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therapeutic writing

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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Thu Jul 04, 2019 1:36 pm

The other night I dreamed I took off the ring of light. I told him that I could never love what he did to my daughter and me.

Then the music turned on.

It was Khalid “I like me better when I’m with you.”

At 11:50 my music stopped. I went to YouTube. That song “waiting” was paused in my playlist. Of all the crazy delusional feelings.

###$ you.

Why does that turn me on so much? Bastard.

His touch really did something to me. It infected me with desire and need. Not okay.

Sometimes I think it was an alternate reality.

I need to be loved, but every time I get close the the thought of him ruins everything. This is a bitter kinda hell.

I want an apology so I can work on forgiveness.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Fri Jul 12, 2019 7:41 pm

I grasped something important that I'd forgotten to consciously talk about. That something is how I frame my thoughts about my memory of the physician.

1. When I think of what happened as it was, an unintentional accident and medical error, I can live in peace with my intrusive thoughts, dreams and fantasies.

2. When I think of it as sexual abuse, I am less able to deal with it. I don't like feeling bitter and angry.

I'm focused on acceptance, and how I think about my experience. I understand that the desire for the physician is a reflection of a missing part of me, something I want more of. I've never wanted anything more than I physically wanted him, I was fascinated with his intelligence, his kindness, and how he liked word games.

In therapy, sometimes I laugh at how absurd my trauma is. A stupid touch... I laugh until I cry, because of the profound impact on my intimate relationships. So far, nobody else is as interesting as my memories of the physician and his games with the anagrams and palindromes. But I'm gonna keep trying to find something better than the memory of a clinical error as my most intense sexual experience. And I hope that in time I can find true love, for now I try to lean on my love for friends and family.

To surpass my delusional love... it may take a miracle. It's been over 14 years and I still struggle on the daily, but at least I have skills to cope, and with medication I'm not psychotic. I'm thankful I'm not in a triggering work environment any longer. I'm trying not to deem it sexual abuse, because I believe in the good intentions of the physician, he made a mistake. He never would have touched me at the most vulnerable moment of my life, if he'd know the impact it would have.

My problem is that I'm on my own to cope, and I'm not always good at it.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunny Mera
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Sat Aug 10, 2019 2:58 pm

I struggle every time I translate lyrics on YouTube from the physician’s playlist. I so want to believe that he felt something and might care. I sometimes feel that he is making fun of what happened for instance: mana - en el mueller de San Blas.

I’m trying to move on... it doesn’t really go away.... my feelings... sometimes love, sadness, anger, and more love. I mean, it was an accident. I’m just trying to move forward. Listening to his youtube the songs and lyrics make me wonder... why? Why would he play with me like this? If he doesn’t love me couldn’t he stick to educational videos rather than funny Latin love songs?

“I live pretending a dream that doesn't count
I live imagining you, just imagining you
But love escapes, even though I lie to you
I was looking for you, waiting here for you alone”


It’s just I wish there was positive intent. I wish he loved me. I know I’ve called what happened sexual abuse but I believe it was an accident. I want him to send me an email and tell me what was real from his point of view. He read for a long time. The half written pirate romance. Then he has this odd home made video of his dad reading a poem “I wish I was a pirate”. I remember reading he named his bee hive after the main character. My email was honeysweetsunny. I thought it was sweet that he became a bee keeper. And he solved the riddle. It was “mead”, honey wine.

Anyway, I feel sad knowing that Everyone thinks I’m crazy for wanting to believe in his love. It isn’t that I haven’t tried dating. I’m trying. I like Paul... it’s just the fantasy I like with Paul is him getting an apology from the physician, and helping me gain peace.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunny Mera
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Sat Aug 10, 2019 9:48 pm

I struggle every time I translate lyrics on YouTube from the physician’s playlist. I so want to believe that he felt something and might care. I sometimes feel that he is making fun of what happened for instance: mana - en el mueller de San Blas.

My response was to post a link on YouTube of prairie playmate...

I’m trying to move on... it doesn’t really go away.... my feelings... sometimes love, sadness, anger, and more love. I mean, it was an accident. I’m just trying to move forward. Listening to his youtube the songs and lyrics make me wonder... why? Why would he play with me like this? If he doesn’t love me couldn’t he stick to educational videos rather than funny Latin love songs?

“I live pretending a dream that doesn't count
I live imagining you, just imagining you
But love escapes, even though I lie to you
I was looking for you, waiting here for you alone”


It’s just I wish there was positive intent. I wish he loved me. I know I’ve called what happened sexual abuse but I believe it was an accident. I want him to send me an email and tell me what was real from his point of view. He read for a long time. The half written pirate romance. Then he has this odd home made video of his dad reading a poem “I wish I was a pirate”. I remember reading he named his bee hive after the main character. My email was honeysweetsunny. I thought it was sweet that he became a bee keeper. And he solved the riddle. It was “mead”, honey wine.

Anyway, I feel sad knowing that Everyone thinks I’m crazy for wanting to believe in his love. It isn’t that I haven’t tried dating. I’m trying. I like Paul... it’s just the fantasy I like with Paul is him getting an apology from the physician, and helping me gain peace. https://youtu.be/ccupbnC6UAY
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunny Mera
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:05 pm

I’ve been thinking about the silence. I need to hear that physician say he doesn’t love me will never love me and explain why. It would hurt, but maybe I could move on that way. As it is there is this strange void of communication. A lack of understanding on my part. I broke because I couldn’t solve the puzzle alone. Maybe I’m wishing he’d help me fill in the understanding of what happened. If he was not involved, then I want to know.

When I was coerced out of the marriage in 2011, my then husband did info security at HBO. He was the chief ISO. Nobody believed anybody would take the time to interfere with me in 2011, when I was coerced out of the marriage. I experienced a Jason Born type computer hack and lost my mental health in response. Thankfully I had family support, went back on medicine and took some time off from work to heal. I mean, I felt coerced to kick him out but also realized I’d be sick for the rest of my life if I didn’t make him leave. Then in 2015, shortly after he’d made a job change to a big company that has a Clinton on the board of directors... HBO was hacked by the Iranians. I’ve followed the story in the news.
Just search “HBO hacked by Iranians.”

The motive behind the HBO hack has always been a mystery. I have an experience that would blow your mind too, if you’d had your browser talk to you in bold text in 2011. The problem was I liked the messages it was talking to me about. It showed me so many nice things and memories from my life. So I trusted the computer more than my info security husband, because it was nice to me.

Note to self... next time find a husband who is nice to me, who I would trust more than misbehaving technology.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunny Mera
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Sat Aug 31, 2019 5:49 pm

Recently I went on a retreat to a bible camp with my daughter. It was a mother daughter themed event. The leader asked us to write on a prayer card if we wanted to be prayed for. I signed my card... and asked to be prayed for strength to keep up when I’m not well and to stay above the teen drama and not get sucked in.

Ever since, I’ve had the strangest feeling of presence during meditation. I imagine children praying for my soul. It is beautiful.

I still struggle and imagine the physician and my inner connection... sadly, I’m dedicated to the memory of the most intense experience of my life - and it wasn’t even real - it was clinical- the intensity of being violated at the most sacred moment of my life - the labor at the birth of my daughter. I am trying to learn to cope with it, it still interferes at times. Mostly when my romantic partner isn’t worthy. I’m hopeful my therapist is right and I just need to be loved past it.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Wed Oct 02, 2019 2:21 am

Tonight I felt sad.

It’s the kind of sad that happens when I miss the memory of The physician. I felt like crying over my beans and potatoes. I swallowed back my sadness.

It’s not gone. I still feel connected to him. It is those quiet moments that I feel him the most. Last night I cried. I felt a warmth around me. I refuse to reciprocate love with my fantasy. It’s too painful knowing it’s not real. I keep thinking someday I’ll get over this... what if I never do? That’s why I cry. It’s been 14 years...

I wrote the physician a letter in June... I carried it with me most of the summer. Then penned an update in September. I addressed it and even stamped it. I haven’t mailed it...

Maybe I’m losing hope... my sadness is real.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunny Mera
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Tue Oct 08, 2019 4:19 pm

I need something to believe in. I want to believe in love. It just hurts so badly. The silence cuts deep.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunny Mera
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Fri Oct 11, 2019 2:54 am

Denying it is miserable. I need to love.
"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunny Mera
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Re: therapeutic writing

Postby Sunnyg » Fri Oct 11, 2019 8:27 pm

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Yellow Mandala & Red Lotus

-- Fri Oct 11, 2019 4:30 pm --

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"I trust that if I start to fall off the ladder of life again, others will pick me back up and put me back on."
-Sunny Mera
User avatar
Sunnyg
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