn't be overthinking this a wee bit, do you? Don't get me wrong- I'm not trying to make excuses for bad behaviour. But like, pwBPD think and do things they know better, if they're fairly self-aware. pwOCD go round and round with obsessions that on some level, they know better, if they're likewise clear-headed enough to see what they're doing. Just because you know how you behaved, doesn't mean you sat down and calmly planned it out. I see the $#%^ I do all the time, and still do them. Because I have a mental illness... it's not an excuse, mind you, just an explanation. You can have been manipulative with emotions, etc., and still not been able to help yourself from doing it at the time. Now that you're aware, painfully so, it seems, then try to do better! But you can only beat yourself up so much, for the past, hon. I do believe that beating ourselves up over things that are over and done and can't be undone, is pointless. Trying not to be those things again (and I have many regrets), is the only way to atone. But we have to forgive ourselves, to move forward.
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Re: I feel like I'm faked my depression / it's my fault

Postby Kip » Sat Sep 29, 2018 2:24 pm

Well, I haven't been diagnosed with BPD or OCD, they're only suspicions, so I can't know for sure if I really have them. But I thank you for your help and kind words anyway. It does help.
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Re: I feel like I'm faked my depression / it's my fault

Postby Snaga » Sat Sep 29, 2018 9:33 pm

I haven't been Dx'd either, but only a dummy would say I didn't have OCD- as for the other, I think I have traits, nothing more. Like you, it's a suspicion.
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Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

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