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Dissociative or psychopath?

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Dissociative or psychopath?

Postby Aleeica777 » Fri Jul 17, 2020 8:39 am

I just realized within the last few months that I don't have feelings. I don't think I ever have. I never knew anything about mental illness/psychopathy or any symptoms associated with it. Small background: me and my siblings were severely abused as children along the lines of torture. It was a cult like environment. We didn't know we were abused because we grew up being brainwashed/starved/tortured daily and we assumed everyone lived like this. In my early teenage years my parents were discovered and taken to prison and the other continued using hardcore drugs/alcohol but now prostitution was brought in all in front of us and then we were all separated. That was just the beginning of the madness unfortunately so yes I have endured prolonged trauma since birth but having to start over from scratch and retrain my brain on "normal " things in life instead of all the crazy abusive lies we were taught and attempted to figure out how the world works and how to make it in society without going to prison, i guess I never noticed that I didn't have feelings or connection with the world at all? I never thought about it because I didn't know other people actually cared about people because I never saw/experienced this. I remember in my early twenties I prayed to God and asked Him to please help me to recognize people as people and connect with them because I couldn't. I didn't know at the time that this wasn't normal. Now Im in my 30s and I still have never went to therapy or counseling for anything that happened because it never really seemed to effect me. One of my siblings committed suicide 10 years ago because of all the psychological/emotional/sexual abuse and neglect we went through, the other siblings all have been in and out of institutions since teenage years until even this very day. I always wondered why they were so tormented and I wasn't. They would always ask me how I don't care about any of the past events and why I was never mad/upset/or any emotions about it at all and I never knew the answer but I never thought it was odd either. Rather I thought it was confusing as to why they were upset!!??? It's like I know why they are because I lived it with them but I don't have feelings associated with it. Only after the last 7 months of my life after a series of events did I even notice that I don't have normal feelings. I'm in my 30s now. I have a career. By chance a coworker of mine introduced me to the idea that someone I know most likely is a psychopath/sociopath considering the events that had occurred. I have heard of the term but again never really understood what that meant but my coworker made me watch videos explaining it and sent me articles. It sounded really terrible at first but to my surprise many of the things reminded me of me! I wasn't purposely like that though. Suddenly I remembered the prayer in my early 20s and realized I must have always been this way. I did notice that I am considerate of others though and will go above and beyond to help someone. I never wanted to be the cause of pain on anyone. This is what led me to the dissociative disorder. I don't connect with anyone at all. I can't feel anything in life but not in a malicious way. I recognize when situations are bad and would indicate me to respond empathetic but it seriously is a lot if work but I do it. I feel like I feel this way because I have been raised in traumatic situations for years and years so I am emotionally blunted. I can't see danger or emotional situations from other situations. They all seem the same. If someone's relative passed away and they were upset I would just look at them in confusion because I couldn't understand why they were upset. I know it's obvious why they are upset I couldn't understand the emotion that went along with losing someone close even though I lost everyone in my life. I just realized this about myself in the last few months!!!! I have lived my entire life completely disconnected from reality in a robot like state without ever existing as a person. I can't remember anything in my life is how it seems but I actually do remember. The memories just seem so vague and small and there is no emotions attached to them at all. I truly don't think I am a psychopath but I did question it. I have emotions they just don't generate into feelings. If someone was crying over something I feel the signal in my brain firing off that something isn't good or something is sad/bad/dangerous but the signal just sparks but never goes any further like there is a block preventing it from going wherever it was going. I don't know how to get the block off or if it's even possible. Anyone with any advice or simular experience?
Aleeica777
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Re: Dissociative or psychopath?

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Jul 19, 2020 3:42 am

It's definitely some sort of dissociative disorder, from the way you describe it--feeling separated from memories, emotions, and experiences.

For whatever reason you were able to cope early on by dissociating, and that has protected you. Are you the oldest, or the youngest, or in some way different from your siblings? I think something must have been different for you to be able to cope in a way that your siblings couldn't. (Not that it's a good thing to not have access to your feelings, but it sounds like you've been able to function better from the outside than your siblings have.)

A good therapist could help you, if you wanted to change this about yourself. It's long, expensive, and at times very painful, but it IS treatable. In order to be able to feel good feelings, you end up also being able to feel painful and difficult ones.

You would want to find a therapist who was an expert at treating trauma and dissociative disorders. This is a good place to start:

https://isstd.connectedcommunity.org/ne ... ofessional

You could also read about the longterm effects of abuse and trauma on children to learn more about what's known. There is a lot of research about the effects and about how best to treat adults who have survived chronic childhood trauma.

Here is a good website to start with:

http://traumadissociation.com/#gsc.tab=0

It's fairly accurate, at least for the basics, and a good overview if you're starting from scratch.

Good luck with all this. It will be a lot to heal from. I'm so sorry you went through all that. :cry:
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Re: Dissociative or psychopath?

Postby Aleeica777 » Sun Jul 19, 2020 6:23 pm

Thank you for your response. I was the second oldest child. My oldest sibling is exactly 1 year older than me so not by much. I did just now find a psychotherapist and had first visit on Friday. I am not sure why my brain dissociated and my siblings did not. I feel I am fortunate for that because I made it. Thank you for the resources! I appreciate all of the insight. Just over the last few years did I actually even understand the magnitude of abuse we went through so I'm just now learning about the effects of trauma. Thank you so very much for your support and time.
Aleeica777
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