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Wrote a letter to my husband’s doctor

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Wrote a letter to my husband’s doctor

Postby Aggie78 » Wed Jun 09, 2021 1:00 am

Day before yesterday was the pits. More paranoia from my husband, more bizarre thought processes, and the continued accusation that I’m having an affair with that poor guy Albert. As his anger grew, he kept screaming at me that he knew when I did it, and he was going to text Albert and call his wife, and go confront him and knock him on his ass. I told him I was tired of denying bs statements that were not real, and I’m done doing that. If he wants to text that guy, we’ll he should just do it.
I just kept brushing off the horses and he kept coming out of the houses to yell at me. He was really unhinged.
This is so sad. Last week he said he’d been feeling really tired, and asked if I was poisoning him! I told him that since I’d been on a diet, I haven’t even been cooking for him, and it looked like he remembered that was correct.
Day before yesterday I again told him that his brain was playing tricks on him, and that he really needed help. He just yelled “you always want me to think that, but I know what’s going on.”
So, I wrote a letter to his oncologist, a doctor he likes and trusts. I told him what has been going on, and frankly it’s been much worse since the chemo he had in 2018. Last year he was supposed to get an MRI of the brain because I asked him to please tell this doctor about his increased anger episodes. He did, and the doc ordered the MRI. But, because my husband’s allergies were so bad, he was unable to lie down and get it done. He tried twice.
I asked the doctor to please make a neurological referral if he felt it was appropriate, and to please try to get that brain MRI done. I’m starting to suspect the onset of dementia or something like it, or frontotemporal deterioration, or something similar. But a neurological evaluation could only help at this point. Now I’m just waiting to see if his oncologist actually initiates anything. It felt like I was “ratting” on my husband and his bizarre behavior, but I’m at my wits end. This has to change or I’m leaving. And that would be horrible for my husband.
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Re: Wrote a letter to my husband’s doctor

Postby Sunnyg » Fri Jun 11, 2021 12:45 am

Hi Aggie78,
I just wanted to say, you made an important step, and if you're husband was well... he'd probably agree that the letter was necessary. Medical health declines can create brain health issues, as I recently learned while I had an infection and hypertension. I wish you and your family the best.
Sunny
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Re: Wrote a letter to my husband’s doctor

Postby Aggie78 » Sat Jun 12, 2021 11:36 pm

Thank you Sunny. I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, as it were. I hope his oncologist calls him, and states some reason for ordering the brain MRI and a neurological referral. The oncologist is young, and from Pakistan. I don’t know what his familiarity is with older American men and their macho approach to “i’m all right, you are the one that’s messed up.”. Surely he has encountered this in his oncology practice. After all, many cancer patients are older, and also have some mental decline. I’m really just out of options to try to help my husband and try to save my marriage in the process.

To be honest, I’m less concerned with the marriage than I am with him. Bizarre things happen daily, screaming and insults, etc. but I put up with it because I care for him and I believe he has something wrong that is causing this. Today, he couldn’t figure out how to get the ratchet binders loose so he could unload the tractor from the trailer (it was in the shop). I tried not to get involved, because
I know nothing about ratchet chain binders. But he insisted and I tried to help. It ended as these usually do, with him finally saying I should just shut my f***ing mouth and do what he says. Well, darn it, I didn’t want to get involved in this in the first place! Then, he promptly forgets that he just insulted me, and acts like nothing’s wrong. Right now, he has gone to bed early as he usually does an dI am sitting here wondering if I should go back in the bedroom when I’m ready, or go to the spare bedroom. He now takes his phone with him into the bedroom, probably so I can’t see his odd sex texts.
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Re: Wrote a letter to my husband’s doctor

Postby NewSunRising » Sun Jun 13, 2021 11:25 am

I hope the letter gets the ball rolling to get your husband some help . Do you think it would be worth it to actually sit down with the doctor and have a talk with him ?
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Re: Wrote a letter to my husband’s doctor

Postby Sunnyg » Sun Jun 13, 2021 5:39 pm

Hi Aggie78,

Remember that if he is a threat to himself or others there are public health laws in many states for managing a mental health crisis. Please look up NAMI.org and their Navigating a mental health crisis manual is very helpful. In case you haven't seen it, this may help: https://www.nami.org/Support-Education/Publications-Reports/Guides/Navigating-a-Mental-Health-Crisis They make it in English or Spanish.

Hope that Helps.

Sunny
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Re: Wrote a letter to my husband’s doctor

Postby Aggie78 » Fri Jun 18, 2021 1:05 am

The day started out ok, but went to hell. We actually had a few good days, and my husband talked about how the chemo he had possibly could have changed his behavior. He said it would be a good idea to get an evaluation, and asked that I call and schedule. And that call was on my agenda today, before everything blew up.
We had finished working outside, and I had told him I was going to get some weed killer to spray the weeds along the edges of the pasture we just baled. He said he didn’t want me to do that (he has reasons but they don’t make sense, so I won’t add to the story). Later in the house, he accused me of always being against him because I wanted to spray the weeds. He started yelling and accusing. It’s like some little seed starts in him and blossoms way out of proportion. I said “well, here we go” and grabbed my purse and took off to town. He immediately texted that he knew I was going to meet that poor guy, and his other usual hateful stuff. I went into town, did some errands, and had a lovely time shopping at Home Depot for a few things.
I got home and headed back to my home office. About an hour later he barged in, yelling, accusing, demanding that we get a divorce. He hates me, despises me and how could I be such a slut as to have sex with XXXXX. I told him to get out. He kept screaming that he wants 50% of everything and he means 50%!! He kept screaming and yelling through the door. It was a little scary.
So I spent the next 2 hours downloading the divorce forms and filling them out. They are ready to file in the District Court tomorrow. I’m not sure where I will go but I have to find a place, have to get this house sold, sell the horses and cattle, and all the equipment.
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Re: Wrote a letter to my husband’s doctor

Postby Snaga » Fri Jun 18, 2021 3:01 pm

Let us know if he acts as if that didn't happen.

I've known- well not Delusional Disorder- but I mean I've known folks who would say they wanted divorce as a bluff, then were kinda surprised when they got exactly that.

Hugs. Perhaps it's for the best. I know we're supposed to love and cherish 'til death, etc., but at some point everyone has their breaking point.
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Re: Wrote a letter to my husband’s doctor

Postby Aggie78 » Sat Jun 19, 2021 8:43 pm

Yesterday I thought the best idea was just to move out, get my own place and start divorce proceedings. But I didn’t. I came back home, worked on the painting in my home office, cleaned out some closets for Goodwill and straightened up my bedroom and my office. Lots of work!
I also looked at the financial implications of a divorce. We are fairly well off right now, with a farm and a house that’s close to paid off. If we were to divorce, sell the equipment for probably half what it’s worth, sell the cattle and horses, we would definitely have cash, but not enough for either of us to buy a place nearly as nice as this farm. I have money of my own that I inherited, and he has no separate assets. Just thinking of selling all this and starting over is painful.
So, what if I just stay? If he wants to get a divorce, then let him go do all the paperwork, or find a lawyer to do it, and get it all underway.
This morning, I got up and went out to do some errands: Goodwill, Home Depot and Walmart. When I got home he was out and I had time to keep cleaning, and then work in the orchard. He came home and asked if I was going to get fertilizer for the fields. I said why are you talking to this disgusting slut? If you want fertilizer go get fertilizer. He said he had to work on the borders (we irrigate tomorrow). I said I don’t care, do whatever you want to do. He kept asking me to do it. I told him I wasn’t going to do anything for someone who calls me a disgusting slut. He kept saying he couldn’t do both, and the fields need fertilizer (true). So I said from now on, we are just business partners; you have your life and I have mine, and I got in the truck to go get the fertilizer.
When I was done with all that, I was filling water troughs and he came to talk to me. I didn’t talk to him at all. He started ridiculing me and again said how he knew what I was doing, etc., etc., escalation again. He was now screaming that he wanted a divorce. I said fine, go get one.
He went into the house and I went back to the orchard. I spent an hour there and went in the house and showered, and now I’m on the front porch cooking chicken fajitas on the grill. I think he’s cooking in the kitchen.
The point is that I’ve discovered a new resilience and a thicker skin. His screaming insults now have no effect. I wonder how he will take that. I’m no longer trying to save a marriage. I’m trying to save a human being from himself.
Still no contact from his doctor though. Oh well, I truly am doing what I can. All the firearms have been removed or hidden, so no worries there.
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Re: Wrote a letter to my husband’s doctor

Postby Snaga » Sat Jun 19, 2021 11:48 pm

Aggie78 wrote: All the firearms have been removed or hidden, so no worries there.


Bangsticks and assorted pew-pewery had crossed my mind. That's good to know. I've been in.. situations where I was happy that the firearms were well hidden, as well.

Of course, sticks and pointy things are legion, so just be situationally aware, I suppose.

I'm betting he either won't want to go start legal proceedings himself, or won't have a clue where to begin.
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Re: Wrote a letter to my husband’s doctor

Postby Aggie78 » Sun Jun 20, 2021 12:42 am

That’s my bet too. I’m just trying to be happy in my own skin, and deal with whatever arises.
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