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How to deal with DPD Husband

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How to deal with DPD Husband

Postby donnamabob » Tue Jun 05, 2012 12:43 am

I just found out that my husband has DPD. It's so bad that we're selling our house because he is barely able to do anything without my help, and the responsibility of being a homeowner and caring for my husband (and our baby) is just way too much for me to bear. Anyway, I really have no idea how to begin to cope with this. I am seeing a therapist, and she's helping me to work along side of my husband on projects (like stacking fire wood) because he can't do it alone, just to balance the work load a little better until we can get some solutions in place that work better.

Now that I know what's going on, I find that I'm very angry. I guess that when we were dating he was still largely dependent on his mother, so I didn't really have a clue (although there were some warning signs that I could only see in retrospect). He was also very dishonest throughout our entire dating relationship and engagement about who he is and what he wants out of life. In essence, he told me that we have the same life goals and dreams and future vision. I guess this is related to the disorder somehow, but I still feel like I got tricked into marrying him. Now I find out that he actually doesn't want the same things out of life as me, but he "wanted to want them", because I want them. I thought I married a man, but I find out that he's actually a child who has to consult me before doing even the smallest things for himself (like picking out clothes in the morning).

My husband is basically sucking the life out of me. He's controlling my actions because he is so needy and dependent on me I feel like no matter how hard I try to have a healthy lifestyle, he just sucks it away from me like a vacuum of desperation. He follows me around the house, and peers around corners so that I don't see him, and he constantly watches everything that I do because he cannot function unless I'm right there with him instructing him on how to breathe.

I really don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle this. He's constantly begging me to touch him, and give him "words of affirmation" and reassure him that he's this great and wonderful person - but I just don't feel like he is. I don't have anything good to say to him, and it's so hard to feel attracted to someone who has absolutely zero confidence in themselves. He looks great, but when he asks me for directions to get to a place that we've been to a million times, he could be Tom Cruise and look unattractive to me.

Does anyone have any advice? I want to be patient (and I know that I need to be), but I just can't get past my anger. I didn't sign up for this. If I had, that would be completely different, but I didn't - I was lied to, and now I'm stuck in this situation. To make matters worse, I'm pretty sure that his mother doesn't like me because I refuse to treat him like a baby. I didn't see that one coming either :(
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Re: How to deal with DPD Husband

Postby Fallen_Angel73 » Tue Aug 14, 2012 4:04 am

donnamabob wrote:I didn't see that one coming either :(

Must feel like you've been trapped into a conspiracy :?

Have you made any progresses since you posted?
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Re: How to deal with DPD Husband

Postby JoyIsThriving » Wed Oct 24, 2012 1:20 pm

I too have a DPD husband. What I've realized is that tho' I didn't want to see it, the indications were there all along during our dating time. He SAID things to try to make me think otherwise, but BEHAVIOR is everything, and if *I* hadn't been so all fired up to be married (as in happily ever after fantasy scenario), I would have been much more attuned to who I was really dating (not who he SAID he was), and his unhealthy neediness.

Had I myself been in a rational state, I would have picked up on:
- why did he have no buddies that he did activities with?
- why did he have no hobbies he went off and did?
- why was he so enmeshed w/ his mommy?
- why was he SO available the minute we met?

I could go on, but you get the picture of what *I* personally was ignoring which is my own doing.

Good luck in sorting out your own stuff, cuz that's all any of us can change.... ourselves and our reactions/responses to external stimuli. Therein has been my key to finding peace and contentment.

Joy
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Re: How to deal with DPD Husband

Postby gay61 » Mon Jun 30, 2014 2:07 pm

You may not read this because your post was 2 years ago but I just want to say thank you for the big WOW moment. You described my partner to a T. I have been trying to figure out what is going on with him and I know now. This type of behavior is so frustrating that it has been hard to stay with him. However, since he was abandoned as a child , grew up in an orphanage, served 3 tours in Viet-Nam, was a prisoner of war for 8 months, is loving with me, ( except sexually - he is addicted to porn and we aren't sexual ) supports me financially ( I am retired and could take care of myself but he has made life very comfortable. ) Of course I have to take care of all the finances as well as all the decisions, I could not abandon him.
The main problems I have been dealing with are about the same as yours : Last year we bought a beautiful house. He can't tell a weed from a flower, the neighbors mow the lawn. ( However, in the winter he keeps their lots clear of snow. More of his DPD behavior ) Yet, so many things need to be done around the property and I just don't have the strength or desire to do them. ( we are both 71 ) Anyway, I find myself breathing easier since I read your post. Maybe we will sell the house and get an apt. As long as I don't have to tell him to do stuff, I can just enjoy him. Until today I havebeed so confused and frustrated. Thanks for sharing, I hope you have moved on.
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Re: How to deal with DPD Husband

Postby Shelllie » Thu Sep 01, 2016 6:01 pm

:!: I understand your feelings...as much as I can.

I cannot even imagine what it must be like to have given birth, dealt with the aftershocks of reproduction and still having this person hanging off you.

I will go into my story at another time. You wrote this a while back and I have first hand experience with the bitter truth that this pattern gets heavier over time. I hope you are looking after yourself. You should not have to suffer because your husband was "breastfed" for too long.

I wonder if you are like me in that you just want to get away, escape or whether you took the Counselling approach. I find that even though these kind of people initiate attacks they are experts in convincing others that you are the aggressor. In my case "she gets upset if I ask a question" offered to my Father who I am convinced despises women. One point is he guesses and screws up things he does not really know....I have to fix the damage and he asks only questions to which he knows the answers in his vying for compliments.

I understand this is or maybe was painful.Good ...well everything to you.

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Re: How to deal with DPD Husband

Postby Shelllie » Thu Sep 01, 2016 8:12 pm

Everything is there:

No real buddies just a stream of stories about people from his twenties who are obviously not so keen to have him in their lives. He has started to mess around with my hobbies/interests because he has none of his own. Now I don't get any downtime at all it's like handling a maniacal toddler. His communication skills are so strange because formed sentences seem not to be well thought out just reactions to my irritated exhaustion.

I have MS...the fatigued, lopsided low strength variety. I live in Tokyo with my Japanese husband..or is he? For three years now I have done all the thinking, the planning and the execution I tell him what is happening but it really is like inviting a bench player to a high stakes game. Imagine that he left his sick girlfriend to unpack the boxes, assemble furniture - including the bed we don't share - so he could go and play with his niece five hours away.

Yesterday I went out and got a twinge of the sexual variety. I had dragged myself to the other side of town to finish some immigration paperwork. It was better to do it than sit around having conversations ABOUT doing it. For the first time in a long time I was in the presence of more assertive people that regarded me as a woman...not a substitute Mummy. I need more of that.
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Re: How to deal with DPD Husband

Postby suz1972 » Tue Nov 21, 2017 6:18 am

I am fairly certain my husband has this too. Who did you see to diagnosis yours with DPD and was there any treatment that helped? Mine doesn't have hobbies or friends he hangs out with. He only does what I do. His birthday was recently and I tried to make him choose something he would like to do, but he was incapable of saying anything except things I do. When we work on the yard, he won't do anything except what I am working on. He gets mad when I suggest he help with something else so we can finish faster. I don't even know how I missed this all this time. He is very suspicious about silly things, and I get frustrated with constantly having to report to him. He put cameras up and checks my phone and email. It is very weird, I had to disconnect the cameras inside the house, it just made us all uncomfortable.
Is there a support group for this? I would love to talk to someone who can relate. I don't think my situation is as bad as some of the above stories, but I definitely have many similarities.
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Re: How to deal with DPD Husband

Postby aprn2020 » Wed Feb 28, 2018 11:22 am

I feel for you as I am dealing with the same thing. We actually separated 16 months ago and he has been living at his parents house. However, throughout this entire time we have been still seeing each other and sleeping together due to his persistence that he "needs" me and my codependent behaviors that have developed as a result of being in this relationship. Two weeks ago we were completely done and going no contact but then I texted him to please change his mailing address. This led to hooking back up again and him suggesting marriage counseling. I did agree to the marriage counseling but am hesitant because, though the separation hurts, the anxiety I have while around him is difficult to deal with. The problem with this personality disorder is not only that you are cast into a mommy role rather than a wife role, but also that you are manipulated and lied to in order for them to get their needs met by you. My husband has talked to other women inappropriately when he feels a threat to the relationship. A threat to the relationship could be just another morning discussion about financial plans to any other couple but this is threatening to him since he cant handle any criticism- even when its presented in a very constructive manor. Over the last 9 years this relationship has beaten me down. It took me years to recognize what was wrong even though my body was trying to tell me from the start. I developed anxiety and depression. I got sick a lot. I started having back pain without injury. Little by little it all began chipping away at my self confidence and happiness. That's part of the problem now is that with my lower self confidence it is hard to break off the relationship for good. This disorder is no joke! It will destroy you. I have to find my way out of this somehow. Before being with him I was happy, content and secure. I had no history of anxiety or depression. I was on no medications. Now I am on Adderall for exacerbated ADHD and depression. I have Ativan as needed for anxiety. This is all despite working out regularly, meditating, successful career that I love and eating well. So my advise...either get him to commit to full time counseling or leave the relationship and get therapy of your own for your codependence.
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