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Dualing with deClerambault

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Dualing with deClerambault

Postby ThatDream » Wed Jul 28, 2021 9:52 am

Episode 1:
A college crush that somehow finds a way to my dreams where it weaves a world for us to live in. A beautifully intoxicating home for every stray thought and hope and desire. A world that evolves and solidifies with every visit until I’m falling in love with my crush and the future I dream of. When the story threads dry up I create another world and another with different career paths, different friends, different locations but the same easy companionship and the same love.
It isn’t long, however, before the dream world clashes with reality. I see her with a guy who couldn’t possibly be her boyfriend because he isn’t me, but of course I’m lying to myself and the dream world crashes down around me. With an extraordinary amount of resilience, the dream world picks itself up, dusts itself down and rebuilds itself. The foundations are now cracked but somehow I start to dream again, at least until the next reality check. I crash and burn over and over and the heartache is real. I’m losing my dream partner, after all.

I leave college and try to put myself back together. Eventually, the heartache fades. I’d never had a mental illness before so I’m shaken that my reality was so distorted. I try to rationalize my experience and find a name for my episode, deClerambault’s Syndrome (DC). I discover all I can about my enemy, identify all the indicators and try to arm myself in case of further attacks (counterDC).

Episode 2:
I avoid any big DC encounters for years but my luck runs out with N. Some similarities with Ep 1. Crush that goes nowhere but hungrily devours my thoughts. DC is on one shoulder encouraging me whilst counterDC, on the other shoulder, is urging caution. DC distorts and counterDC over-corrects so it’s almost impossible to find my way to the true reality.
Inevitably, I’m left broken and I promise myself that next time I start dreamweaving I’ll stay clear of possible dream partners so that I don’t feed my DC.

Episode 3:
Two years ago I see L for the fist time. I feel a strong attraction to her but no reciprocation. Second meeting is brief and uneventful. Third meeting is also brief but there’s some eye contact and it feels like something is brewing. Covid strikes and I don’t see much of her during the first lockdowns but then I start hearing her voice in my street. At the sound of L speaking my name DC wakes up from his long sleep and begins to weave his magic. The new dream-world begin to grow and deepen and demands more and more of my time. I should resist. I know where it’s taking me but its endless paths and possibilities are lighting my way through a dark lockdown. I lose myself to my dream L in my DC worlds. My dream-world has moved so far ahead of reality that the two worlds have started to jar, pushing me further and further down the rabbit hole.
I hear L say she wants to spend the rest of her life with me and DC breaks free from his tether. He’s off. He’s flying like never before and he fills DC land with love and hope. Meanwhile counterDC is becoming increasingly uncomfortable. Something is off and it’s dawning on me that L’s affection for me is total and unconditional. She looks at me with pure uncontrolled adoration and I know now that she’s going through her own DC episode. She calls me the man of her dreams and this says it all. She’s lost in her own DC worlds and I’m sensing no grounding, no counterDC. I guess this is her first episode and her family and friends don’t know the warning indicators. They seem oblivious to her behaviour, to the signs that are obvious to me. I should reach out to them but I’m more ill than I’ve ever been before and in the back of my mind I’m aware that during an episode you can invert everything and believe that the person you’re infatuated with is in fact infatuated with you. Knowing this further destabilises my grasp of reality. My DC and counterDC have never been more polarized. They’re fully at war with each other and it’s ripping me apart.
My avoidance strategy is no use here. She’s living almost next door to me. I hear her through every window and she always seems to be there when I go out. She tries to connect with me but her spoken messages never fully reach me. I’m left with fragments that are too easily distorted by either side in their war.
I start sensing anger and some bitterness towards me. Maybe she expects me to meet her half way but her beautiful face is the face of my next breakdown. I’m in love with by DC L and she’s in love with her DC me and it’s clear to me how impossible this is. I can never compete with a dream.
I can see that each failed message she tries to give me is tearing her apart and her pain, in turn, is tearing me apart. I know how hard it is to connect at this stage. You believe that your future and all your incredible dreams depend on this one moment and the pressure is unbearable. It’s taking its toll on L. Soon I hear that she’s moving out and a door in my dreams slams shut. She delays leaving, giving me hope, but eventually she packs up all my hopes and dreams and takes them with her when she leaves.
So here I am, broken, full of pain and regret and deClerambault has beaten me again. I don’t know where L is and how her battle with DC is going and letting go of that is going to be the hardest part for me.

I hope you’ll excuse such a long post but I felt that I needed to share it somewhere. I’d be grateful for any advice.
Thanks
TD
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Re: Dualing with deClerambault

Postby Snaga » Wed Jul 28, 2021 11:48 pm

Hello and welcome!

Erotomania isn't unknown in this forum- I'm not much of one to be commenting on it, however- other than I used to be given to enthusiastic infatuation accompanied by a lot of fantasizing. But not what I'd call DC, however, not by a long shot. However, you're not the only person here that struggles with this or things similar to it.
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Re: Dualing with deClerambault

Postby ThatDream » Thu Jul 29, 2021 3:03 pm

Thanks Snaga
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