helloo, this is kind of long but i kinda need to vent.
first let me start by saying i love my husband more than words can describe. we have been together 12 years and have 6 children. (2 his, 3 mine and 1 ours). my youngest 3 children live with us (ages 12,12 and 9). my husband has always had a bit of a jealous streak and has always cheated on his sognificant others. my husband has cheated on me multiple times and has had various drug addictions, and has been clean for over a year now.
may of 2010 my husbands oxy addiction came to a head and i had caught him talking to other women on singles web sites again. i was 5 months pregnant at the time with a high risk pregnancy with twins and had placenta previa.i found his account and his passwords and saw all the conversations. that morning he had been 2 days without opiates and was in withdrawal. when confronted on breaking his promises yet again, he attempted to kill himself with a bottle of 100 doxepin pills. he was rushed to the hospital and kept for observation after his stomach was pumped, he blamed it all on me, i drove him to it. the doctor reccomended inpatient rehab. i agreed. we found a wonderful place that would not only treat the addiction but help with anger management and had daily psych visits to treat the underlying cause of the addiction. being a nurse myself, tyhis was fantastic news. the day of discharge he refused to go. i played the tough love role and told him if he didnt go he couldnt come home. he left the hospital and came home and got his car which i had put his belongings in. he left and went and stayed with one friend, then another friend and his wife. although suspicious of frequent lengthy phone calls between he and his friends wife, i didnt know he actually had something going with his friend (excuse me, his dealers) wife. after being gone for 2 weeks, he agreed to come home and go to rehab. he told the kids, we scheduled the day and time...and....he never showed up. apparently he and his friends wife took off together. needless to say, my children and i were devestated.
it was a rough couple of weeks. fast forward 4 weeks, i lost my job due to missed time to file a protective order when he threatened me and latenesses due to child care issues. exactly a week later while packing up my house to move myself and my children in with my parents, i went in to premature labor. my local hospital rushed me to a higher level hospital where my husband rushed to my side. our twin boys were born 2 days later 15 weeks premature. we stayed at the nicu and the ronald mcdonald house with them until at 2 weeks old one passed away and at 3 weeks old the other passed away. this was so devastating to us, our parents, our children, everyone.
we then went to stay with my parents with our children. homeless, neither of us working. we got my husband into a suboxone program which he has stuck with ever since. during all this my husband made so many promises and assurances how different things were going to be. 4 months after our boys passed away, we couldnt stay with my parents any longer so i got a good paying job as a nurse manager and went back to work. 4 weeks later we were back in our own hosue with our children.
through all my husbands addiction problems and the loss of our boys i realized that i was co dependent and vowed that i would not rely on him or how he treated me for my own emotional well being. after being back in our own house for months, my husband, although faithful, just didnt treat me like he loved me. he wouldnt get a job to relieve any of the financial stress off me, when it came to the kids sports, i did all the scheduling and transporting and he rarely touched me. the final straw was on valentines day when i wanted him and he pushed me away. i made the decision to stop trying so that i wouldnt allow him to hurt me anymore. thats when things got tragically worse.....
after that my husband became even more jealous and controlling. swearing i was having affairs, accusing me of any male he saw at my place of unemployment, constantly calling me names. in july of this year it got even worse to where he was staying up all night for days ata time, going through my phone, checking all my emails, my facebook, my call logs, on my cellp[hone account. he calls numbers off my phone in the middle of the night and wakes people up. he finally left and went to his dads. we had tickets to a baseball game that friday so i ended up taking the kids by myself. he swore i was there with my kids and my boyfriend. those 3 days he was at his dads he started to become psychotic to the point of where he told his stepmother that i called him at 3 in the morning and told him i didnt love him and to not call me anymore cause i have company in my bedroom. he showed up at my house the nexct day and started taking some of his tools out of the basement. accusing me, calling me names, broke my phone, told our kids what a whore i was etc. he was so off, he couldnt even walk straight. he then showed me a whole bottle of xanax he had stolen from his dad and told me he was going to kill himself. he left the house drove around the block and came back but i had locked the door. he banged on the door and demanded and begged for me to let him in which i refused. he told me he was going to go kill himself now then walked down the sidewalk and threw his phone at my house breaking both his phone and my window. he then got in his truck, drove around the block and slammed his truck into the passenger side of my car. i called the police and he ended up being taken to the hospital under an emergency petition. once they pumped his stomach and cleared him medically he was placed in a psych holding area and deemed incompetent. while in the emergency room he was so bizarre. saying things to his mother and the doctors that i was in the parking lot in a truck having sex with my boyfriend in the hospital parking lot and that i had moved my boyfriend in to our house. when he was seen the following day by the psychiatrist (which was a sunday) he was diagnosed with paranoid delusional psychosis, bipolar disorder and delusional jealousy. the doctor told me he was being admitted for inpatient psych treatment and would be there about a week. he was going to get antipsychotics and mood stabilizers and wouldnt be discharged until his delusions had resolved. the following morning ,which was monday, i was told he was refusing his meds and they would pursue a court order to have him take his meds. that same afternoon he was discharged. why? we had no insurance. he had a friend pick him up, drove to his dads house stole another bottle of 90 xanax and punched his 70 year old father in the face. he doesnt remeber the next 2 days during which time i picked hinm up from a hotel and brought him back home with the promise that he would get the free outpatient help the hospital reccomended. he never did.
so, for the last 3 months, i have been dealing with daily accusations and name calling, extreme fights, checking me on gps, if he comes to pick me up at work and sees a male employee or doctor in my office im sleeping with them. when we are at the childrens sports games, i will be talking to some of the other moms and he swears im talking to the male coaches. he tells me daily that i dont love him and im torturing him. he has had a second hospital visit for threatening to kill himself in august but was released in a few hours. he swears he sees picture messages on the cell phone account that i have sent to other men but when i tell him to show me they arent there and he swears i erased them. he accuses me of leaving work for lunch daily and having an affair at a park. i was counseled this week by my director of nursing that i have 2 weeks to fix this or i will be terminated. he texts and calls multiple times a day when hes in one of his moods and if i am with patients or in a meeting or meeting with families and dont answer or eespond, its proof that i am having this alleged affair. i rush out of work every day after 8 hours on the dot just so he doesnt accuse me. he drives me to work daily and picks me up, but swears i leave.
dont get me wrong, there are still days at a time where everything is great and he is like his old self again, but more frequently its pure torture for me and my kids. he swears he doesnt have a problem and doesnt need any psychiatric help that its all me. he swears this is the same reaction any man would have when his wife is cheating, constantly begs me to just tell him "the truth". now he has convinced himself that the reason i am in trouble at work is not because of him but because i have missed so much time having my affair. my cell phone was stole from my office last week and he is convinced that i either gave it to my boyfriend or sold it and gave the money to my boyfriend.
i am at my wits end. i dont know what else to do. he desperately needs help and me and our children cant go through this anymore. i have offered to take a polygraph, but will this even help? part of me thinks that when i take it and pass he will see that i have been telling the truth but part of me knows that it wont make a difference.