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Depersonalization and infidelity

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Depersonalization and infidelity

Postby Rose111 » Fri Jul 27, 2018 3:25 am

I have a problem and I cant put my finger on what it is..I'm in my early 20s, and have been happily married for 1 year.
I have been dealing with depression since I was 13, but now I have major anxiety disorder that I've been dealing with for 3 years. I dont take any medication for either because I'm starting to learn to handle it.

But anyways. I have lately noticed something weird starting to happen since I started getting anxiety 3 years ago. I feel a disconnection. Little things here and there freaked me out, like for example, I would scratch my leg but feel absolutely nothing. Like it would be numb and I couldnt feel anything. Or I would try to pinch myself and couldnt feel anything. Now sometimes when I'm in public around a lot of people, I feel a disconnection, like I'm not really there. And it comes and goes. Another example is when I am arguing with someone. I feel disconnected and spaced out, like I'm on some kind of drug that causes me to zone out of reality.
Ineed to go to a therapist of course, but I'm dont have the money for it right now.

So now you know the backstory, the other week I was hanging out with my coworker/friend, and me and him started making out. It just happened out of nowhere. And I always told myself I'm not a cheater but for some reason, in that moment, I didn't feel anything. No guilt, no love, no emotion whatsoever. I felt out of body. It was strange which is why I continued it. When our make out session finished and I went home, I didnt think anything of it. In fact, when I woke up in the morning, I didnt remember it unless i thought hard about it. I dont know why this is happening. Him and I got back together yesterday, and the same thing happened. When he kisses me, I feel like I'm not there. And I feel terrible about it sometimes because it's not right. But when this wave comes over me, I feel like I could just walk around or do what I want without anything being a consequence.

I dont know what's happening to me. And I know most people who have this disorder or anything similar dont go as far as cheating. But I just need some reassurance that this isnt some thing that is considered a normal human trait because I really want to get help. I want to fix myself and how I feel and what i do.

Has anyone else felt the same way? And what did you do to help it? Have you been in a similar situation that I am in?

I'm not trying to self diagnose. I just want a general idea until I finally get in the right financial situation to get help.

Thank you :)
Rose111
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