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therapeutic writing

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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Thu Jul 04, 2019 1:36 pm

The other night I dreamed I took off the ring of light. I told him that I could never love what he did to my daughter and me.

Then the music turned on.

It was Khalid “I like me better when I’m with you.”

At 11:50 my music stopped. I went to YouTube. That song “waiting” was paused in my playlist. Of all the crazy delusional feelings.

###$ you.

Why does that turn me on so much? Bastard.

His touch really did something to me. It infected me with desire and need. Not okay.

Sometimes I think it was an alternate reality.

I need to be loved, but every time I get close the the thought of him ruins everything. This is a bitter kinda hell.

I want an apology so I can work on forgiveness.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunny Mera
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Fri Jul 12, 2019 7:41 pm

I grasped something important that I'd forgotten to consciously talk about. That something is how I frame my thoughts about my memory of the physician.

1. When I think of what happened as it was, an unintentional accident and medical error, I can live in peace with my intrusive thoughts, dreams and fantasies.

2. When I think of it as sexual abuse, I am less able to deal with it. I don't like feeling bitter and angry.

I'm focused on acceptance, and how I think about my experience. I understand that the desire for the physician is a reflection of a missing part of me, something I want more of. I've never wanted anything more than I physically wanted him, I was fascinated with his intelligence, his kindness, and how he liked word games.

In therapy, sometimes I laugh at how absurd my trauma is. A stupid touch... I laugh until I cry, because of the profound impact on my intimate relationships. So far, nobody else is as interesting as my memories of the physician and his games with the anagrams and palindromes. But I'm gonna keep trying to find something better than the memory of a clinical error as my most intense sexual experience. And I hope that in time I can find true love, for now I try to lean on my love for friends and family.

To surpass my delusional love... it may take a miracle. It's been over 14 years and I still struggle on the daily, but at least I have skills to cope, and with medication I'm not psychotic. I'm thankful I'm not in a triggering work environment any longer. I'm trying not to deem it sexual abuse, because I believe in the good intentions of the physician, he made a mistake. He never would have touched me at the most vulnerable moment of my life, if he'd know the impact it would have.

My problem is that I'm on my own to cope, and I'm not always good at it.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunny Mera
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Sunnyg
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1041
Joined: Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:03 pm
Local time: Tue Jul 16, 2019 9:07 pm
Blog: View Blog (11)

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