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What's going on with me?

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What's going on with me?

Postby greensky010 » Sun Jul 14, 2019 8:41 am

I'm pretty sure I have depression and social anxiety. I've just seen a therapist once so I don't have an official diagnosis for anything, I'm going to see her more as soon as I can.
I don't remember a lot of how I felt earlier in my life, I just remember the events, so I have a hard time knowing how long some things have been going on with me. I didn't realize that the things I was thinking and feeling might not have been healthy or don't happen to everyone. Recently I realized that for a long time I've felt like my brain is full of a thick, soupy fog that I can't get through. It consumes the physical world and my memories and all of reality, but especially around my head. Moving precisely is difficult. I don't want to do anything anymore if it doesn't distract me. I overthink everything. I feel the feelings of a room, it's like I can feel sounds and smells sometimes. People, especially my mom, have been impressed by my empathic abilities my whole life, as well as my poetry and the way I describe reality and my feelings. I've felt like I can understand deep concepts that others struggle to grasp for a long time. But also I feel so incredibly stupid all the time, I feel like nothing I do or think or am is ever right, I feel like someone is going to criticize me no matter what. Everything is confusing.
I'm a teenager, are these things normal for someone my age? Is this dissociation? I feel like I have a fairly strong sense of who I am vs what everything else is, which makes me think maybe it's not. But sometimes I can feel the shapes that make up reality, instead of reality as a whole, and I've never felt like I have a clear head as far as I can remember.
I feel tired all the time, no matter what I do, no matter how much sleep I get. If I get less than 12 hours or so, it's incredibly difficult to force myself awake. I don't have good physical health, especially when it comes to strength and exercise since there's nothing to distract me when I'm exercising.
A lot of the time I feel like I exist trapped inside a tight shell. Like my soul is constrained, yet also very far away.
I've described my "inner feelings" and "outer feelings" to people before and some seemed confused. Sometimes when I feel emotions, they're just on the surface. At my core, I feel exactly the same. But some emotions will be felt more deeply, in kind of a watery way? It's like the fog in my brain is dampened by the emotion, instead of not being impacted at all, I guess.
Sometimes I have to read sentences multiple times before they even mean anything to me. Sometimes I feel like my brain keeps going around in circles, like my thoughts keep looping, and sometimes it feels like my physical body is supposed to be looping too but I can't make it loop the same way.
I've had strange mental breakdowns before, I don't really know what they are, where I just start talking and talking to someone specific about my purpose in life and all sorts of strange things. Like I'm trying to catch my thoughts before they disappear.
It's strange because I haven't experienced any significant traumas or abuse, or anything like that (at least that I know of), yet I have all this stuff going on with me. My brain makes two explanations, that either it's all fake and I'm making it seem worse than it is, or that I'm an old soul who has carried on trauma from their past lives. Both of these seem equally preposterous to me, but it depends on when I'm thinking of it. Sometimes they seem 100% correct and indisputable.
There's a lot more that goes on with me and it's really difficult to keep track of, and to tell the whole story, and it's all so confusing and strange. I don't know what I'm lying to myself about, I don't know what's not that bad or normal and I don't know what to do about anything.
Is any of this depersonalization? I don't know if any of what I've said makes sense at this point. Is it possible I have DPD?
Even if nobody can give me input, or nobody reads this, it was nice to get my jumbled feelings down.
greensky010
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