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Not sure what to think...

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Not sure what to think...

Postby sunnydays4 » Fri Apr 19, 2019 10:53 pm

Hi all! I've been trying to figure out my brain and where it's at. I'm 43 and have been going to therapy for a few months, but the more I go, the more realizations I have that things aren't as "normal" as I thought they were. Makes me wonder if I've dissociated, have DID, just a really bad memory?

Here are things I've been thinking about:

1. Had a very chaotic childhood (the little bit I can remember or things I just "know")

2. Don't remember much of childhood. Have 2 memories of school up until high school, and not much in high school either. Memories I DO have of childhood are more of a gist of what happened with maybe a snapshot or two in my head to go with it.

3. Have had "underlying panic" - like a growing feeling of panic that has nothing to do with what is currently going on. Sometimes it's panic, sometimes anger, sometimes weird feelings or sensations. But usually I feel separate from it, like I'm observing this feeling, but I can feel it at the same time. It's really odd.

4. Somethings make me cry for no reason - was editing something once that said Best Kept Secret, and I bawled out of nowhere. I can't listen to Kesha's song Praying with out feeling terribly angry with someone (not sure who) and break down crying.

5. I've realized I've been randomly saying in my head "Are you alright?" and replying "I'm ok" for as long as I can remember. Never paid attention to the face that I did that. Just a comforting mantra??

6. I do what I guess could be called "maladaptive daydreaming". I know when I was young, I would look forward to being alone at night so I could daydream about characters in books and on tv. Like with the "Outsiders" - I would daydream something terrible would happen to one of the boys and the others would find out and help them through it.

7. I felt so angry one time, I asked myself in my head what was wrong and I pictured a young version of myself pushing and hitting some man (couldn't see who it was). She was very angry and I held her back and hugged her and she cried. Feels odd to say that :?
Sometimes I give in to these feelings and cry some or beat up a pile of clothes, it then just disappears. And I'm fine like I never felt it.

8. I know I don't have much sense of self.

9. I repress my emotions. I almost pride myself on being able to handle anything and hate to be perceived as not being strong enough to take anything that comes at me.

9. Sometimes I feel like I'm from a different world than those around me - like I've had to learn what "normal people" are like so I can pretend to be one...when to laugh, how to do small talk, etc.

10. Sometimes when I've felt the panic, crying or anger, I've closed my eyes and typed whatever came to mind. {{{ POSSIBLE TRIGGER?? }} Sometimes I've written things like "How could you!!! I hate you. Why Why Why. It doesn't make any sense. Please no. Please. I can't." And sometimes I write like I'm talking about someone else - "he didn't understand" or "she said no" {{{ END TRIGGER }}}

11. I've had dreams about things like a man almost running me over with his car twice, then throwing things at me and someone shooting me.

12. When I look back at photos of me before I moved out, I don't remember any of it and feel like I have no connection to that child.

13. I don't know if it's just different sides of my personality, but sometimes I feel like saying or doing something that's out of character for me, but I stop myself from doing or saying it.

I never have things happen like losing time (just don't remember childhood) or having things in my home I don't remember getting.

I don't know. The more I think about things, the more I realize things just seem...off. Sigh. It's all feels so weird :roll:

Anyone else have anything similar to these things happen with them??

Thanks to all who took the time to read!!
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Re: Not sure what to think...

Postby VioletFlux » Sat Apr 20, 2019 3:31 pm

Hi sunnydays,

About 3/4 of the things you listed, matched up stuff we've experienced. Like, our previous-host could have written that list out lol. She figured she just had a 'good imagination and a bad memory'.

As far as not having missing time and not finding unexplained purchases, those aren't universal experiences with dissociative disorders. Some people have them, some people don't.

OTOH, that sort of stuff is basically different kinds of amnesia, and that can be really tricky. Like, the brain is really good at covering up its own glitches. At one time we'd have sworn we never had any lost time, till we finally 'caught' it happening.

Anyways, so I'd suggest two things. 1st, if you aren't already, I'd suggest you start journalling. Whether with pen and paper, or a computer document, or whatever. It's handy to just write down how you're feeling, what's going on, whenever the thought occurs to you.

We've found it super helpful as we do have ongoing memory issues, and sometimes just writing stuff down is enough to help lock it in our mind. Other times, it's handy to be able to go and read back stuff from say last week, to remember what was happening.

And maybe more important, it's helped us get in touch with other parts of ourself. We use a handwritten journal and we can see the different handwriting in there, we can comunicate sometimes by writing back and forth to each other.

Second, if you haven't mentioned this stuff with your therapist, then I'd suggest you could print out your post, what you wrote here, and bring that in. Share it with your T and see what they think.

Finally, you could try taking some online screening tests, if you like. The DES (dissociative experiences scale) takes a few minutes and it won't 'diagnose' you but it can say if a dissociative disorder is likely or possible.

Good luck!

Arin
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); et al.
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Re: Not sure what to think...

Postby sunnydays4 » Sat Apr 20, 2019 9:25 pm

Thank you so much for your thoughts, VioletFlux!

My T had me do a simple DES awhile ago and I didn't score that high. But I'm wondering if it's because I just didn't realize I'm doing dissociative things because it's just normal to me? After thinking more about these things, I got the book "The Stranger in the Mirror" from the library and did a few of Marlene Steinberg's tests. I scored moderately on all (depersonalization, identity, amnesia) but the derealization one - that one was mild.

I journal online. I see what you mean about seeing different alter's handwriting. I just get nervous having a written journal somewhere that my family could find - especially my kids. Password protected online - it's safe!

I admit I get nervous thinking I could have alters. You know yourself one way, it's scary to think you are not who you think you are. And to have other sides of yourself that could take over your life is frightening to me. I don't like to drink more than one or two things because I've always thought I want to keep control of myself and things around me. Maybe I'm really scared of letting my guard down for myself.

How does it all feel to you to have alters?

sunnydays
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Re: Not sure what to think...

Postby VioletFlux » Sun Apr 21, 2019 10:59 am

Hi sunnydays,

So for us, we're pretty happy about our headmates. I'm glad I don't hafta be like, the one who's here all the time and doing every thing, that me and my other parts can share stuff. We all got different strengths and stuff so we can share the workload.

What sucks the most for us is we're all way younger than our body. :? So like, first off we don't get the chance to have our own lives the way we want them, second off we're stuck with some decisions and stuff that 'someone else' made, but most of all, we don't get to hang out and be friends with people our own age.

Like I'd love to be chillin at the mall with other girls my age, listening to music, maybe even dancing and stuff. But the body is too old and it'd be creepy. And like, Melissa wants to go back to school and wants to have friends her age, but that'd be even creepier, so we all hafta accept that we're stuck with this. That's the worst bit.

For us tho its all we've known? Like, the one in our system who thought she was alone in here, she's gone now. Almost 18 months ago she went away and that was a huge mess for the whole system, but we're hanging in there and trying to cope. Our biggest trouble is 'normal' stuff lol, job and stuff like that.

V2

p.s. if you want to get more people talking with you, you could post in the DID forum. It's way more active there, and people aren't gonna mind if you've got an actual Dx or you're just worried about it / wondering.
Outside Team: Arin (22f); Viola (17f); Violet aka V2 (16f);
Inside Team: Charlie(6m); Claire(0f); Ewan(4m); Janet(4f); L----(∞f); Melissa(7f); Mike(35m); Nyssa(10f); Rebecca(∞f); Trina(25f); V1(22f); et al.
Body: 49f • Dx: DID; previously depression, bipolar.Journey ThreadTeam Flux
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Re: Not sure what to think...

Postby sunnydays4 » Sun Apr 21, 2019 2:58 pm

Reading everything you're saying, it has to be hard for all of you to deal with it.

I'm still working through everything in my head. I might post in the DID forum if more comes up that I have questions about. I have another therapy appointment Thursday.

Thank you, V2 and Arin for your help! I really appreciate it.
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Re: Not sure what to think...

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Sun Apr 21, 2019 8:08 pm

Hi sunnydays4,

We had even less obvious symptoms than what you describe, and turned out to have a system of parts who have worked together to keep it out of my awareness and to cooperate with accomplishing life tasks. It has definitely involved keep our guard up and keeping things under tight control so we would seem at most “moody,” and not dramatically different at different times. There is a lot that I and my husband (and our kids too, I guess) have accepted as “normal” for me.

I knew I coped by using dissociation, and scored moderately on some of those measures, but it wasn’t until I had the safety of seeing a specialist in dissociative disorders that I could start to be aware of parts. I needed him to reassure me that I could look into this without having my current life fall apart.

Come read posts on the DID forum and see what resonates inside. There is a wide range of symptoms, and everyone is different. Not having a certain symptom, or not having as much amnesia, doesn’t mean that you don’t have parts.
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Re: Not sure what to think...

Postby sunnydays4 » Wed Apr 24, 2019 1:33 am

Thank you for sharing, TheGangsAllHere!

I'm married with kids as well, so that is a big concern to me. I'd hate to have anything that is going on with me to affect them, especially my kids, though I know they would all be supportive.

I've gone through some topics in the DID forum and will keep going through it. I appreciate the guidance!

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