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therapeutic writing

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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Thu Oct 29, 2020 12:02 am

Therapy was helpful.

When the fragment returns, I go to any place of strength (I have many sacred spaces) and I explain, I love you, but I don't choose you.

The long explanation: I don't want to grow old alone. I want to love and to feel happiness in my life. I want companionship and a real relationship. I do not choose to be with my broken bit of memory that was a protective force all those times I've been unwell. Thank you. You've been so helpful over the years, but it is time for me to love in real life. I want to build a relationship with my boyfriend. He's nice to me and kind. He is real, intelligent, funny, and loves people and stories. I'll always take you for tea, but you must leave me when your tea is cold.

For the first time in over a decade, I had the guilty pleasure last night of looking at a wedding magazine online. I enjoyed myself. No tears. No pain. No drama. I like Paul, and someday, I want to experience a fully bonded relationship. I like to imagine my future as happy.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunnyg
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Sun Nov 08, 2020 5:16 am

Today is a day of hope. I watched Biden and Harris. And have been playing their closing song on repeat. Higher love...

I'm still reeling from the loss of another youth to suicide this week at my daughter's school. My heart and prayers go out to the family. I never met the kid, but I imagine the advice he'd reach back to give from the otherworld... like don't drink.

Kinda like when I was grieving the loss of my old boss, and in my mind he joked that heaven has the best gym... It made me laugh. He always loved to make people laugh. I still miss Dr. C.

Rest in peace.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunnyg
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Wed Nov 11, 2020 2:32 pm

I got a Call from a New Hampshire number that my phone didn’t recognize last night. I answered it tentatively, Mitch knew what I was thinking. He joked about my wondering who was calling from the 603 area. It was good to hear his voice.

His joke got me thinking... what would I say if the physician ever called in real life? Tonight when I thought about it the usual waterworks began. I made myself envision it. It’s been so long. To apologize now would just break me again and probably cause harm if he left me isolated to deal with my reaction. It may make him feel better, but not in my best interest. I didn’t choose to feel this way. It just is. The only way I could accept contact would be with an agreement to meet me in therapy regularly and process reality. I have insight and support. I know he’s happily married and I have cognitively accepted that. What makes me cry to imagine is not a trauma sadness, it’s the thought of being treated humanely and with understanding. Should have been a treatment option years ago. Social inclusion is important to healing.

I suspect I’m not the only one impacted by trauma. What if he has a different version of events? I’d like to have his input and insight. But it’s probably a pipe dream.

If harming my daughter and me has not weighed heavy on him then he should not make contact. Eventually I’ll fix myself. Lord knows I try. If he feels he carries the weight of his actions, then maybe therapy isn’t a bad idea for either of us. I just would rather not be contacted if there isn’t a willingness to work on healing.

The way I feel isn’t healthy. It really sucks. Unrequited love / erotomania / or whatever limerence bond formed is too much for my mortal constitution to manage in isolation. If he were to call, then I need ongoing inclusive support to heal, or I prefer no contact. I believe in time I can heal, just need a relationship to hold me like what I have with my boyfriend as I heal. I’m not sure if the physician needs to heal too. If not, then leave me alone. And, I need to add Mitch’s new number to my contacts. So I don’t think erroneously that the physician would call.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunnyg
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Sunnyg
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Wed Nov 18, 2020 3:31 am

I bought a cd at the white light bookstore tonight. I had to find my daughters old karaoke machine to play it. I realized none of my computers play cds. And my stereo is digital. I’d purchased a meditation on grounding and protection. I think it’s gonna take visualizing an energy filter the size of Texas to cleanup the attachment issues. I’m purging old attachments and calling back all my energy.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunnyg
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Sunnyg
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Sat Nov 21, 2020 8:22 am

I’ve been having some minor success with grounding work. Then I heard that My boyfriend may have been exposed at work to a positive case... waiting to see if they’re positive. And my mind slipped into an old habit. I feel guilty about my thinking. I’d feel so much better if I was with my boyfriend.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunnyg
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Sunnyg
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Mon Nov 23, 2020 4:00 am

Good news. My daughter shared her story on Instagram. It was beautiful. Part of an outdoor socially distanced event. Her group about how to life is a movement. The KC event looked good.

I couldn’t help but resent the doctor who harmed me at my daughters birth... I sometimes wonder if he’s an occultist. If I knew more I wonder if I’d be able to heal better. I don’t believe in a simple reality. I’ll leave judgement to God and the higher power, but the impact he made on my life was tragically wrong. He should be ashamed for what he did. It hurt my mental health and wellbeing and my daughters. The damage to my daughter is profound. I hope he pays a high price in his soul for the pain he caused. I love but don’t choose you doctor. I choose love and healing, instead. Your wealth will never be worth the harm you caused us.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunnyg
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Sunnyg
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Posts: 1112
Joined: Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:03 pm
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