Life Affirming Plans

I'm looking forward to hosting a V-day Ladies Writing & Storytelling Group. This is the first V-day I'm looking forward to in a while. It's a potluck. We'll dish chili, cornbread, and stories. I've been working on my 3-5 minute reading.

Cancelling…

Divine intervention, the cleaning service has unsatisfactory practices, or the couches at my meetings.

I’ve been Waking up with bites. The inspector believed the middle option was the most likely explanation option in my home. He agreed, my bites on my arms are intense. But he couldn’t determine a source. I ordered traps. The telehealth doc thought my back looked suspicious. So now…. How best to cancel without freaking people out and making people paranoid.

I invited over half my lady friend contacts…. Around 40-50 people to explain to. How embarrassing. I swear the first leg bite was on a toilet in the basement of the church Saturday. I didn’t see the insect- I looked for it, but I felt it. I have the worst luck. And a toilet - of all the places.

Maybe I’ll go virtual…. I hate to cancel it.

I remember in sixth grade, I rode the bus everyday to school. There was a nice kid who I was friends with. His name was Justin and he rode the bus with me.

At the time my mom had a place by *mod edit* creek. I remember exploring the creek with Justin and my dogs spending time behind the pool and tennis court talking. We’d often hang out on a picnic table behind the house.

I remember getting upset with him at the end of the summer. He’d said something I didn’t believe. He told me I wouldn’t believe him, but that he wanted me to remember what love feels like.

I asked him what I wasn’t going to believe.

He said he had to go away, he was moving or something but that he wanted me to remember what love feels like.

Then he said he was God. I remember looking at the young kid in disbelief.

Of course I told him he was full of it. He smiled and said he told me I wouldn’t believe him.

When I got back to the house one of my brother’s blew my mind when he asked me why I was talking to myself at the picnic table?

I explained it was Justin. Apparently Ben couldn’t see him. I just figured Ben had poor vision and was too far away to see.

I remember trying to find Justin in my elementary yearbook. His picture was missing.

Thinking back, maybe it was my first mental health episode.

To be honest, I’m still sick and confused about my response to the physician. If it was a mistake then I can accept that and forgive that, and I want a hug (then I need to live my life and keep my boundaries; because anything else is a felony for New Hampshire doctors, right?). If it was intended then I want the opportunity to process that emotion (and you need help). If you were acting appropriately then the system needs a redesign.

We’ve never had a conversation to resolve this. This unresolved conflict in my memory of the exam is the root of my pain. I also recognize my role in my issue. There is a need for a conversation.

Friday the 13th will be the 11-year anniversary of the "act of God" that got me out of my relationship with my daughter's father. My sponsor said to call the fire an "act of God."

(The bedside lamp caught on fire the last time we were intimate. It scared me and made me believe I was coerced out of the relationship. I even wrote my city councilman that death by fire and sex would be a terrible way to go. Even though in my quiet moments I remember the bed rocking on the hardwood and searching for something to even out the legs, and the cord was right there. In part - I was probably to blame for the cord issue. But, I knew I'd be sick for the rest of my life if I stayed in the relationship.)

But the issue with the computer was out of my realm of influence. It was speaking to me in bold text... I wrote a book chapter, "Hacked" about the experience in 2011.

I recently experienced attending an event where I saw an aura with big eyes that looked like the cover art on post malone's "sunflower."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yncXzm5JMmY

I saw the big eyes in the aura near the presenter then it went over to the control panel by the wall. The PowerPoint presentation went to a black screen and the speaker's voice started to type the words on the screen. The speaker said "Well, this is different..." The words on the screen typed "Well, this is delusional..." then delusional autocorrected to "different".

When I experience these things like the sunflower cover art playing with the presenter at my conference, I wonder if maybe my higher power wants me to see these things. There was a room full of other professionals, nobody acted like anything was happening except the speaker talking about observing the issue with her presentation. I wasn't alone in watching the glitch.

I'm celebrating the 1st Friday the 13th anniversary that has fallen on the 13th in 11 years. I'm going to enjoy it with plans to attend a painting party with a group I spend a lot of time with - Sober. We are painting a sunrise, or a lake or something. I'm probably going to paint what I've been trying to work out for years, the Mandala I saw at the center of the lotus flower, with the white light shooting feelings of love from the source, my higher power loving me in my third eye during the birth of my daughter. They can paint the water and sunrise, I have other things I need to work on getting on the canvas.

On Friday, May 13th everything went along with the plans to celebrate 11 years of freedom. I went to the painting studio with a friend and met the rest of our group. At the end of the class, we lined up and took pictures with our paintings.

Someone asked my friend and I, "What class were you in?" We both laughed.

She'd painted her tribal seal, and I painted my memory from the birth trying to show people the beauty that has captivated my mind for so long, and especially the sacred geometry in the light. I still haven't mastered it, but someday, I'll be able to show others and hopefully move on. Everyone else painted the sunsetting on a lake in orange and blue... It was strange being in that group of sheep painting with the instructor. I felt happy to be doing my own thing next to my friend expressing her identity, too. It has beauty and value to me.

Unfortunately, the board attachment quota has been reached or I'd share a thumbnail of my painted memory.

I've been wondering if my friend the computer scientist will seriously visit, and if he thinks I'm the anti- post thesis blues solution... I have mixed emotions. My gut says "Yes! I'm in." My mind says, that I respect the level of sacrifice and dedication he's put into his education, and his love for his family. But, to be totally honest he doesn't see my strengths fully or I think things may have progressed differently. Wouldn't he have realized it years ago... Then again, he didn't believe me when I told him I was into him back in the mid 20teens. That's on him. He knows I love him, I can't help but love the men I've been with, and I believe that he has feelings of love for me too when he tells me so. We are friends and more. This just feels like his heart isn't in it. Like I'm the un-intentional backup plan, because the intended original plan failed. Maybe it's just the pandemic and not having seen him in a very long time. I was supposed to visit in January, but the surge happened... I want more with him. And I want for him to have what it is his heart desires. I love him too much to see him make any choice for the wrong reasons. And I love myself too much to have anyone less than passionately into me... tied to my life.