Life-long Dissociation

Hey,

I'm a teenager and I have for my whole life been dealing with something really weird and destructive. This is a long read, but my story is unlike any other I've heard.

Essentially, my whole life the world has been far away. If you don't know what dissociation feels like, unfocus your eyes. You notice how all your thoughts and focus are taken away from the outside world to your head, and how, even if you could see properly, your thoughts wouldn't be on the world around you? That's what I feel like.

This has affected EVERYTHING. I'm really clumsy, because I don't focus on anything. If I have to catch a ball, I'd have to focus on its position, it's speed, its size and the position of my hands. But I cant focus on all of this, as my thoughts are retracted, and that ball is gonna slam into my absent-minded face. You can just imagine how social interactions go, and pretty much anything where I need to focus around me. And because, of this, anxiety had taken me a few times.

BUT ONE DAY, IT ALL CHANGED. I was on holiday with my family. The week before, I'd taken a tablespoon of Zeolite Powder, which was supposed to cure the mercury that might cause it. I was doing flexes, tilting my head back. Suddenly, my neck snapped and for a split second all I could see was white, my head suddenly had pain. But it was all over just like that. Only now, everything was different.

I could focus on the world around me. All my irrelevant thoughts disappeared, and I suddenly saw everything bright. My brain fog just disappeared, and I saw the world clearer than I ever thought I could. To help you picture this, remember the scene from Limitless where the effects of the drug hit Eddie, and suddenly, everything was colorful, and he saw all the things he'd always missed, and realized how stupid he'd been.

I didn't have any worries, and that day socializing was really easy. I had natural, instinctive eye contact, I knew exactly where I'd been going wrong all these years, and I even got talking to some girls I really liked. I remember every detail from that day vividly. Basically no thoughts came into my mind, and the sensations of the world around me just filled me up.

I'd suffered from insomnia for years, but i slept as soon as I hit the bed, as if the act of simply switching off and sleeping was something I'd never been able to do until now.

But the next morning, nearly everything was back. My brain fogged up, all my thoughts came back, and I experienced the world in the old way. Only this time, I'd learned from my awesome day and realised the one solution to all my problems would be to bring this feeling back.

I tried everything that I'd done that day. I've been having Zeolite Powder ever since I came home, no change. I had the exact same food and drink, in the same amounts, I'd had that day. No change. I tried to crack my neck the same way I had, nothing happened. After a while, I gave back. I'm back to my dissociative life, my social interactions have become distant, and every day I wish that I'd just go back to that state.

This might be hard to understand, but I really think this "Day of focus" is worth trying to get back. I jsut have no idea how.

Wow I can relate to this 100% when I tried modafinil the other day. I never felt so engaged, clear headed, and awake my entire life. My whole life has been a dissociated fog. I tried the modafinil again this morning but I got no effects from it. Im certain this wasnt a placebo - theres just no way. I typically yawn all day and slog through in a relentless fog, but yesterday I could think quickly, interact and speak normally, without feeling in the slightest fatigued or disengaged. Oh, how to get that back

Misunderstood101 wrote:Wow I can relate to this 100% when I tried modafinil the other day. I never felt so engaged, clear headed, and awake my entire life. My whole life has been a dissociated fog. I tried the modafinil again this morning but I got no effects from it. Im certain this wasnt a placebo - theres just no way. I typically yawn all day and slog through in a relentless fog, but yesterday I could think quickly, interact and speak normally, without feeling in the slightest fatigued or disengaged. Oh, how to get that back

Nice. I thought I was alone.

59 and just put two n two together. Developed AVPD by avoiding situations that triggered it. Extreme shyness and then childhood trauma combined to developing it. Three times I felt clarity. Lasted months at a time, but the last two were what they call manic symptoms. Not saying yours were, but now I'm diagnosed as bipolar. As if PTSD leading to AVPD wasn't enough to overcome, now I get another burden to carry. I'm researching disassociation and there are treatments, just hope I'm not to far along in my life for this ingrained defense mechanism to be overcome. I wish you well on your journey.

I can relate to your story. I am 27 now, and I spent the first 25 years of my life in a complete state of brain fog just like you described. It affected everything, just like you said. I can't catch a ball, I can't hit a ball with a bat, I can't go down stairs without falling. Right now I have my knee all bandaged up because I fell and scraped it up yesterday, like a four year old. I struggle with normal eye contact, and I've always had problems focusing and feeling like I was actually present in the world. I've always felt like I wasn't actually present in reality.

The list goes on; I've had a lot of weird experiences. Some of them include feeling like Alice in Wonderland -- like I am 20 feet tall, like I am 2 inches tall, like I have gigantic fuzzy hands, etc.

Anyway, I thought I would share what has helped me in case any of it might help you. I have no idea if any of it will, but here goes!

I was eventually diagnosed with Bipolar I and ADD. The ADD explains my entire childhood of being completely out of it. I was prescribed Wellbutrin, and BAM! Literally on the first day of taking that medication, I felt "with it." I could focus. I could think. I was aware of what was happening around me. It was like the fog was lifted!

My story is all tangled up with bipolar, but I won't go into any of that, since you didn't mention any bipolar symptoms. But I ended up talking to my psychiatrist about my "Alice in Wonderland" symptoms, and he said that was Dissociative Disorder. He also said there was nothing they could do about it.

Anyway, my point is that Wellbutrin happened to instantly clear up about 90% of my brain fog. It was so profound and life changing that I am completely in love with my Wellbutrin, even though most people think it's a horrible medication. I have literally no side effects, though. For me it is a miracle pill.

The other related thing is that I found out I have no depth perception. Or rather, I have very poor depth perception. I have depth perception for about three feet in front of my face, but nothing after that. That means I can pass most of the depth perception tests, since they only test for close-up depth perception. That's why the eye doctors never noticed I was stereoblind. You're probably wondering how this is related, so let me explain: lacking depth perception is why I could never catch a ball, hit a ball with a bat, or go down stairs. It's why I'm sitting here with a bloody knee. So, my eyesight is related to my whole brain fog situation.

Anyway, have you seen a doctor about your situation? There might be medication that could help you. My apologies if you are not into medication -- I completely understand. I don't want to tell anyone they should take pills. I didn't want to take medication for years, and sometimes I still feel like chucking out the pills, even though they are so helpful for me.

I just wanted to let you know that I have experienced similar problems, and I found both explanations and help. Don't give up! Keep seeking and I know things will eventually get better for you

Whyrl - a lot of useful information here. I feel that I can relate a lot to what you have said.

What's interesting is that I have since I started this thread been to a psychologist for some emotional problems - and he helped me see that I have Bipolar II. Because you have it too, although it's Bipolar I, could there be a connection? I haven't discussed my dissociation much with my psychologist though - I'll see what he reckons. I'm happy to try out medication that he recommends, and see if it helps in any way. Another user on here recommended modafinil - I'm glad it worked for him but for me it didn't lead to anything except not sleeping for 2 days. I will have to look up the kind you take. Guess we all find what works best for us.

Hi OP,

I relate to all of this. Could you please provide an update on your situation—how are you doing?

-Bronzedorange

p.s I made an account just to reply to this, naming it similarly to your username haha.