I'm in someone else's body and have her memories?

I don't know how this website works and English is not my first language, but whatever I'm so confuse, I need to post this. Sorry for mistakes.

So, before this happened, I was fine. I'm 19, I just started college and I loved my family and my few friends. I'm socially awkward, and sometimes I don't know how to react to things or I'm just confused in social situation. I have trouble making friends.
I consider my childhood normal. But when I turned 14, I realised that maybe I had a "missing filter", that made me arrogant and annoying for some people. Maybe that's why I got rejected and bullied a bit. After that realisation, I became shyer. It was a bit hard on my self-esteem, but I was fine... until recently.

I had more stress than usual because college was harder than I expected and people were more extrovert than I thought (I'm kinda scared of them). Then, a switch went off somewhere. I had these weird thoughts that I was extremely different from everyone, even my family and friends. People were like robots or aliens. I thought that maybe I was born in the wrong world. This world is too vivid for me. I looked around, breathing, everything seemed too vivid, too real, and I was a bit scared of it.

Then I looked at myself in the mirror and thought: is this really me? I was confused. Then I thought things like I'm some kind of ghost that took the place of the person in this body. I had her friends, her family, her memories, her tastes, her favorite hobbies...

I was resisting to believe things like this at first, but sometimes I couldn't deny it and thought it was real.

I got really scared. My body was in pain, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't trust anyone. I was really depressed, I was crying, shaking, scared. My mother noticed it and wanted to know what was wrong. I said today was a bad day. But my head was like: "It's not my mother, it's not my memories" and I wanted "this person (my "mother")" to go away from me. Later, I wanted to do my homework and then: "it's not my task". I wanted to calm down listening to my favorite music and then: "It's her favorite music, not mine". I tried to watch my favorite YouTube channels and : "It's her hobby to watch YouTube". I looked at my surroundings and: "it's not where I live". My memories started to feel blurry. It's like it wasn't my memories. I recognized places, but at the same time, it felt unknown. I was so confused and scared.

Well... it's like my mind was trapped in a body that was not mine. And the life that this person was living was not mine.

It been three days now, this feeling come and goes. I didn't get sleep last night because of it. How did this happened? Is it some sort of delusion to escape reality? I don't know what made me think that way and I'm scared that it will become worse (like not remembering things and places).

If you know about this please help me. I want to think normal again.

i have the same problem, but the feelings get less intense over time. it doesnt sound like delusion, it sounds like things are really stressing you out and causing you to dissociate, which happens to alot of people. i just pay more attention to the mirror. if you avoid looking at yourself, it becomes worse because you forget your reflection is even there (atleast for me)

Hi Kazya,
I'm copying part of my response from another thread, because I hope It will help you, too.
My doc diagnosed me with Depersonalization for symptoms similar to yours.

In fact, I've been in the mental health system 16 years, misdiagnosed with the following in that time:
Anxiety Disorder
Depression
OCD
PTSD
Bipolar I
Depersonalization
Delayed Reactive PTSD with Dissociation
DDNOS

...but what I actually have is plain old DID.

Because my alters don't come"out" and take over the body, most doctors are not capable of diagnosing it as DID because they simply DON'T KNOW that only 5-6% of people with DID have OVERT symptoms... the other 94-95% of us have COVERT DID... which does NOT present the same as overt DID but IS DID nonetheless. (You may not have DID, but derealization, depersonalization, and dissociation are all symptoms of DID.)

My alters are co-present with me, they take turns co-fronting, and one of them co-runs with me (link for glossary below). I did not know these words, or what was happening to me, at first. It has taken time, reading and researching, and Therapy to figure it out.

When some hidden alters who had been dormant all this time (41 years) came out of dormancy, they were clueless as to what was going on. It turns out, my system puts all my alters on a rotation, which make a different one "switch" into the position of co-fronting with me every hour throughout every day. (Probably explains the presumed "Ultra-rapid cycling Bipolar" mis-diagnosis!).

This was interesting when the "new" alters woke up... when it would be their time to co-front with me, I was so bewildered, couldn't remember anything... I felt a little bit distant and disconnected from my body... a lot of weird things. Now that I know it was when the newbies were co-fronting with me, it makes sense. It only took them a couple of weeks to start blending in and catching up with current times... the more I talked out loud the more it helped.

I don't know if this is anything like what is happening with you... but it's the first thing I thought of when I read your words.

The most important thing I learned is that EVERY HUMAN on the planet had un-integrated "parts" in their childhood... it is a process that we ALL go through in becoming who we are.
It just goes a little bit wrong when we endure trauma or neglect... our brain does what it has to do to get us through our childhood... it "saves our lives" through dissociation... but the stress that puts on our Central Nervous System (and other parts of the brain/mind/body) wears us down over time and we either start having breakthrough symptoms (like what you describe), or we have a total "breakdown."

I will state here that if you had asked me 8 months ago if I had any amnesia, I would have looked at you like you were crazy and said Hell no!

Turns out I had complete amnesia of being sexually assaulted at age 4. I'm not kidding you... when you have amnesia, it is COMPLETE! Turns out that throughout my lifetime, every time I have come close to or actually "remembered" what happened to me, I have been sucked inside and my memory gets erased again, while another alter comes out and just pretends to me, so no-one is the wiser. For me it usually only happens when I've been drinking or during sex... so for some reason I wasn't recognizing the memory loss because I was sleeping right afterwards every time.

Trust yourself; you are experiencing things for a reason... start journaling and you will be surprised at what comes out on paper... what you "figure out" when you start putting it on paper... it's amazing!

I'll share a few pages that I trust will point you in the right direction, but don't stop there: do your own research... follow whatever catches your attention or what pops into your mind... it is popping there from somewhere (or someone) for a reason.

NOTE: I found out after MONTHS that my alters cannot follow along when I read (and cannot "know" what I read ~ they a separate!) so they don't learn whatever I'm learning unless I read out loud!!!
I'm having to take a whole CBT class over again because I did an "online" class in it... so my alter with Borderline Personality traits (the one who NEEDED THE CBT) didn't benefit at all!
But now I'm becoming able to leave the house occasionally (after years as a shut-in after my breakdown) so I may take an actual class.. with real "outside" people... weeeeeeeird.

Here are some sites with info that helped my brain "get" what's going on with me:

For understanding how EVERYONE has "parts:"
http://www.socialwork.career/2014/05/pa ... tment.html

Definitive description of Overt DID vs. Covert DID vs. Subtle DID
*begins on page 424 foe basic understanding... page 406 starts more in depth explanations...
https://books.google.com/books?id=aEuTA ... PD&f=false

A great glossary ~ a place where I uncovered some things about me I didn't know before!
(but google search "DID MPD glossary of terms" ~ every glossary has some unique terms!
http://adviceformultiples.tumblr.com/po ... y-glossary

Kazya, i am not one to diagnose, but I have had these feelings before & in my case those were related to anxiety. it sounds to me that you are under a lot of stress & perhaps trying to do things that calm you down (like listening to relaxing music, eating something delicious, swimming- idk- whatever makes you feel good ) can help reduce those feelings.
Also, if this feeling persists you may want to see a doctor, or student council?
Don't be too shy to ask for help!

crackerjack wrote:Hi Kazya,
I'm copying part of my response from another thread, because I hope It will help you, too.
My doc diagnosed me with Depersonalization for symptoms similar to yours.

In fact, I've been in the mental health system 16 years, misdiagnosed with the following in that time:
Anxiety Disorder
Depression
OCD
PTSD
Bipolar I
Depersonalization
Delayed Reactive PTSD with Dissociation
DDNOS

...but what I actually have is plain old DID.

Because my alters don't come"out" and take over the body, most doctors are not capable of diagnosing it as DID because they simply DON'T KNOW that only 5-6% of people with DID have OVERT symptoms... the other 94-95% of us have COVERT DID... which does NOT present the same as overt DID but IS DID nonetheless. (You may not have DID, but derealization, depersonalization, and dissociation are all symptoms of DID.)

My alters are co-present with me, they take turns co-fronting, and one of them co-runs with me (link for glossary below). I did not know these words, or what was happening to me, at first. It has taken time, reading and researching, and Therapy to figure it out.

When some hidden alters who had been dormant all this time (41 years) came out of dormancy, they were clueless as to what was going on. It turns out, my system puts all my alters on a rotation, which make a different one "switch" into the position of co-fronting with me every hour throughout every day. (Probably explains the presumed "Ultra-rapid cycling Bipolar" mis-diagnosis!).

This was interesting when the "new" alters woke up... when it would be their time to co-front with me, I was so bewildered, couldn't remember anything... I felt a little bit distant and disconnected from my body... a lot of weird things. Now that I know it was when the newbies were co-fronting with me, it makes sense. It only took them a couple of weeks to start blending in and catching up with current times... the more I talked out loud the more it helped.

I don't know if this is anything like what is happening with you... but it's the first thing I thought of when I read your words.

The most important thing I learned is that EVERY HUMAN on the planet had un-integrated "parts" in their childhood... it is a process that we ALL go through in becoming who we are.
It just goes a little bit wrong when we endure trauma or neglect... our brain does what it has to do to get us through our childhood... it "saves our lives" through dissociation... but the stress that puts on our Central Nervous System (and other parts of the brain/mind/body) wears us down over time and we either start having breakthrough symptoms (like what you describe), or we have a total "breakdown."

I will state here that if you had asked me 8 months ago if I had any amnesia, I would have looked at you like you were crazy and said Hell no!

Turns out I had complete amnesia of being sexually assaulted at age 4. I'm not kidding you... when you have amnesia, it is COMPLETE! Turns out that throughout my lifetime, every time I have come close to or actually "remembered" what happened to me, I have been sucked inside and my memory gets erased again, while another alter comes out and just pretends to me, so no-one is the wiser. For me it usually only happens when I've been drinking or during sex... so for some reason I wasn't recognizing the memory loss because I was sleeping right afterwards every time.

Trust yourself; you are experiencing things for a reason... start journaling and you will be surprised at what comes out on paper... what you "figure out" when you start putting it on paper... it's amazing!

I'll share a few pages that I trust will point you in the right direction, but don't stop there: do your own research... follow whatever catches your attention or what pops into your mind... it is popping there from somewhere (or someone) for a reason.

NOTE: I found out after MONTHS that my alters cannot follow along when I read (and cannot "know" what I read ~ they a separate!) so they don't learn whatever I'm learning unless I read out loud!!!
I'm having to take a whole CBT class over again because I did an "online" class in it... so my alter with Borderline Personality traits (the one who NEEDED THE CBT) didn't benefit at all!
But now I'm becoming able to leave the house occasionally (after years as a shut-in after my breakdown) so I may take an actual class.. with real "outside" people... weeeeeeeird.

Here are some sites with info that helped my brain "get" what's going on with me:

For understanding how EVERYONE has "parts:"
http://www.socialwork.career/2014/05/pa ... tment.html

Definitive description of Overt DID vs. Covert DID vs. Subtle DID
*begins on page 424 foe basic understanding... page 406 starts more in depth explanations...
https://books.google.com/books?id=aEuTA ... PD&f=false

A great glossary ~ a place where I uncovered some things about me I didn't know before!
(but google search "DID MPD glossary of terms" ~ every glossary has some unique terms!
http://adviceformultiples.tumblr.com/po ... y-glossary

crackerJack, I relate so much to everything you write. I think my diagnosis came easier because I go by different names, I even changed my name on my ID but I kept my old name as well.
So now I am known by 3 names. But my DID is covert nonetheless. I don't lose time (I am just very forgetful and I never remember where I put things, or people's faces or things that I've said)
But I have a solid front.
I hear voices of alters in my head, that is mostly what I have.
Or I have urges to do things I don't usually do.
It's pretty difficult to explain.
But I bet you know it & you know that you're not the only one.

Blogjects wrote:crackerJack, I relate so much to everything you write. I think my diagnosis came easier because I go by different names, I even changed my name on my ID but I kept my old name as well.
So now I am known by 3 names. But my DID is covert nonetheless. I don't lose time (I am just very forgetful and I never remember where I put things, or people's faces or things that I've said)
But I have a solid front.
I hear voices of alters in my head, that is mostly what I have.
Or I have urges to do things I don't usually do.
It's pretty difficult to explain.
But I bet you know it & you know that you're not the only one.

Oh blogjects, i soooo love what you wrote here... and I can SO relate!!!
Guess what else I just discovered/figured out?
Although Overt DID is typically considered a more "severe" form of DID, and covert DID (plus DDNOS, and Depersonalization) is considered less "complete" than DID... the truth is exactly the opposite!
When a person has Overt DID it is partly because there is MUCH less Dissociation within the system... the alters are "closer" to the Host/Original and sometimes each other.
In covert DID, the Dissociation is much more "complete" or "strong." The amnestic barriers are strong... the patient may even think they have no amnesia or trauma at all (as was my case).
Exactly the same goes for DDNOS and other Dissociative Disorders... they are usually actually "full-on DID" but in most cases the patient will never know it because they stay on psych-meds which cause further dissociation (every anti-depressant, mood stabilizer, anti-psychotic & SSRI I've ever tried has caused further dissociation... as well as medical marijuana), and/or most Dr.'s are unable to distinguish that these cases are actually DID.
Another reason why Covert DID is so much more difficult to diagnose and detect is because in most cases the alters CANNOT speak/communicate at all, simply because the system doesn't even allow it (also the case with me). You see... there is specific "programming" in my system (and many, many other patients systems) that controls how everything functions. This programming can be considered very much like that of a computer, but also in the "brainwashing" sense of the word. I JUST LEARNED that brainwashing can be INADVERTENT as well as intentional! So, my system is "programmed" or "brainwashed" to the commands of "If you make a sound I will slit your throat," and "If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you." So, in my system, knowing about the alters=death, telling anyone=death, remembering=death.
Since learning this I have started working on "Re-programming," with opposite affirmations such as "knowing is safe, telling is safe, remembering is safe.... therefore communication is safe."
My ISH (the one I can communicate with through a pendulum) says hypnosis would be much more effective than affirmations...
I wonder whether, if we can undo the brainwashing, will it then be "safe" for them to communicate?

So anyway... it's awesome that you are aware enough to know which names go with which "state!" I am just learning some of that, but I have Billoba to help me out with a lot of my questions (it's like cheating, lol!)
I know what you mean about the forgetting names, faces, places, etc... I am starting to realize that, if i meet a certain person or do a certain thing while one alter is co-present with me, I may not remember it later when a different alter is co-present... then later when the other alter comes back, I totally remember again what i had forgotten before! Do you notice these inconsistencies? Even food tastes different when different others are with me... not to be gross, but I even urinate differently depending on who is present with me... so weird!!!
And yes... it is sooooo comforting to know I'm not the only one!

crackerjack, I'd hate to post-bust Kazya's thread.
would it be alright to communicate via PM?
~Leafy

Blogjects wrote:crackerjack, I'd hate to post-bust Kazya's thread.
would it be alright to communicate via PM?
~Leafy

Yes, of course ~ i actually meant to say that, too!
Sorry for hijacking the thread!