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just wanna hear somebody elses word on my personal situation

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just wanna hear somebody elses word on my personal situation

Postby Opuntia » Mon Feb 27, 2017 5:37 am

I title this post as such because I'm not sure what to think of myself or my life. When asked about why I'm depressed anymore, my mind goes blank.
I'll start with a bit of a background.
I'm 17

I find myself with no will to do anything anymore.
I mean I guess it's that simple. Don't know if it has anything to do with my past. I like to think it's just some #######4 with my brain, but I wonder if this just makes me a ###$, I just need to hear it from somebody else, since I live in my ######6 head.
I'm just, cut off. I'm not living. It's like I'm just in a #######5 dream. Nobody around me is real anymore.
Nothing is. No feelings, no real feelings. Cut off. The sky is visually dark. The world just looks dark. Not even necessarily cold. Just flat. Empty. Colors, particularly are totally washed out.
I mean this all started as a deep depression about 4 years ago, following 10 years which are, anymore, just a haze. No memories really stick anymore.. I just know in the later part of those first ten years of life, I was really, really unhappy, and confused with every aspect of reality.
*mod edit*, and I met a pretty girl, and immediately fell in love.
We dated, blah blah. If you asked me about the experience at the time, I would give you a good description. All I can say now is i know it was the happiest period of my life, by far. It wasn't just that girl, I met friends, for the first time, and fell in love with the land and everyone.
All throughout this I guess expression to other people was still difficult, and I had a problem with just, going 100% numb in situations where I should have been emotionally present.
And the depression was deep.. It made me feel very human, but.. It was constant. And I cried a lot, and sometimes it made me think about death.
After all that, a lot of people kind of did some #######5 things to me, and I thought more about death.
Then I moved away.back to where I lived before. that was 2 years ago.
i've ever since just continuously started to feel worse.
in a strange sense.
More numb. Numb to anything that could make me want to live.
Music, which I was previously extremely passionate for, *mod edit* i guess i started to notice derealization coming on about a year ago.
then i added drugs. and since then i don't know what i am.
like i'm nothing.
depersonalized. no feelings.
i don't feel my body. it's again, like i'm just, living in a dream, in my head.
cut off from the whole human experience, and occasionally overwhelmed with feelings of doom and terror.
not a whole lot of fun.

looking back. my whole life seemed so short.
10 years of i don't even know.
4 years of relief
now this.
now i wonder if this is just me actively giving up.
people say you can choose to ignore things, but.. I just don't feel like i'm doing it deliberately.. and i deliberately try to bring myself to feel things, but i just can't..
there's a lot of this i'm vague about here and i will answer questions.

i mean i've been worried that i'm a psychopath, or something like that.
like i really can't bring myself to care about anything anymore. myself, or the world.
i just have these feelings, ideas, saying i'm a monster.. doomed to endless pain
i don't know. i feel like they're true. but, part of me says it's totally unrealistic, considering the kind of person I was before.
I feel like i'm actually just, not even in that world anymore. none of that seems real. like it ever happened, or to me.
but now i question even that, considering where i am now..
i'm worried about what's happening to my mind. i have been taking medication and seeing a therapist but i haven't been able to lately.
kind of desperate.
i'm so unemotional i feel like i'm losing touch with reality completely.
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Mon Feb 27, 2017 8:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: privacy edits
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Re: just wanna hear somebody elses word on my personal situation

Postby quietgirl2538 » Mon Feb 27, 2017 3:04 pm

I have moved this post to Clinical Depression Forum and have left a shadow, which allows the post to be viewed on both forums so that others can reply from both forums.
“There’s an Asian expression that ‘a burden shared is halved.’"

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Re: just wanna hear somebody elses word on my personal situation

Postby Pat » Fri Mar 10, 2017 6:48 pm

Hi Opunita, I am no expert but for me, going numb and perhaps taking drugs to help go numb, is a means of lessening something very painful. You mentioned happy events, specific times of happiness, but you have not mentioned a major pain you carry. If you could share what pains you - before numbing to lessen it started - maybe this forum could come up with some suggestions. In any case, I don't know your situation, but I have experienced numbing. I hear you. Though I don't know your situation I know numbing sometimes seems better than the pain, but numbness dampens all feelings - the good one too.
It takes courage to ask for someone to hear you. You have courage.
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