husband with delusional jealousy

helloo, this is kind of long but i kinda need to vent.
first let me start by saying i love my husband more than words can describe. we have been together 12 years and have 6 children. (2 his, 3 mine and 1 ours). my youngest 3 children live with us (ages 12,12 and 9). my husband has always had a bit of a jealous streak and has always cheated on his sognificant others. my husband has cheated on me multiple times and has had various drug addictions, and has been clean for over a year now.
may of 2010 my husbands oxy addiction came to a head and i had caught him talking to other women on singles web sites again. i was 5 months pregnant at the time with a high risk pregnancy with twins and had placenta previa.i found his account and his passwords and saw all the conversations. that morning he had been 2 days without opiates and was in withdrawal. when confronted on breaking his promises yet again, he attempted to kill himself with a bottle of 100 doxepin pills. he was rushed to the hospital and kept for observation after his stomach was pumped, he blamed it all on me, i drove him to it. the doctor reccomended inpatient rehab. i agreed. we found a wonderful place that would not only treat the addiction but help with anger management and had daily psych visits to treat the underlying cause of the addiction. being a nurse myself, tyhis was fantastic news. the day of discharge he refused to go. i played the tough love role and told him if he didnt go he couldnt come home. he left the hospital and came home and got his car which i had put his belongings in. he left and went and stayed with one friend, then another friend and his wife. although suspicious of frequent lengthy phone calls between he and his friends wife, i didnt know he actually had something going with his friend (excuse me, his dealers) wife. after being gone for 2 weeks, he agreed to come home and go to rehab. he told the kids, we scheduled the day and time...and....he never showed up. apparently he and his friends wife took off together. needless to say, my children and i were devestated.
it was a rough couple of weeks. fast forward 4 weeks, i lost my job due to missed time to file a protective order when he threatened me and latenesses due to child care issues. exactly a week later while packing up my house to move myself and my children in with my parents, i went in to premature labor. my local hospital rushed me to a higher level hospital where my husband rushed to my side. our twin boys were born 2 days later 15 weeks premature. we stayed at the nicu and the ronald mcdonald house with them until at 2 weeks old one passed away and at 3 weeks old the other passed away. this was so devastating to us, our parents, our children, everyone.
we then went to stay with my parents with our children. homeless, neither of us working. we got my husband into a suboxone program which he has stuck with ever since. during all this my husband made so many promises and assurances how different things were going to be. 4 months after our boys passed away, we couldnt stay with my parents any longer so i got a good paying job as a nurse manager and went back to work. 4 weeks later we were back in our own hosue with our children.
through all my husbands addiction problems and the loss of our boys i realized that i was co dependent and vowed that i would not rely on him or how he treated me for my own emotional well being. after being back in our own house for months, my husband, although faithful, just didnt treat me like he loved me. he wouldnt get a job to relieve any of the financial stress off me, when it came to the kids sports, i did all the scheduling and transporting and he rarely touched me. the final straw was on valentines day when i wanted him and he pushed me away. i made the decision to stop trying so that i wouldnt allow him to hurt me anymore. thats when things got tragically worse.....
after that my husband became even more jealous and controlling. swearing i was having affairs, accusing me of any male he saw at my place of unemployment, constantly calling me names. in july of this year it got even worse to where he was staying up all night for days ata time, going through my phone, checking all my emails, my facebook, my call logs, on my cellp[hone account. he calls numbers off my phone in the middle of the night and wakes people up. he finally left and went to his dads. we had tickets to a baseball game that friday so i ended up taking the kids by myself. he swore i was there with my kids and my boyfriend. those 3 days he was at his dads he started to become psychotic to the point of where he told his stepmother that i called him at 3 in the morning and told him i didnt love him and to not call me anymore cause i have company in my bedroom. he showed up at my house the nexct day and started taking some of his tools out of the basement. accusing me, calling me names, broke my phone, told our kids what a whore i was etc. he was so off, he couldnt even walk straight. he then showed me a whole bottle of xanax he had stolen from his dad and told me he was going to kill himself. he left the house drove around the block and came back but i had locked the door. he banged on the door and demanded and begged for me to let him in which i refused. he told me he was going to go kill himself now then walked down the sidewalk and threw his phone at my house breaking both his phone and my window. he then got in his truck, drove around the block and slammed his truck into the passenger side of my car. i called the police and he ended up being taken to the hospital under an emergency petition. once they pumped his stomach and cleared him medically he was placed in a psych holding area and deemed incompetent. while in the emergency room he was so bizarre. saying things to his mother and the doctors that i was in the parking lot in a truck having sex with my boyfriend in the hospital parking lot and that i had moved my boyfriend in to our house. when he was seen the following day by the psychiatrist (which was a sunday) he was diagnosed with paranoid delusional psychosis, bipolar disorder and delusional jealousy. the doctor told me he was being admitted for inpatient psych treatment and would be there about a week. he was going to get antipsychotics and mood stabilizers and wouldnt be discharged until his delusions had resolved. the following morning ,which was monday, i was told he was refusing his meds and they would pursue a court order to have him take his meds. that same afternoon he was discharged. why? we had no insurance. he had a friend pick him up, drove to his dads house stole another bottle of 90 xanax and punched his 70 year old father in the face. he doesnt remeber the next 2 days during which time i picked hinm up from a hotel and brought him back home with the promise that he would get the free outpatient help the hospital reccomended. he never did.
so, for the last 3 months, i have been dealing with daily accusations and name calling, extreme fights, checking me on gps, if he comes to pick me up at work and sees a male employee or doctor in my office im sleeping with them. when we are at the childrens sports games, i will be talking to some of the other moms and he swears im talking to the male coaches. he tells me daily that i dont love him and im torturing him. he has had a second hospital visit for threatening to kill himself in august but was released in a few hours. he swears he sees picture messages on the cell phone account that i have sent to other men but when i tell him to show me they arent there and he swears i erased them. he accuses me of leaving work for lunch daily and having an affair at a park. i was counseled this week by my director of nursing that i have 2 weeks to fix this or i will be terminated. he texts and calls multiple times a day when hes in one of his moods and if i am with patients or in a meeting or meeting with families and dont answer or eespond, its proof that i am having this alleged affair. i rush out of work every day after 8 hours on the dot just so he doesnt accuse me. he drives me to work daily and picks me up, but swears i leave.
dont get me wrong, there are still days at a time where everything is great and he is like his old self again, but more frequently its pure torture for me and my kids. he swears he doesnt have a problem and doesnt need any psychiatric help that its all me. he swears this is the same reaction any man would have when his wife is cheating, constantly begs me to just tell him "the truth". now he has convinced himself that the reason i am in trouble at work is not because of him but because i have missed so much time having my affair. my cell phone was stole from my office last week and he is convinced that i either gave it to my boyfriend or sold it and gave the money to my boyfriend.
i am at my wits end. i dont know what else to do. he desperately needs help and me and our children cant go through this anymore. i have offered to take a polygraph, but will this even help? part of me thinks that when i take it and pass he will see that i have been telling the truth but part of me knows that it wont make a difference.

lovemyhusband

i am so sorry you have to go through all this. you have so much on your plate. specially dealling with the lose of your babys your self letalone havening to put up with that crap from the one you love. and him putting you through att that and the kids. id say he has no idar and when its all happening hes in a state of mind. him getting help will make all your lifes better even his. hes obviuslly deallying with the lose of the babys to maby thats whats made him worse its sent him in to a episode from the hurt and lose. your one strong womon i tell ya to put up with it all and deal with it. its so sad about your babys though and i think thats what every one forgets about how u are and how your feeling. xo

Almost 7 years later and it still No better. We have attempted marriage counseling, but he didn't like the marriage counselor. Honestly the council wasn't doing much to help us just kind of sitting there and listening to us argue. I have continued to be faithful I have continued to be a good wife. He just seems to get worse and worse. He twists his memories of things that happened years ago to feed into this delusion.
I have been accused of everyone and anyone that is a male that we have been around accept both of our fathers and my brother. I have been accused of my teenage son's friends and my stepson's friends that I have known since they were little children. If a wrong number calls my cell phone, it is very obviously my boyfriend calling meAnd a signal for me to get in touch with him.
If I do anything to make myself feel better about myself like dye my hair get my nails done, try to lose weight, or buy new clothes, I'm doing it to make myself more sexually attractive to other men. He can't seem to fathom that after 18 years of being cheated on I have no self esteem left.
We are currently separated and he has been living in his father's basement for over a year now. We still talking everyday and see Each Other frequently, He comes home for a couple days and stays here quite often. It's still like a goddam roller coaster. There will be a couple of really really good days where he super attentive, super affectionate, and can't stop telling me how much he loves me and how he knows that I would never cheat on him. Then those couple days are over and there will go days to weeks of daily accusations of ridiculous things.
I have been accused of manipulating Facebook, getting on his Facebook to talk to his friends behind his back.I can no longer get on his Facebook to check up on him and make sure hes not talking to other women because if I do he swears I'm doing it to talk to his friends.
He is recently told me that I have attempted and Succeeded in seducing all of his friends and that he is now a laughing stock and a joke amongst his friends from the day we met 18 years ago
His brother and stepbrother who I never talk to both posted Happy Birthday on my Facebook page, therefore I am having affairs with them.
I am the assistant director of nursing in a nursing home and the unit managers all report to me and the director of nursing. We generally use our cell phones to text each other throughout the day because we are generally out on the units and not in our offices. Unfortunately, one of the unit managers is a mail.Despite the fact that I never delete any of my texts so that they are always there for him to Look at, he has decided that the innocent text about the patients in the nursing home between me in the mail unit managerHave other meanings.
As of today, the reason I am being ostracized and call a skunk in a hoar is because apparently one of his best friends for about 30 years and I are having an affair. The so called proof that he hasIs that I don't text or call him after 1030.So if he is sleeping at his father's house and I am home alone in bed sleeping, I must actually not be sleeping. In his mind he has become convincedThat I am sneaking his friend in after his friend's wife goes to work. His proof is that he doesn't hear from me after 10:30 at night. This friend of his also happens to be the birth father Of his brother's stepson, our nephew. He hasn't seen this friend often through the years but a couple of years ago they did get back in contact and this friend shot on our pool league team for about 6 months. This friend of his is a recovering heroin addict and has had many remissions. This friend of his also at One time was rumored to have been trading homosexual favors for drugs and/or drug money. It is beyond me why he would think that I would ever want a man like that period. On the rare occasion that this friend does get in touch with him he swears this friend always knows when he and I are having problems And is convinced that it's because I'm telling this friend. So he has decided that he is put 2 and 2 together and come up with 5 and because this friend's wife works night shift apparently, I don't know because I never talk to these people, I must be screwing this guy at night
I have been utterly and completely faithful to this man for over 18 years. I love this man with everything in me, I would never even think about cheating on him.I am someone who is always even as a small child try to do the right thing. My mother says I was born with a desire to follow the rules. I was raised in a Christian church with strong morals. And I live by there is Morals. Just the idea of being intimate with another man in any other way is appalling to me.
I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. I never know when or where the next accusation is going to come from. Whenever I'm on my phone or the Internet I'm accused of secretly messaging someone. He accuses me of cheating with a neighbor. Although he doesn't live here but is staying with his father, he has decided that I need to move into a newer and better house. I am not ready to move right now. Yes I got a large Raise last year when I got a promotion at work but I have been renting this house for 8 years. It is 2 blocks from my parents and my landlord is very lenient with late rent payments. He has never once filed a late rent notice when my rent is Late. My credit score is currently very low and I need to do some credit repair so I can buy a house. He sees none of this as a reason for me not to move. In his mind I won't move right now because I don't wanna either be away from the next door neighbor that I'm screwing or his friend who apparently lives somewhere within a mile of me. I honestly don't know where his friend lives because I don't talk to this guy
After so many years and so many accusations I don't know what to do. The more I deny that I have done any of these things the angrier he seems to get. He swears that I just refuse to admit to all the horrible things I've doneAnd that must mean that it's because I won't stop doing them. In his mind it can't possibly be that I want admit to things because I haven't done them.
Previously I was self assured, outgoing, friendly and usually a genuinely happy person. All of this has Caused me to be anxious, depressed, and even sometimes contemplating suicide. My nerves are constantly on edge because I never know what's going to come next. My life is spent walking on eggshells I have panic attacks. I am barrage and verbal I attacked with accusations on a regular basis. I know that this is verbal and emotional abuse. I know that his thought process is it logical And that this is delusions, but I still keep thinking that at some point he will realize how wrong he is. I know it's stupid to think that 1 day he'll magically wake up and realize hes wrong, but I can't help it.
If I get angry and argue when I'm being accused, if I raise my voice to him that proof positive that I'm guilty. If I refuse to argue to him that's proof positive that I'm guilty. It's a no win situation
About a year ago I finally decided that I would take a lie detector test to prove to him once and for all that I've never cheated on him. I looked online and found a local one that was relatively cheap at $400. I contacted this woman, scheduled and paid for the test myself and went and took the test with him. Unfortunately, I fail to do any research on what a lie detector test really does. Had I done any research I would have never done it. I went into the lie detector test thinking that this magic Box would off automatically prove to my husband once and for all that I was telling him the truth. Little did I know that all the machine does is register your fight or flight response during questioning. This is the reason they don't do lie detector tests when rape or abuse victims. I went into the test confident that this was gonna be the solution to all our problems. The polygraph examiner called me 3 days later to give me the test results.To my shock and surprise she inform me that not only had I failed but that I had failed miserably and that I was a horrible liar.I couldn't understand how this could possibly have happened. I was telling the truth the whole time. After much research and consulting an expert experienced polygraph examiner I discovered that an experience polygraph examiner would have never done the test on me Because of the verbal and emotional abuse that is occurred over this issue.
Obviously my husband refuses to believe this.
I'm really and truly at a loss. I don't know what to do. I really do love this man. I really have never cheated on him. I want my husband back. I want me back. I want everything to be normal. I just don't understand how he can't see how good we could be together if you would just stop these accusations.When hes not angry at me and accusing me of things other people are actually jealous of the affection and love they can see between us. I just want this all fixed. I feel hopeless and I feel helpless.

lovemyhusband wrote:I'm really and truly at a loss. I don't know what to do.

... stop caring. and stop trying to justify yourself. you know you haven't done the things that you're being accused of. you're never going to convince him of that. all you're achieving here is grinding yourself into the dirt. simply find ways to not engage with these accusations in any way. one of the simplest is to always be too busy. or, failing that, to remember something that needs your immediate attention. don't argue these things, just state whatever excuse you think suitable at the time and get out of the situation as soon as this issue arises in any way. only by distancing yourself from all this are you going to have any peace of mind.

lovemyhusband wrote:I really do love this man. I really have never cheated on him. I want my husband back.

... nearly 7 years on, i think you know that's not going to happen. you have to be realistic here. hope is a wonderful thing. but false hope is just plain misguided.

lovemyhusband wrote:I want me back.

... you never lost you. you are who you always were. so, you don't really mean this. What you really mean is that you want your relationship back, and you aren't your relationship.

lovemyhusband wrote:I want everything to be normal.

... see. and, again, i think you know that's not going to happen. this is just another false hope.

lovemyhusband wrote:I just don't understand how he can't see how good we could be together if you would just stop these accusations.When hes not angry at me and accusing me of things other people are actually jealous of the affection and love they can see between us. I just want this all fixed.

... more false hope, i'm afraid. whatever the reason, he can't see this. and all you can do is accept that reality. fighting against something that you can't possibly change is only going to wear you down, and it has. you surely know this. recognise it for the mistake that it is.

lovemyhusband wrote:I feel hopeless and I feel helpless.

... because you're invested in false hopes and, deep down, you know it. only you can change this.

now, i'm not exactly renown for my 'tea and sympathy' act. i could say: oh dear, how sad, i do hope that things will get better for you. but that, to me, would just be offering you more false hope. i refuse to do that. you've suffered all of this for nearly 7 years now. you're a strong person. change your mind here and use that strength to take back control of your own life.

Shock_the_monkey's advice is tough, but it's correct.

The advice from experts is to change the subject when someone brings up their delusions. Never agree or appear to confirm the delusion. Arguing doesn't help either; it only makes the delusional person more anxious...and thus, more delusional.

Do NOT let anyone tell you when or where to move. Chances are that if you did move, even into a house your husband chose, his disease would ultimately tell him that your true reason for relocating was to be nearer a lover (who doesn't even exist in reality).

I don't think it's a good idea for him to even stay with you for a few days at a time. The good times will give you false hope and break your heart all over again. Also, there's the chance that he's just staying there so that he can uncover more "evidence". Never let him look at your phone, email, social media, or GPS again.

LMH, you mentioned that your husband is living with his father part of the time. Have you had a chance to talk to his father about him, and if so, has his father let on that he notices something is off? Does he trust his father? Maybe his father can get him to visit a therapist who can convince him to try some meds.

Sadly, I think that this will have to end by divorce. You are living in purgatory. He's sick, and he's going to pull you down with him. And it's not really his fault; it's a symptom of the disease. But you cannot let the disease claim BOTH of you. You have kids to raise.

-- Wed May 30, 2018 8:56 pm --

Shock_the_monkey's advice is tough, but it's correct.

The advice from experts is to change the subject when someone brings up their delusions. Never agree or appear to confirm the delusion. Arguing doesn't help either; it only makes the delusional person more anxious...and thus, more delusional.

Do NOT let anyone tell you when or where to move. Chances are that if you did move, even into a house your husband chose, his disease would ultimately tell him that your true reason for relocating was to be nearer a lover (who doesn't even exist in reality).

I don't think it's a good idea for him to even stay with you for a few days at a time. The good times will give you false hope and break your heart all over again. Also, there's the chance that he's just staying there so that he can uncover more "evidence". Never let him look at your phone, email, social media, or GPS again.

LMH, you mentioned that your husband is living with his father part of the time. Have you had a chance to talk to his father about him, and if so, has his father let on that he notices something is off? Does he trust his father? Maybe his father can get him to visit a therapist who can convince him to try some meds.

Sadly, I think that this will have to end by divorce. You are living in purgatory. He's sick, and he's going to pull you down with him. And it's not really his fault; it's a symptom of the disease. But you cannot let the disease claim BOTH of you. You have kids to raise.

-- Wed May 30, 2018 8:56 pm --

Shock_the_monkey's advice is tough, but it's correct.

The advice from experts is to change the subject when someone brings up their delusions. Never agree or appear to confirm the delusion. Arguing doesn't help either; it only makes the delusional person more anxious...and thus, more delusional.

Do NOT let anyone tell you when or where to move. Chances are that if you did move, even into a house your husband chose, his disease would ultimately tell him that your true reason for relocating was to be nearer a lover (who doesn't even exist in reality).

I don't think it's a good idea for him to even stay with you for a few days at a time. The good times will give you false hope and break your heart all over again. Also, there's the chance that he's just staying there so that he can uncover more "evidence". Never let him look at your phone, email, social media, or GPS again.

LMH, you mentioned that your husband is living with his father part of the time. Have you had a chance to talk to his father about him, and if so, has his father let on that he notices something is off? Does he trust his father? Maybe his father can get him to visit a therapist who can convince him to try some meds.

Sadly, I think that this will have to end by divorce. You are living in purgatory. He's sick, and he's going to pull you down with him. And it's not really his fault; it's a symptom of the disease. But you cannot let the disease claim BOTH of you. You have kids to raise.

It is absolutely hell living like this. He gas twisted so many things. Strangely enough, there is a coworker of his i have never even met or talked to that he has accused me of cheating with for a couple of years now. The strange part is this man sent me a friend request on fb today. As i clearly gave nothing to hide, i notified my husband right away. Why? Because i told him i would always be truthful and not hide things from him. And i anticipated that my husband, ny protector would stand up for me and also see that im not hiding things from him. Well instead, he blamed me. He saw the friend request as proof positive that im having an affair with this man. So instead of getting amgry and feeling betrayed towards his coworker, he decided it was an elaborate ruse set up by me and his coworker to cover up the fact that our fb accounts were connected (not even sure what he means by that). So i instead sent the asshole a message calling him out for randomly sending a friend request to his coworkers wife. He respinded thst he hadnt so then i sent him a picture of the request and again basically told him off. Of course in my husband's eyes, that was wrong as well. I honestly dont know how or why this person sent me a friend request as my husband actually has me blicked from his fb. Again, my husband sees that as even more proof.
Theres so many examples i see on other threads of these bizarre paranoid behaviors that my husband exhinits...
Call or text from the wrong number? Its obviously my lover.
Neighbor mzkes noice next door, the husband is signaling me.
I get my nails done, cut my hair, buy new clothes....im obviously trying to either look goid for my boyfriend or its just that i have the insatiable desire to have attention from all men.
If i have a sniffle, i now have a cocaine problem too.
If i shave my legs...going to see the boyfriend.
Didnt really go to the grocery store....went to see my boyfriend
Got my promotion last year because....you guessed...sleeping with my boss
Car slows down anywhere near our house... my boyfriend is checking up on me or stopping by.
I am a sex addict and i need some help.
I am so cold and uncaring, why do i torture him so?
My 19 year old twins know all about my whoring ways and give him funny looks because they really want to tell him.
My sons teenage friends....sleeping with me.
Apparently i have successfully seduced 100% of his friends and relatives, and none of them will tell him because they are all afraid of him. That success rate is better than a playboy model so i guess i should be flattered.
I use my paycheck to pay bills for men i sleep with.
I post ads on craigslist looking for carsex.
I bought a locking bracelet and gave him the key, he swears o either bought two or my boyfriend has the real key.
If i check his Facebook or phone, im not checking up on him, im talking to his friends
If i check his location on gps, its to make sure he isnt sneaking up on me and my boyfriend.
The list goes on and on.

I really feel your pain as I am in the same boat. 2 years of hell and I am in the process of arranging to move out because he won't. Just some of the issues:
I can't go out unaccompanied without causing a major fight
Apparently, I scratch my private areas a lot which means I'm having an affair
If I go to the shops, I take too long and apparently my make up is rubbed off around my lips
Apparently, I'm not as tight as I used to be which is because my imaginary boyfriend is huge
When he leaves the house for 7 - 10 mins to drop the kids at school, I sneak my boyfriend in for a quickie
I am under constant surveillance - he rarely leaves the house but when he does, he hides his phone and records me or puts a wireless video camera in various places around the house
In his mind, everything I say is a lie - I've apparently developed bipolar and I'm narcassistic
Apparently I've uploaded videos of myself having sex with my boyfriend on Pornhub
The list just goes on and on. I haven't posted here before and I'll probably start a thread so I can get some support (hopefully) but I just wanted to say to you:

Do not get a lie detector test!

Seriously, don't do it. I did it. It came back inconclusive probably because I was so stressed by what was happening. That was the worst decision I've ever made. Believe me when I say it doesn't matter what the result is. If it says you are truthful, it will be because you knew how to beat it. If it says you aren't truthful, it's only confirming what he 'already knows'.

I honestly thought I could fix my husband and I guess I still hold onto that hope but I don't think it is possible unless your other half can admit he needs help. Mine is seeing a psych this coming Monday but it is on the condition that I also get assessed for bipolar/schizophrenia etc.